life after suicide
hi, i had been with my partner for 5 years, but we split up and then we got back together 10 years later. We decided to have a baby and I got pregnant quickly. He was so excited about becoming a father and enjoyed the whole process from pregnancy to birth. When our daughter was born, he was so happy and brilliant with her. we talked about marriage as we felt it was important for family life.
I did notice that the birth of our daughter brought up all his insecurities I had witnessed 10 years prior. He continually worried about being a good dad and her not hating him. We had arguments about his intense nature and unreasonable behaviour. On one occasion, we rowed and he went back to his home. the following day, I was told that he had committed suicide (7 weeks after i gave birth)
it seven months now since his death and I am still finding it hard. Im so angry, I cant relax, I always think how I could have stopped it and if i could have been more aware of how he was feeling. I feel betrayed by him leaving us, about ruining our plans for more children, marriage etc, but mainly im angry about him leaving his daughter to deal with the stigma and the knowledge he committed suicide so soon after her birth.
Im due back in work after maternity this week but I have been getting so stressed thinking about it. I cant sleep or eat and i constantly worry about if anything bad will happen to my daughter if im not there. I dont feel ready to face the world. I thought I was so resilient and could face anything, but its much more harder than I ever thought. Should I be moving on by now and be able to face work? I am being weak not being able to function properly? I just want life to go back to normal but dont know when I will feel ready for it