Letter to Heaven to Mom who passed January 6, 2013
(Thunder Bay ON. Canada)
I am writing this letter to my mother who passed away January 6, 2013
There are so many things I wanted to say to you before you left us. I am so sorry that I left the hospital. I should have stayed, but you were so tired and we thought that you needed your sleep, so I kissed you goodnight and promised I would be back the next day. I hope you heard me tell you how much I loved you while you laid sleeping before I left that room. You have made it through so many other trying times, weathered so many storms.
Some, ask what happened? was it expected.... the answer, is NO,,, what a shock it was!
There are all the if only's.
If only we would have insisted that you were connected to a heart monitor, as they thought maybe you may have just suffered a heart attack. You were connected in the emergency ward, but why did they not provide it when they moved you upstairs? The nursing station was right across from your room, but I am physically sick, not knowing how long you were already gone before they noticed. If only, the emergency doctor would have admitted you the previous day before sending you home with cough medicine. If only, they were able to be on the same page as whether or not you had pneumonia, If only, antibiotics had been given during your first trip to the hospital.
Did it take an ambulance for them to see and hear what was so obvious to us? Instead, a doctor says you just needed a bit of fine tuning.. If only, does not bring me comfort. They said you had congestive heart failure, you may have had a blood clot, your cancer may have progressed, you may have had a heart attack and then the conclusion that you had pneumonia. When did they finally decide that you actually had pneumonia??
It has been one week since you left us, The tears just keep flowing, my heart feels like a hole has been ripped out of it, I feel lost and alone. Empty inside. This year of 2013, was to bring so much happiness. So much to look forward to. I finally have a home that you were suppose to come and spend time with me. A room for you. We searched and looked at so many, but this home was it, It was perfect. A bungalow, with no worry of stairs, and a washroom and bedroom for you on the main floor. The paint color was picked out and the decor would have included owls, How you loved owls.
The next phase, was to finally tie the knot. We have all been waiting, it was like a funny joke as this engagement has lasted over 20 years and you were so patient, and encouraging, telling me, summer is coming pretty soon, not long now,,,, It meant so much to me to have you there, to walk with me as I marry the man that I love so much. That does not seem important anymore,, because you are not here. How do I marry when both my mom and dad are no longer here. I envisioned picking out my wedding dress with you by my side. Why did we wait so long to finally decide that this will be the year?
I want to thank you for being my mom and such a wonderful role model to show me what it is to be a grandmother. Me, a grandma, who would have thought. You told me, that I was such a good grandma to Nevaeh, but it is you that showed me the way, I can only hope that my grandchildren feel the love I have for them, as my children have felt and lived the love you gave to them.
I will miss you forever. They say time heals everything, Dad left us many years ago, and a piece of my heart never mended. I felt he was watching over us, and now you are together, I wish that in itself would bring me comfort, knowing you are with the other family members that have passed on, that you are dancing with the love of your life, but I don't know where I belong,,, I feel like an orphan,, I just wish that God, would have allowed us to be with you, to hold your hand, to be by your side. I wish that we had more time, that you did not have to leave.
Will life ever be normal again? Will these tears ever stop flowing?
Will this anger I feel ever go away? Others may say I need grief counseling, that I need to just accept your passing, that you never knew what hit you, that you passed peacefully, that you are in better place. I know those are suppose to be words of compassion, but I only know, that I feel angry and that I have so many questions with no answers.. I promise you, I will seek answers, and you know how relentless I can be.
I want you to be here,, I want to see you during all the events that bring us together as a family. I want to hear your voice, I want to hold your hand, I want to feel your heart beating next to mine, I want the phone to ring and to hear you ask," Can we go shopping" Oh, how I wish we could go shopping,,,, I want to be your little girl again.
I know that is allot to ask for, allot to wish and hope for, as it is impossible. I know you are watching over us. I also know that my babies Lonnie and Dylan and Jennifer are now with both of their grandparents. Tell them their mommy and daddy have never forgot them. We all miss you mom.
I love you mama. Forever and Ever, to the Moon and Back,,
Your Daughter - Charlotte