letting go and grieving

by sk

I wanted my family to be loving supportive and stable while I grew up. They were abusive, dysfunctional, and I was the scapegoat for much of the bad that happened. Repeated abuse blamed on me because of something I did or didn't do at the time. Much was witnessed by mothers blind eyes but she could not live without him so things would be alright if I would just "straighten up", "look presentable", "don't embarrass me", "don't be so aggravating" and "stop crying". Until at 17 I ran away, married an alcoholic, I had an eating disorder and used drugs, and felt I wasn't worth much if my own family thought I was always to blame. Adulthood, Divorce, personal growth and some amazingly supportive people moved me more and more towards help and recovery but I always kept trying to fix that relationship with my mother. Then 25 more years with mom of continued negotiation over who was telling the truth, denial, intermittent blame, and discounting of who I am, ensued. I have now let her and them go about a year ago. I no longer have contact(they all live in a very enmeshed relationship with each other). The first year was mostly just living through each day and situation without them and being resolute about my boundary. Now a year later they are minding the boundary I set and I am figuring out how to live a life without them. How to heal. How to not react to the world out of my family history. How to take good and proper emotional and physical care of myself. But there is grief for all that I wanted it to be, for the security and safety I never had, for the nurturing and love I rarely had, for my innocence, for a happy childhood, for feeling like I was good enough for people. I have people who love me now but it is hard to trust sometimes. I am learning and shedding the old beliefs and behaviors that kept me connected to my abusers. I was born into abuse but I am not repeating the cycle.

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