Letting Go

My Pastor told me today that I need to let my son Jerry go until I see him again. He completed suicide on 9/20/10. How do I do this? He was a part of my life for 36yrs & this past 1&1/2yrs. I talked to him & seen every single day. Tell me how to let him go, does anyone know how to do this?

Comments for Letting Go

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May 12, 2014
by: Anonymous

My sister lost her 3month old 3 years ago.
Is it normal to still carry around the box of ashes as if the baby is still alive?

She recently had another baby so when she nurses the new baby, she then nurses the box of ashes

Jan 26, 2014
letting go
by: Tamy

my son was shot murdered on his 24th birthday I can't let go I can't even deal with it its been 2 years and I still can't deal with it I cry everyday I want him to come back which we know we can't I can't let go I'll never let go how do we live with our children how is my life my children I can't let the ones go and I can let my only son go either it doesn't get easier it gets harder every year that goes by love you mom

May 31, 2012
Many will never understand
by: Skylers Mom

I just loss my baby, she was only 3 months old. She's only been dead for 18 days and my sister told me to LET IT GO. Then she apologize for being harsh, but she thinks I need to hear it. I told her, I understand what she is trying to do, but my daughter is only been gone for 18 days. I am not angry with her, I just told her I understand why she said that to me. The truth is, no one understands how I feel unless they went through what I am going through. With that said, I told her - I don't ever want you to understand, because for you to understand how I feel - it means you have to experience losing a child too, no parent should ever experience that. It's really difficult to lose someone, it's far more difficult to be understanding and forgiving to others who may say insensitive things.

Sep 30, 2011
Let Go?
by: Mary Ann

I lost my son to suicide 6 months ago. I KNOW how you feel.

I think you should let go of that pastor. You should write him a note and let him know why you did so he never does that to anyone else.

Apr 15, 2011
Letting Go
by: Dakota Blues

BTW ~ After her suicide I felt "way too messy" to go to church and recently started back with a new church. I still am not comfortable because I want to continue to run and hide. I actually thought maybe we would get kicked out for having a daughter who committed suicide.

Numerous times this pastor reminds me..."we are all a mess!" I try to rebuke that because I think no one can be as messed up as I am. Surely...I am alone. That's not true. When I am able to open my ears up to the world....we honestly live in a hurting world and there are a lot of people who are messed up and need help.

I met with this pastor twice. I like him alot. There is no doubt in my mind that he wants me to "get well" as quickly as I can so I can "live." Long suffering hangs around me like a heavy coat. Hugs ~

Apr 14, 2011
Letting Go
by: Dakota Blues

I am so sorry. My daughter took her life 3 years ago. As if burying a child wasn't horrible enough suicide is really, really, difficult to work through. As you know, it messes us up - big time.

I agree with others here that 6 months into your grief doesn't seem long enough to...shall we say....be able to think "healthy." I don't know your spiritual strengths - and faith - so your pastor may feel you are much stronger than you believe and that you may be at a place to ....lay it at the cross.

Is your pastor asking you to let go of your son's final act and replace with thoughts of your son that are pure, and lovely and true? And, grieve your son (not his final act). Your son (and my daughter) are more than their final act but it's hard to not think of anything...but the suicide.

From what I have learned the pain of losing children never goes away. We learn to live with it. Our children are deeply loved - they will be deeply grieved.

I recently met with a pastor. He asked me to tell him about my daughter and I stumbled to grasp for the words. In my mind, her final act has over shadowed so much of the lovely young woman she was. He suggested I start to rewire my thoughts in terms of lovely, pure, beautiful and true. I agree.

A grieving mother needs to work through her grief on her own time table.

Feb 12, 2011
Letting go
by: Anonymous

I lost my son to suicide on April 16,2006. Let go??? Never, will I let go of my son! I have come to accept his death and know that I will be reunited with him in heaven someday. I cannot change what happened but I am learning to live with it. In the meantime, I will forever hold him in my heart. For nine months he rested on my heart while I carried him...forever will he rest on my heart now.

Feb 03, 2011
second time
by: kay

hi there I am so sorry for your loss and I am hearing you I understand just what you are saying. I wrote a post a week ago but it was not published. I have been thinking of you. I lost my son last year and as a mother who has lost a child I know I will never LET GO....deep in our hearts and minds our children will always remain.We may carry on with life under our masks of pain...we may even feel the pain become lighter at some stage but we will never let go of our children.....they will always be part of us. Only a mother who has lost a child can know this.
love and healing to you .xoxKay

Feb 02, 2011
No one should have a time limit
by: Anonymous

No One should tell anyone who has lost a love one to let go. When it someone times to let go then it will be there time. I refuse to listen to someone who gonna tell me I need to let go. Because everyone knows there are no time limit. You have to be ready to let go when you are ready not when someone else say you need to do that. I don't believe in that and I would never tell anyone to do that. If someone tell me I need to let him go then I go deaf ear on them.

Jan 31, 2011
I understand
by: Linda Braun

When I read that your Pastor said you needed to let your son Jerry go... What came to mind was not letting go but just accepting that he is gone. Our son Joey took his life on 10/10/09. There are 7 stages of grief that we need to go through. Which I'm sure you know that. The last one is acceptance. Maybe you are not there yet. I have been told, by my Pastor. That it seems like I am at the anger and bargaining stage. Funny that I really don't "feel" like I am angry. But I decided to read my journal from the past year. And there was a lot of anger there. It really surprised me. I don't think we will ever let our children go. We just need to think of them differently. If ever you want to talk to me, my e-mail is mammylu62@yahoo.com
Form one mom to another...big hugs!

Jan 31, 2011
"Can't Let Go"
by: Anonymous

I think that was very insensitive of your pastor or anyone to tell you that. How can you let go of someone you gave birth to and who you loved with all of your heart? I just lost my husband almost 8 weeks ago & I cannot imagine "letting him go" or someone telling his mom & dad to "let him go". I think our grieving makes other people uncomfortable after awhile & they think we should just get on with our lives & stop talking about our loved one. Losing a loved one is pure hell no matter what the circumstance and the daily hell of living without them is a pain you can't just "let go".

Jan 31, 2011
Letting Go
by: Juanita

You do not have to "Let Go" of your son. Your pastor was WAY out of line telling you that. There is no letting go when your loved one dies. You learn how to live with the death but you don't have to let go of your loved one. Your son will always be your son. If your pastor is uncomfortable with your grief then find a counselor who can help you with your grief and not pressure you to let go. Everybody grieves different and every death is different. No one should be pressured though to "let go" of their loved one. My prayers are with you.

Jan 31, 2011
worst advice
by: Anonymous

That is by far the worst advice I've ever heard. You son has been gone for less than six months and your pastor expects you to just let him go?! Losing a child is one of life's most painful and stressful losses a person can endure. It can take years for a parent to learn to cope with such a tremendous loss and I doubt any parent can EVER let go. I lost my son in August and I will grieve until the day I die. If other people can't handle it or if they don't understand it.....too bad.
You need a safe outlet for your grief. This site is a good one. If you can find a grief support group in your area I'd highly recommend that you join it. Keep a journal to pour out your feelings. I go to Compassionate Friends. I thank God that I found this group. They are all in the same boat as me and no one judges how or when or how long you grieve. They understand.
I'm sorry about your son. I'm sorry about all our children who've died. It makes absolutely no sense to me. All we can do is get through each day, one step, one breath at a time.

Jan 30, 2011
My lovely son leighton
by: julia wales.gt.britain

I know exactly how you feel, I have no answers for you, I can't do it either, I just can't let go of the son i loved for 22 years who i was so very close too, and still am. I feel your pain, and I hope we all find comfort and peace so very soon. xx

Jan 30, 2011
professionals in grief?
by: Anonymous

My first thought is your pastor should be boxed in the nose for saying such a thing. I would think having some experience in grief counseling he would know better than to say such a stupid and thoughtless thing. We cannot just Let it Go.
We are not releasing gas we are attempting to get through the most difficult time in our lives. Sorry I sound so angry but I am soooo tired of people assuming we can just get over it , let it go and other idiotic things that cannot be done just by thinking o.k well I guess they are gone & let em go like a gold fish. Not so easy. Get through grief in your own time and your own way and don't let people tell you otherwise...

Jan 30, 2011
Letting Go
by: Anonymous

WOW!!! I don't know how I would respond to a comment like that. Grieving is such a personal thing. It takes time, but each of us is different. Obviously he has never had to deal with a suicide death personally, or he would not be making such a comment. Also, men grieve differently as I have seen my son responding very differently from my own grief. I am so sorry that you had to hear that from you pastor. I am afraid that it it were me, I would not be confiding much to him anymore.

Jan 30, 2011
Regarding letting go.....
by: Kie

IMHO, you must develop the timing for "letting go." When you are ready, when enough time has passed. How much time? Only you will know, when it occurs.
Until then, everyone else may have advice, or an opinion, or a personal experience to share... however, they are not you; your experience is unique to you, and your family.
Peace be with you...heal well.

Jan 30, 2011
he will be with you always
by: kay

Hello,I am so very sorry for your loss,I too have lost my precious son.In my opinion I will never let go of my son...I believe our sons will remain deep in our hearts and souls until we are together again,only a mother can understand and truely comprehend losing a child we have given life to.We have loved our child since we first knew of their conception.We will forever love and cherish them for eternity.They live in our hearts.We will carry on with our lives...but the ache and love for them will always be in our hearts.I wish you healing and love.

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