Left my boyfriend for the love of my life but still miss many things about my ex

by lt
(Detroit, Michigan)

I met my ex when we were both in college and 20 going on 21yrs old. I never thought I would like him and be in a relationship with him but that's soon what happened. He wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship but I basically forced him to be with me. It turned out for the better because he fell in love with me and I loved him... The beginning of our relationship was bad... We argued and fought all the time and I didn't trust him because of past relationships and things I found in his phone... I was inching more and more away from him until his father passed away a year after we were together. He was so hurt I just wanted to do everything I could to make him completely happy. I waited on him hand and foot to try to help ease his pain, and in return he treated me so bad. Nothing was appreciated. We lived together at this point and also worked together. I began to look outside our relationship because it had been a year since we had any sexual contact which at first I figured was due to his father's death. But I was tired of being mistreated and not having any type of physical relationship so I cheated. By this time we were together for 3yrs. I had one foot out the door and was ready to leave him. This affair went on for a whole year. I still think in my mind he had cheated as well... During that time though, we began to get closer. He started paying attention to me and I soon became a faithful girlfriend again. And we were sort of happy for another 4 years... We still didn't have a consistent sexual relationship. We went months at a time without it and I figured that was normal. I began to just settle. He treated me pretty good and I thought that was as Good as it gets. Back before his father had passed away I told myself I was going to leave him. But shortly after that tragedy he was so broken up. I told myself I would stay until he was back on his feet and doing better. That led to the 4 more yrs of being together. We had a lot of fun together. But deep down I was still unhappy but content. In my mind I was just ready to settle and be married to him. I didn't even think about any of the short comings he had. That leads us to the beginning of this year 2014. We went on vacation in Feb. Had a great time but still I was unhappy. We had only had sex 1 time this year and that was in January. I ended up meeting a younger guy. Who is 4yrs younger than myself. At first he was just a friend. I kept telling myself I was happy but the more I got to know this new guy the more I fell for him. I tried and tried to fight it but for some weird reason my feelings for him were So strong! We met in January but didn't end up dating until April. And at the beginning of May I broke up with my boyfriend and told him I was moving out. That was the single hardest thing I've ever done. I still cry about it. I hate hurting his feelings but I would rather break up than to cheat on him again. He had a nasty attitude and called me out of my name and didn't pay the right attention to me and isn't family oriented and I am. But was also sweet at times and you could tell he really loves me. We had great conversations and he's funny. He was my bestfriend.. and that's the type of relationship we had. We were like roommates. Except I did ALL of the housework. My now new boyfriend yes he's young, he's 24 and I'm 28, but we have magical chemistry. I haven't felt this way about anyone since my first love! He believes in me, encourages me, challenges me to be a better person. He's so close with his family. He's the reason my youngest sister and I actually have a relationship now. He inspires me so much. Words can't even describe how I feel about him. He's the love of my life! I'm madly IN LOVE with him.. Although he's a lot less established, at that age my ex and I didn't have it together either...So he still has time to grow on his own. Which I see he's doing already. And plus I'm still figuring things out for myself. When we talk we can talk about anything at all. I don't feel like I will be judged or looked at weird for saying how I feel about something. I could never fully be myself around my ex. So many little pointless lies I felt I had to tell. I don't have that with my new bf. I knew from the beginning that we needed to take it slow. But we decided to screw the rules and jump right into a relationship and do whatever it takes so that it survives. We're still together now and it's going on Nov. We now live together already which is crazy I know. We work everyday to make or relationship last and it's almost effortless! I don't nag him about cleaning up around the house because he does it automatically. He cooks for ME. I don't always have to lift a finger. He treats me like the queen he's supposed to treat me like. I have met his whole family and he has met mine. My family loves him. And his family loves me. Yes we do have a few disagreements but what couple doesn't? The good outweighs the bad here. And I couldn't be happier. I no longer feel a void. I might also add that he has a small son and daughter by his ex and I have no kids. I love his kids just like there my own. We talk about getting married and having one of our own one day when I'm ready. But my thing is this, I now have someone who makes me jump with joy, but why do I still cry and think about my ex? Is it the abrupt way I walked out on him? Or maybe that I was just used to being around him? I don't know... I want to be friends with him one day, I want him to be happy... But I can't help but break down and cry from time to time. I miss our friendship. I was with him for 7.5 years..... we lived together for 6 of those years... Now it's coming close to being with my new bf for a year already! I feel like I've known him my whole life though... Like we're soul mates. I just want to understand why I'm feeling so heart broken about my ex.... He text me and said he will regret losing me for the rest of his life and he wishes he would've just treated me better... And that he's a completely different person now. Also that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and nothing bothered him when he was with me... That hurt to hear him say that after all these months.....

Comments for Left my boyfriend for the love of my life but still miss many things about my ex

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Oct 31, 2014
Left my boyfriend for the love my life ut still miss many things about my ex.
by: Doreen UK

You need MATURITY on your side to realize that your EX texting you and making you feel guilty and confused is what is causing you to cry. You need to go see a counselor and learn strategies to be FAITHFUL to the man you love, and to never cheat on him like you did with your EX. due to not meeting each other's needs.
You said there were problems in the relationship with your EX. You weren't being treated right so you moved on. You probably did not clear the air with your EX so there could be an understanding that you are in a new relationship and HAPPY.
You need to forget your EX and make a clean break. No texting your EX or any form of contact so he can move on with his life also. Because he has changed does not guarantee you that he won't abuse you again or put you down which is destructive to any relationship. You may have to count your losses and see that you have gained a man in your life who loves you and you love him. There is no confusion in LOVE. You need to put some healthy boundaries in place so you don't Cheat on your new BF. He needs LOYALTY and FIDELITY from you.
If you keep your EX in your life even as a friend it won't work. Because he is your EX and not a stranger.
My son is in the same situation. His wife keeps her EX as her friend she has an emotional connection with . My son is torn in two. They are both going to couple counseling. If it doesn't work and she does not give up her EX as a friend then my son is going to walk away from the marriage. You also need emotional fidelity in place for a relationship to survive.
You had a history with your EX which was very dysfunctional at times. NOT HEALTHY. You miss things about your EX, you need to let them go. If you keep them in your mind you may end up ruining your present new relationship. A counselor can help you to learn to let go of your EX. If you don't want to walk away from your EX then I can see you are only playing games and enjoying the attention of two men in your life who both love you. That is not the right way to behave. I hope you sort yourself out and do the right thing by both men.

Oct 31, 2014
Feel so Alone
by: Josie

There are so many of us who think if we stay with this person maybe we can get him to change after all he loves me right? I myself am talking from my own personal experience I had the love of my life & when we took a break I saw him with another girl I was so heartbroken I cried & thought it's over he moved on. I went on to meet a man who later became my husband who was so charming treated me like a queen until we moved in together. Mind you that was back in 1975 I very young he was verbally abusive and broke so many things always telling me if I ever left him I better always watch my back. One day I ran into my ex who didn't know any of this he thought I was living with my brother. He asked me back & I automatically said YES, I was suppose to call him that night so we could talk I never did I too scared of this guy who said he loved me. My ex would ask my cousin where was I & I told her never to tell him. A few years later my friend called me & I automatically knew he was 24yrs old he died in a motorcycle accident to this day I cry wishing I could tell him how much I loved him but was too afraid of the a-hole I ended up with. I hear you say that you & your ex were best friends if that truly was the case & you lived together he should of opened up to you and let you help him maybe he had depression issues & if you truly loved him don't you think you would not have cheated on him? It's hard to let go of our past I live with my regret of moving on too quickly and staying in it for 39yrs. Now that your ex sees you happy he wishes he could of fixed it he had 6yrs you seem to be in a real loving relationship & nowadays that's getting harder to find. Don't let your ex get to you. I only wish I could have waited a little longer than moving on so quickly it cost me the biggest regret of my life. Be happy and God bless you may things continue to thrive in your new life. As for your ex hopefully he will find the right girl for him that he can truly open up to for his own sake or he will be one miserable old man. Take care.

Oct 31, 2014
STOP IT
by: Judith in California

You are on a slippery slope my friend. This is what happen when women leave a realionship for someone else without taking a break in betweeen to find out who they truly are and what they truly need out of a realtionship.

Now that the ex is saying all the things you wish he had said when you were together is confusing you when it's clear he wasn't all tat when you were together. They always miss you after you're gone and realize what they had. Too bad you should be saying. YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH AN EX.

You carried that relationship on your own. You wanted to do good for him and not yourself. You chose to stick around because he just might know what a good woman you were. You now know that you can't love a man into being what you need.

Why are you still talking to him in the first place? You are with someone else now and you should respect him as you would have him respect you. You need to stop this non productive thinking before you screw what you consider ,a great guy who does things for you, all up.
OR you can keep doing what you are doing and have him walk out on you.

To me, it seems you are so young and don't know what you need yet. The bottom line is UNTIL YOU DO figure it out you should not be in any relationship. There are worse things than being alone.

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