life after suicide

by maria
(liverpool, england)

hi, i had been with my partner for 5 years, but we split up and then we got back together 10 years later. We decided to have a baby and I got pregnant quickly. He was so excited about becoming a father and enjoyed the whole process from pregnancy to birth. When our daughter was born, he was so happy and brilliant with her. we talked about marriage as we felt it was important for family life.

I did notice that the birth of our daughter brought up all his insecurities I had witnessed 10 years prior. He continually worried about being a good dad and her not hating him. We had arguments about his intense nature and unreasonable behaviour. On one occasion, we rowed and he went back to his home. the following day, I was told that he had committed suicide (7 weeks after i gave birth)

it seven months now since his death and I am still finding it hard. Im so angry, I cant relax, I always think how I could have stopped it and if i could have been more aware of how he was feeling. I feel betrayed by him leaving us, about ruining our plans for more children, marriage etc, but mainly im angry about him leaving his daughter to deal with the stigma and the knowledge he committed suicide so soon after her birth.

Im due back in work after maternity this week but I have been getting so stressed thinking about it. I cant sleep or eat and i constantly worry about if anything bad will happen to my daughter if im not there. I dont feel ready to face the world. I thought I was so resilient and could face anything, but its much more harder than I ever thought. Should I be moving on by now and be able to face work? I am being weak not being able to function properly? I just want life to go back to normal but dont know when I will feel ready for it

Comments for life after suicide

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Apr 07, 2011
In Time
by: Deb

Suicide is very hard for the people left behind. Years ago my best friend committed suicide and the anger was intense I thought that I could have done something to help him but later realized that no matter what I said or did he would have found a way.
What helped me through his death was thinking of what a wonderful person he was and the great gift he gave me by being in my life.
You were given a great gift by him...your daughter. That is the greatest gift, you still have a part of him in your life. It will take time but when you look at your daughter know that you are loved,by her and him. In time you will think of all the good things about him, because you will see it in your daughter.

Apr 06, 2011
You and your beautifull daughter

Moving on is a conscious effort on our part but, only when we are ready. There is no time frame in which to follow. Having a new daughter brings doubts to your mind as it would any new parent. But having guilt magnifies the lack of self esteem.

Please know that nothing you could have done would have stopped what happened. Survivors guilt makes it so difficult to feel that we are in control of anything, much less grief. Grief takes you where it wants to until much later when you decide that it has controlled you long enough.

Your daughter is a miracle and will bring you much joy. Please don't let the past destroy your future. There is so much for you to experience and teach your daughter. My best to you during your journey of grief. It is a rough road that we all must or have traveled...

Apr 05, 2011
Pain Time Two
by: TrishJ

It's hard enough to lose someone we love but to lose them to suicide has to be twice as hard. I won't pretend to know what you are feeling. I attend a weekly grief support group (which would really be something for you to think about). Last week was a big discussion on suicide. The main topic was the guilt felt by those around the person who died. The survivors blame themselves which they shouldn't. The person will find a way. Once they have made the decision if you would be able to stop them one day ~ they will succeed the next day. It wasn't that he didn't love you enough or love your daughter enough. Something went wrong within his brain. He became imbalanced and thought there was no other way. It's very sad to think that someone is in that much pain. It was his problem and although you might feel guilt you probably had very little to do with his decision. It was his inability to cope with life ~ all of the love you could give him wouldn't make much difference. Please don't feel guilty. Please don't let there be a stigma for your daughter. Raise her knowing that he loved her ~ if he could've stayed he would have ~ daddy had a problem (an illness) and it has nothing to do with us.
God forgives suicide victims. You need to forgive too. It will be a difficult journey for you. Don't try to do it alone. Look for help any way you can find it.
God's blessings to you. Stay strong and love that little girl.

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