Letter of Longing

by Lorraine

I am at 5 ½ years since I experienced a car accident death of my husband and our 29 year marriage. I was 46 at the time. My youngest daughter is now 17 and in her senior year of high school. Yesterday she showed me a Nickelback video called “You’ll Never Be Alone” and we both had tears. She hasn’t cried very many tears, but mine have been heart wrenching at times.
Sometimes it just hits like a truck. One time I was getting ready to listen to a live band that we had danced to on a regular basis, and when the band started playing, my longing to feel my husband’s arm around me with my hand in his was gut wrenching and I was inconsolable for a few minutes, sobbing. I think that the sadness dwells in us constantly, but emerges seldom.
I find myself watching old home movies and listening for his voice. There is an unvanquished longing for contact.
I do believe in heaven and that I will know my husband there as a loved person, although our relationship will be on a different plane.
I have remarried. My husband has a hard time knowing that I miss my other spouse. He can’t ever know what I am experiencing, but that is just how it is.
In other words, my remarriage has not replaced my first love, the father of my beautiful children, the grandfather of their beautiful children, etc.
The bottom line is that we are blessed to love so deeply and truly. It is not for nothing and our loss is not permanent. I hope that each of you have the hope of heaven. When others ask you if you do, I hope that you can say, “Yes!”

Comments for Letter of Longing

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Dec 29, 2011
for Anonymous
by: Mari

Please do re post. You have come to the right place. There are a lot of wonderful caring people here. We are always ready to listen.There must be a lot on your mind and heart. Please feel free to post. God bless you.

Dec 29, 2011
Letter of longing
by: Mari

Hi M. Mack and you other wonderful people.
It is with interest I read your post. I suppose we never get over the one we lost completely but life just goes on and it gets easier.
I did not feel the joy at Christmas I should have felt but my daughter and family always help me get through difficult times. Actually I worked on Christmas. I told my boss to feel free to put me to work as I live close and my daughter and family will be waiting for me later.
But I missed my husband and it was better for me to work. I am working New Years day too.I will be glad when the holidays are over. I am starting my 3rd year without my husband.
I cannot say it is always easy but there is much to be thankful for.I have goals for the coming year and another round of classes to complete my DSP training. I have one certificate and need the other half.The classes were great fun and hard work did not hurt me at all.In fact I thrived.
My husband would have been proud of me for bettering myself at age 67. I know I feel good about it.
I have to stay busy. I am somewhat of a workaholic.But I look at his picture and realize he is no longer with me and I have to go on. I have a lot of family and they are a blessing. My feelings are to just keep busy and keep going and keep the faith. There will be good and bad days. But God will be looking out for us.This board has been a blessing.

Dec 26, 2011
I totally understand
by: Lisa

My husband also died in a car accident. It was just this past March. Our youngest was 12 years old (now 13). Your story sound so similar to mine that I just had to comment. My husband and daughter were so very close, but she too, like your daughter has handled the death with only an occasional break down, yet I am lucky if I can go two nights without the tears and my heart feeling like it is being ripped out of my chest. I am starting to like someone that I have known for over 20 years, but in no way am I ready for a relationship and neither is he. He knows how much I care for him and he knows how much I miss my husband. If we were to ever get together, I am thankful that he understands enough to know that my love for my husband will never fade. Right now I am scared that the grief and pain will never fade either.

Dec 12, 2011
by: Anonymous

Well... Where do I start? All of You has encouraged Me! I'm Seriously thinking on Re-posting I have alot I would like to say after 23months of My husbands passing oh what a Journey it has been. Thanks Everyone God Bless!AH

Dec 10, 2011
Always going to love him
by: Kim

Hi my name is Kim and it's only been four months for me since my husband passed suddenly of a heart attack. He was only 48 and I'm only 37. I feel like part of me has been ripped out and my pain is unbearable at times. I have 2 children and my youngest us 17 also. He never likes talking about it and turns off when other people do. I say this is the end for me I will never love again. Some people say oh you don't know that. My biggest reason for saying that is that I will never stop loving my husband and what new man will understand that my heart still loves another man. I see you have moved on but haven't let go of your first love. I think if your new husband loves you enough he can let your heart still carry a piece of him. If ever I did find someone I would never allow him to bully my first love out. It sounds like you feel the same. It's not like you divorced him and you could run back to him, he's gone! Your children need to know you still love him too. Another song I love is one sweet say by Mariah Carey. Uf you've never heard it listen to it. Good luck and you answer my question of Am I still going to love my husband as much 5 years from now? I could never imagine not loving him. Thanks, Kim

Dec 10, 2011
Letter of Longing
by: Mari

Hi Lorraine. I can understand how you are feeling. It is not unusual to still miss someone you loved very much.
As for your husband it sounds like he is may be a bit jealous of the love you still feel for your first husband who has gone with the Lord.
I would simply tell your husband that you thank God for sending someone like him in your life and that you truly love him.There is nothing for him to be jealous about. You would not have married him had you not loved him.It is alright to still love the one who passed away.
It does sound as if your husband may need a little reassurance and lots of hugs and compliments. I am sure you are a loving person but he may need a bit more due to the fact that he knows you still love the one who passed.
I still love mine too. He passed away 2 years ago on NOV 22 2009. I an inundated with memories. Sometimes I want to get out of this place where there are memories every where I go.It is hard to prepare a meal for one. It is hard to come home to an empty house. But I am getting used to it. I know my husband is safe with the Lord.Working helps me a lot.I am still getting things in order after 2 years but am doing it. Just trust in the Lord and keep up the good work. Keep posting. We are here for you.

Dec 10, 2011
Letter of longing
by: M Mack

Hi Lorraine

So glad you took the time to enlighten all of us even 5 1/2 years after you lost your spouse. It is only 1 year 5 months since I lost the love of my life. We always said we were soulmates and I still believe we are. I believe that no matter who comes into your life and if you feel that your 1st spouse was your soulmate, you will reunite in heaven. Yes you will wait to see your other loved ones however, you may still have a soulmate with you. Someone you love unconditionally, who knows everything about you, unlocks all door with the same key you have to unlock their heart. Total give and take with understanding and support no matter what- that's a soulmate.

I will never be able to block my love forever from my mind and neither will you. Although it gets easier, and the pain is less often, it will resurface from time to time. Our loved ones want us to be happy, continue to exist and make a life for ourselves. My memories as of today are everywhere and he's a part of me. Like you, one day I will move on in day to day mortality and maybe even find happiness. In the end, I'll always love him even in eternity. Good for you that there is someone in your life that you can share your love. Find happiness, make memories and focus on the here and now. Keep your faith Lorraine. Don't be hard on yourself for your thoughts and feelings. You deserve to be happy. God Bless for a second chance of making new memories.

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