Letter of Longing
I am at 5 ½ years since I experienced a car accident death of my husband and our 29 year marriage. I was 46 at the time. My youngest daughter is now 17 and in her senior year of high school. Yesterday she showed me a Nickelback video called “You’ll Never Be Alone” and we both had tears. She hasn’t cried very many tears, but mine have been heart wrenching at times.
Sometimes it just hits like a truck. One time I was getting ready to listen to a live band that we had danced to on a regular basis, and when the band started playing, my longing to feel my husband’s arm around me with my hand in his was gut wrenching and I was inconsolable for a few minutes, sobbing. I think that the sadness dwells in us constantly, but emerges seldom.
I find myself watching old home movies and listening for his voice. There is an unvanquished longing for contact.
I do believe in heaven and that I will know my husband there as a loved person, although our relationship will be on a different plane.
I have remarried. My husband has a hard time knowing that I miss my other spouse. He can’t ever know what I am experiencing, but that is just how it is.
In other words, my remarriage has not replaced my first love, the father of my beautiful children, the grandfather of their beautiful children, etc.
The bottom line is that we are blessed to love so deeply and truly. It is not for nothing and our loss is not permanent. I hope that each of you have the hope of heaven. When others ask you if you do, I hope that you can say, “Yes!”