Life After Death

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Life After Death

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Live, Laugh Love Everyday with Passion

The sorrow and pain will always be part of my heart and soul. It can never be replaced. I not trying to replace Billy but something happened that I thought never would. It was as simple as a friend putting his arm around me. I didn't feel the despair and devastation I felt when another man was around me. The pain is there but bearable sometimes and it got me by surprise. I realize I am a woman with feelings.
It may me stop and look at myself, really at myself....
I know, pain is the last thing they he want me to be in. Someone told me the greater love the deeper lost and pain of something we can no longer have. No amount of screaming and throwing a tantrum will change anything. And if your throwing dishes against the wall your the one who's cleaning it up.
Back to the arm around me ~ nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary. A realization that I wouldn't die when another man touched me. Sad because I felt bad because it wasn't Billy. I was feeling bad because it felt good, and why shouldn't it. again were all human and feelings, touch and love are a basic necessity of life.
So I'm looking to the future of what? not sure, will I make it? yes... I know I can. It doesn't mean I don't have bad days, today 1 year, 3 months and I came across a song my Martina McBride ~ Where I use to have a Heart> Strong words to a strong song. Yes there is a hole in my heart that will never mend and it doesn't mean I loved or love Billy any less. Because if there was a chance he could come back to me... Hell yes I'd be the first in line to pick him up... But he's not, so I'm trying to look out into the world. Who know's what I'll see and maybe meet? So it's a positive attitude, a smile on my face, today and only time will tell...
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

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Life After Death

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Miss your posts
by: Annie

Welcome back Patricia. You were also on my mind. I was glad to see your post. Know that we are there for you.

We have hope...
by: Lenora

Hi Patricia

Good to see a post from you...also good to hear that you are doing better.

I?m at 4 ½ months without my Kevin, I miss my Kevin with all that I am...makes me crazy, but I am surviving.

Thank you and I will look up that Martina McBride song.

My Love Always ~ Kevin

Lenora

Proof there is life after death
by: M Mack

Patricia,

I have also thought about you, wondering how you're doing. Thanks for the encouragement and sharing the light side of your current situation. You should never deny yourself happiness. We all know that no one can really fill the shoes of our past when we are trying to move forward, but it's not wrong to long for companionship and even compassion. We're human and to share with others is part of our being.
As humans, we all are different and some of us, myself in particular has a very different comfort level when it comes to other men. I am nowhere near ready to let another hold my hand. I look for Raymond in everyone and it scares me that I am so hard headed. I'm trying, not to judge and hope I can get through it. In the meantime, I'm smiling in my heart for you and hope there is a light of happiness shining down on you. Keep up the positive attitude and sending you my best.

Life after Death
by: jules

Patricia - you have bought a tear to my eye - I know the devastation you have been feeling, I have felt it as well - it is 22 months tomorrow - so almost two years - unbelievable but true.

We have taken this journey together, some of us, and the thing that is so wonderful about this site, is watching the process we are all going through - I know I would not be in the place I am if not for the wonderful people on here. I have found such wisdom, and compassion from you beautiful people, I count you as friends - though we most likely will never meet - you are in my thoughts.

I will always love John, I will miss him til the day I too leave this earth, but I know that I can live without him, I can survive, and live a good life, and maybe I will meet someone else to share my life with at some stage - I am not actively looking by any means - but if there is spark that ignites some feelings, why would i try and extinguish it - I know that John would not want me to be stuck in a dark place, or to be alone, he knows I love him - but there are different kinds of love - who knows I may find that somewhere along the way - and so may you Patricia - I hope so, we deserve to be happy -
always - one step, one breath
take care
jules

Life after death...
by: Anonymous

Patricia,

Early in grief if someone touched me I would flinch, as though pulling away from a painful burn. It was painful feeling Anyones touch that was not Pauls. After wishing and wanting him back for so very long I know that life goes on whether we want it to or not.

It sounds so very simple and though we know this, we are not ready to "Move on" Cannot move on for we are bound with grief unable to do much except exist.

Missing the physical side of what was is normal. The adjustment lies in allowing anyone to get close enough to once again feelsomething.... good. I have not made that move yet to allow someone in my mind or body. There will come a time when it feels right, a time when I know that I am human and ready to co-exsist with someone other than the solitude that I prefer.

As of late I have been feeling a peace somewhat normal compared to the insanity that has been my life since it was totally blown away by grief. I will always Love and Miss Paul, it is that reason that I know I am not ready for anothers caring and possible love.

There is still that stab of pain when I see someone that reminds me of him. So I know it would not be fair for me or another man at this time. They would be compared to what I had. But in time I do want to care for another person be it emotional or physically. I too am human but now too human to think of going through sickness and health yet. Someday...
HH

Different Life
by: Judith in California

Patricia, I was wondering how you are doing just yesterday. I hadn't seen a post from you in a while and It's good to see you are doing better. Life is so different after our loves pass. We hate to move away emotionally but we know we can't stay back there in death wishing them back and our lives away while doing it. Yes we were meant to be with someone and touch is very important to living and growth. I know we all worry about the first time we will resume relations with another and the guilt we may feel because we consider ourselves still married in a sense. We are different in a lot of ways now. I think of verse from another song that says "Only Love can break a Heart , Only Love can mend it again".

It's good to see you're out of the dark place you were in.

Take care and God bless along your journey.

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