Letter from a Widow
by Judith in California
An Open Letter From a Widow
Please listen with compassion…when we tell you of our grief. When we tell you we cried today, even tho it's been 3 years or more since our love has passed, please don't say "you need to keep busy" or "He's with the Lord now" or He's in a better place". A better place would be with us. Please don't tell us what you think we need. You have no idea of what we need. What we need is for you to let us grieve our way. We need you to support us and hug us or just say "I'm sorry you are suffering so".
Let us fill our need to talk about our loves because they are still alive within us, the love we have for our mates is still there. It does not die with them… staying busy is not going to stop the pain or the sudden memory of them that comes to mind daily, several times a day. If you have not lost your mate to death yet you won't understand. We pray you won't for a long time because the heartbreak is like no other you'll have.
It's permanent, not temporary ,our loves are not coming back. We begin to feel this about 3 months into our grief. It really sets in.
Each type of death, be it husband, wife, child, mother, father sister,friend is different for each person.
There is no FIX for it. It takes time for the person who is experiencing it. For those who have a close relationship with God, it is still hard. You will not be the same person
you were. You will be sad deep down every day of your life. There will always be a void nothing will fill.
And Please don’t tell us of your loss of a brother, Aunt, Uncle , Sister, Father or Mother or other family member who wasn’t your spouse. There is no comparison.
There is no place you can go that won't remind you of them. If you were always driving or riding somewhere together, the mere act of driving down a street you took many times before will conjure up memories. The mere act of driving alone will be a sad drive because they aren't next to you. When you go alone to a restaurant
you both liked or a walk in the mall where you went every weekend because that's what they liked to do. When your loved one took you for an outpatient procedure and waited for you and they were there for you during any surgery, it is when you now have to go alone, that it will be an emotionally sad time.You now have to ask someone else to take you or take a cab. And then you wake up from a procedure without them being there watching over you. What is the fix for that? I'll tell you, Not a Darn thing.
What is the fix for suddenly never being told how much you are loved by your mate? What is the fix for suddenly never sharing kisses or intimacy with your mate?
I'll tell you…NOTHING! and NO ONE!
You realize you are alone to go through any hard decision making process and pray you make the right one.
And please don't think you're being clever by changing the subject when we "go there" by asking us about something else. We are very in tune with what we consider your insensitive diversion. This is your way of minimizing our grief, intended or not.
Yes, we will have times of laughter with family and friends or while watching a funny TV show or movie or we may even go out for the evening, but when the day is through and we are all alone in the all too quiet of our bedroom, the feelings of emptiness, sadness and loneliness return. We Pray for God to let us dream of them and some nights He does. As each day passes we know all too well our love is getting farther and farther away. And we pray they don't forget us.
We who grieve should not have to worry if you are uncomfortable with our grief. We are the ones who lost our loved one so if you feel uncomfortable with that then walk away. We are going to cry and not care what you think. We will cry when we need to, not when or where you think we should. Do you know that we do feel bad that you may be uncomfortable but we're gong to cry anyway. There are doors of which you can excuse yourself and walk out of. We are not doing anything wrong by our grieving.
And there is no certain time we should "get over it" or "time to move on". Only we will know when it is time and that's up to us, not you. That is an insult to us and when someone says that to us it again means they are minimizing our grief experience.
Grief is especially strong on special days like an anniversary, birthdays (yours, because he isn't there to give you a special loving card and you them), Valentines Day, the day for lovers, Thanksgivings, Christmases and on the anniversary of their death.
You and your mates can still kiss and hug and say I love you and that is great but realize we no longer can share that. It’s just lonely. We feel jealous and cheated when we see couples expressing their love for one another. We see an older couple walking together and say "that should have been us".
And, unless we have told you otherwise, when you send us mail please address it to MRS. so and so because we are still married. It really upsets us to see you just assume we don’t want to be MRS. anymore.
Time (be it months or years), prayer and truly supportive, caring family and friends are the only help for a grieving person.
The deep internal sadness is there. There will always be a grief corner with in us and memories at any given moment will start the tears to fall. So please just listen without suggesting what you think is a fix. Some us us will find love again but it doesn’t mean we will have totally forgotten our lost love.