Life as we knew it stopped
After several years of disability and then finally moving to have our life, our life was gone. Billy move into my condo and when disability hit we lost it all. We move into his father's cottage house. For 2 years we endured moving, pay cuts and wonderful friends that would some how get food to us to help us along the way. It was extra so, please take it home.
When disability finally came thru we thought, OK let's make the move to Arkansas, everybody said "Arkansas'? Family we said and I say if that's where you want to go then I'm driving. So off we went. We found a home and proceed to pack our house and get ready for the big move. We arrived and found our home not ready, no problem, we'll live with Barbara Kay, your cousin, her mother sister to his mother and best friends.
8 months go by. We try the I'm Fat Classes and the VA and hope to reduce the weight and sugar in the Diabetes. The numbers go down but the quality of life is miserable. We work it out.
Finally it's time to move into our house. We picked the paint, light fixture, water fixtures and the floors. It May, spring is springing and were on our way. Its Easter and I've got a job. If I want new furniture I've got to work. No problem, we have a routine. Med and shots in the morning, calling in the afternoon because of insomnia and I'll be home soon and make dinner.
We weren't in the house less than a month and world as I knew it exploded or desecrated or just stop being. There is no words to explain it. Something tells me I should have seen it coming. When I registered his truck he said, don't worry just keep it in your name. When we turned on the utilities he wanted everything in my name. It would make it easier. So when we went shopping for our new furniture for house it was all in my name.
Why didn't I see it? That Monday when I went to work it was like any other day. Wake up, meds and shots and then kiss, kiss I love you see you later.... I didn't know that later is still pending. When I got home and say "Hey honey I'm home" he was still sleeping or so I thought. I walked into the room and he looked like he was sleep as always. It wasn't sleep. There was no sound in that room. I jumped and
started CPR because I had to do that in the past, in California ~
No I thought, I pumped and pushed, breath every breath into him that I had, giving him my breath hoping and praying it was enough. I called 911 ~ when they didn't show up when I thought they should I called again and yelled where is my ambulance? When they did show up they continued CPR and worked everything they could.
We transfer ambulances and then off to the hospital with me telling them what meds he took and what his numbers where that morning. I grabbed everything I could regarding meds, power of attorney, Advance health directive, shoes and anything else he would need. They wouldn't let me go in with him. Finally the paramedic said he would check.
Then it happened, with his clothes and shoes falling out of my hands they said the Doctor wanted to see me in the Chapel. My heart dropped. I walked into a empty room. I kneed and prayed, please god, give me the strength to handle whatever maybe come to me now. I figure if I asked for that instead of saving his life I would still have him. That he wouldn't be taken from me. I found out that it was not to be. So I then thought Please give me strength because family and friends would be coming.
Then an Angel came to me, Barbara Kay, Billy's best friend and cousin's daughter was there, she put her arms around me in the waiting room and protected me, comforted me like she would never know but still protected my soul and heart.
That's when the nightmare of loss and grief fell over me. Days and people in and out the burial day came and it was a blur. Friends from California, family, everybody came to Arkansas. I grief so overwhelming I thought I would die. They all took care of me and still 3 months later.
I'm now moving from Arkansas to Las Vegas where my family is. I will truly miss my Arkansas family and friends. During this time my Cousin lost her son - Dimitri ~ 23 to cancer. She once told me, 1 step, 1 breath at a time. When I'm really low I cry but I try to remember that.
I've learn to say, I will talk to you later and see you another time because I don't way to say good-byes. I still have not say good-bye to my love of my life Billy, it's, I'll see you soon...
and so I go on... we all will...