Life as we knew it stopped

by Patricia
(Hampton, Arkansas)

After several years of disability and then finally moving to have our life, our life was gone. Billy move into my condo and when disability hit we lost it all. We move into his father's cottage house. For 2 years we endured moving, pay cuts and wonderful friends that would some how get food to us to help us along the way. It was extra so, please take it home.

When disability finally came thru we thought, OK let's make the move to Arkansas, everybody said "Arkansas'? Family we said and I say if that's where you want to go then I'm driving. So off we went. We found a home and proceed to pack our house and get ready for the big move. We arrived and found our home not ready, no problem, we'll live with Barbara Kay, your cousin, her mother sister to his mother and best friends.

8 months go by. We try the I'm Fat Classes and the VA and hope to reduce the weight and sugar in the Diabetes. The numbers go down but the quality of life is miserable. We work it out.

Finally it's time to move into our house. We picked the paint, light fixture, water fixtures and the floors. It May, spring is springing and were on our way. Its Easter and I've got a job. If I want new furniture I've got to work. No problem, we have a routine. Med and shots in the morning, calling in the afternoon because of insomnia and I'll be home soon and make dinner.

We weren't in the house less than a month and world as I knew it exploded or desecrated or just stop being. There is no words to explain it. Something tells me I should have seen it coming. When I registered his truck he said, don't worry just keep it in your name. When we turned on the utilities he wanted everything in my name. It would make it easier. So when we went shopping for our new furniture for house it was all in my name.

Why didn't I see it? That Monday when I went to work it was like any other day. Wake up, meds and shots and then kiss, kiss I love you see you later.... I didn't know that later is still pending. When I got home and say "Hey honey I'm home" he was still sleeping or so I thought. I walked into the room and he looked like he was sleep as always. It wasn't sleep. There was no sound in that room. I jumped and started CPR because I had to do that in the past, in California ~

No I thought, I pumped and pushed, breath every breath into him that I had, giving him my breath hoping and praying it was enough. I called 911 ~ when they didn't show up when I thought they should I called again and yelled where is my ambulance? When they did show up they continued CPR and worked everything they could.

We transfer ambulances and then off to the hospital with me telling them what meds he took and what his numbers where that morning. I grabbed everything I could regarding meds, power of attorney, Advance health directive, shoes and anything else he would need. They wouldn't let me go in with him. Finally the paramedic said he would check.

Then it happened, with his clothes and shoes falling out of my hands they said the Doctor wanted to see me in the Chapel. My heart dropped. I walked into a empty room. I kneed and prayed, please god, give me the strength to handle whatever maybe come to me now. I figure if I asked for that instead of saving his life I would still have him. That he wouldn't be taken from me. I found out that it was not to be. So I then thought Please give me strength because family and friends would be coming.

Then an Angel came to me, Barbara Kay, Billy's best friend and cousin's daughter was there, she put her arms around me in the waiting room and protected me, comforted me like she would never know but still protected my soul and heart.

That's when the nightmare of loss and grief fell over me. Days and people in and out the burial day came and it was a blur. Friends from California, family, everybody came to Arkansas. I grief so overwhelming I thought I would die. They all took care of me and still 3 months later.

I'm now moving from Arkansas to Las Vegas where my family is. I will truly miss my Arkansas family and friends. During this time my Cousin lost her son - Dimitri ~ 23 to cancer. She once told me, 1 step, 1 breath at a time. When I'm really low I cry but I try to remember that.

I've learn to say, I will talk to you later and see you another time because I don't way to say good-byes. I still have not say good-bye to my love of my life Billy, it's, I'll see you soon...
and so I go on... we all will...

Comments for Life as we knew it stopped

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Oct 10, 2010
for Patricia
by: Mari

It is a day to day process Patricia. We go on because he have to. It has not been very long since you lost your husband and you are still in the grieving process.I know it is hard and my heart goes out to you. I look at the picture of my husband and I together and he had his arm around me and I could see the love in his eyes he felt for me.

As a year approaches I feel sadder and sadder because I already know it is going to be terrible on the anniversary Nov 22nt.I have requested that all my 5 children be here on my birthday on Nov 20th if possible because it will be a great comfort. I have requested no gifts as my children are my gifts.There will be a memorial service at the grave site and with my pastor and my family I know it will help the healing process. I also want a police officer to represent the officers that were so wonderful that fateful day in my home.

My life has changed too. I no longer feel like doing many things I did before and my life consists of church and working here at the complex and grandchildren.

God has been with me. My tenants are like family to me and the church I attend is a real blessing.
But everywhere I go and everywhere we went together reminds me of him.

I feel that some healing has taken place and still have a ways to go. Just take care of yourself and remember that people care and understand what you are feeling. It is like my pastor said,''That person was a part of you.That is why it hurts so much.''It is lonely too.I think that is the worst part. Take care.

Oct 08, 2010
From Arkansas to Las Vegas
by: Patricia

So I'm back, I packed our house, cried more tears, but I'm moving. My brother is here to drive me and what's left of our belongings which have now become only my belongings. Put the car on a trailer and hit the road. I watch the green of Arkansas turn to the brown of the deserts of Nevada. As we were topping Bolder in Arizona we had thunder and lighting storms.

Billy and I laughed when we first got to Arkansas it was always thundering and lighting and like kids we would pull the blinds up and oooo and aaahhh each flash in the night. What a display of mother nature. The thunder and lighting became my memory and feelings like he was with me after he passed, so seeing it on my trip made me feel like he was coming with me. I did the "OK (to an empty room) Billy ~ it's time to go".

So I climbed into the cab of that truck with pictures, journal book to write in and my stuff Dog (Large soft dog ~ Billy got me one Christmas when I was visiting my brother in Nevada (Ironic) and he text the picture of it under the Christmas tree showing me he missed me and what was waiting at home) and off we went. All I could do was sleep and watch the miles go by, taking me away from what was to be 'OUR HOME'.

My brother and sister-in-law have been great. Vicky understands and well my brother is my brother and family so its "OK your here lets get the ball rolling" I thought Vicky was going to kill him. I know he means well but sometimes he doesn't always remember the emotional factor in things. So now it's get a job, fix my car, new bank accounts, car insurance, driver license and plates for the car.

I've got to find a home, move my mother from California and she wants to leave now. It's difficult to explain sometimes to her I need time and its not that we don't want her to come I think she just figures if I'm here she want to be also. We're working on that. My brother and sister-in-law have 3 dogs, Ryley, doodles and Taylor. Taylor is the youngest and always wants attention so in a way she's helped ground me. She's on me all day so I'm never alone. The nights are hard, I cry and then I try not going to bed just to avoid it. This will pass I know but I hate the steps of grief they say everybody endures. Its just easier to say "It sucks being me" and leave it at that.

But, then I remind myself this one saying and it helps ~ My couisn told me ~ 1 Step, 1 Breath at a time ~

Sep 28, 2010
Moving from our house
by: Patricia

Yesterday I must have drove a million miles or so it seemed. I got the truck to load whats left of our stuff and my brother will be hear tomorrow to drive me from my home Billy and I had. I know its just a house, walls and doors but this was to be our home. Finally us together, not my condo or his fathers cottage. I feel like I'm drowning and can't breath. My soul feels so bruised and battered and my heart aching with the lost all over again. It takes time they tell me but I get mad at everybody. I don't don't mean to and I try not to show my aeration. Everybody says it will get better. I'm scare I'll forget and not remember. I see flashes of moments and memories being brought on by just a word from a song or driving down the street. I don't want to do this, someone stop this emotional rollercoaster and let me out. I write to him each night as tears fall on each page I bring him to me. I tell him of my day and what I'll be doing the next. Just like he was here with me on this site and in my journal. I cry each night, I can't remember not crying. How may tears can one person have? The days a long but the nights longer. All I know is my tears will carry me to a new place and time. Hoping, praying each mile. Its what I have to do so I'll endure and try to continue forward. 1 step, 1 breath at a time.

Sep 28, 2010
for Patricia
by: Mari

I understand Patricia. I feel the same way. I often imagine my sweetheart will come through the door from work or call me. I ask myself if he is really gone or is this a bad dream? My faith is strong but I have my moments, especially with the great grandchild coming in Dec that he will not see.The grandchildren were his pride and joy.
I actually feel his presence and believe me it is real. Today my granddaughter and I bought a big ficus to put in back of ''grandpa's chair'' and I felt his presence then.What hurts is the thought of never seeing him again in this life and I need him.
But God is in charge of my life and I rely on him for everything. And I know my husband is in God's care and keeping until we meet again.I know also that time is a great healer and I am healing but have a way to go.It is so different being a widow altho I always refer to my sweetheart as,''My husband.''I still feel married.It is strange I know.
My pastor said that God takes care of the widows and that I have found to be true.
There are some difficult days ahead with my birthday on Nov 20th as we had plans and he was too sick. Also Nov 22nt when he went to be with the Lord. Family came from all over and friends and my pastor and the grief pastor from the funeral home. Sometimes it seems like yesterday.
But I find myself still feeling joy when my grandchildren and children are near me and my church sisters and brothers. The sisters and I like to discuss what we are preparing for Sunday evening fellowship dinner after the service and how God has helped us through difficult times.I know I am getting better but am still healing.We have a new Bible study going for the women at my church called ''Women of Lightening'' on Thursday evenings and it is awesome and the presence of God can be felt.It is helping me to cope.Staying busy helps me alot.
Just keep up the faith and realize that God has a reason for everything although we may not always understand.Keep posting because it helps to express your feelings. Believe me, people do care and this is a great board.God bless you.

Sep 27, 2010
How Can I know
by: Patricia


I am sure you think that there is no way that I can feel the pain that you do. My Love also had medical problems. Surgery for an Aneurism 9-9-09 left him with a stroke. We made it to the year mark, I could see improvement but Knew He would never be the same. But My God I Loved him so and would have him anyway God would let me keep him. I even began seeing the former part of him that gave me some Hope for the 2 year mark.

When he died 10-6-19 My heart felt as if it died with him. 10 months later... I see small glimmers of hope, Trying to start a life without him.
All of us here will NEVER be the same. We LOST half of ourselves when they died.

But Please know that grief will not disappear, but will let you keep the memories that you have precious and heartfelt, and one day you might smile thinking of something that he did, instead of crying. I like to hope so anyway.

Ride the rollercoaster of grief you have no choice. There will be BAD days, then (eventually) o.k days where you finally don't fall apart everyday.

But know that he is looking out for you right there wanting so bad to comfort you. And you will see little things that make it fact. He is and will always be with you.

Hoping that your journey in grief lessons just a little day by day. Hang on WE are here...HH

Sep 25, 2010
What happen to the golden years
by: Patricia

Where have the so called Golden years gone? Happily ever after? White Picket fence? Over the Rainbow? Only the good die young?
I'm angry, he's gone and I'm here to do everything. Pack, move, turn off the utilities and rent the truck to move. Why? Can someone explain it to me????? I know he hurt, the pain he felt everyday. He's with his mother, no more pain, walking tall and with a smile. So why do I hurt? Why? Why? Why? Someone explain it to me.... I don't want to be here, make it stop, let me off this ride and please make it better... It hurts so much. How many tears can one person cry?

It's not fair. I know life's not fair but I don't care, I don't want to hear it.
So I'll pack my house and cry my tears. That's the way it will be ~

Sep 25, 2010
3 months, 4 days
by: Patricia

Its happening, 3 months 4 days and their lives have gone on. Mine, No. I'm getting ready to leave Arkansas, our home, we were only there less than a month in our house and it became more of a home than California where we started. I've sold his truck, transferred my job and my heart is aching, their lives have gone on and my continues to be stuck in a vortex, ever spinning out of control and back on its self.

They say don't make any major decisions in the beginning but I'm doing it and now not sure if I'm right. I have a child, family and mother on the west coast. I have a new Arkansas family, friends and job here. I feel pulled in every direction. I don't expect everybody to jump at my every words or feelings expressed, but I don't want them falling over me. Yes, No ~ come back, go away... so many thoughts and emotions in turmoil. They say don't rush it, time will heal, well walk in my shoes and then tell me same. I get angry, I understand, what is happening to me. I look at the sunset and I cry. No start, no finish... every going all the time.

Sep 24, 2010
Life as we knew it
by: Mari

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know the pain you are going through. It takes time to go through the grieving process. It also sounds like a you had a wonderful person to love. He is safe with the Lord now. My heart goes out to you because I sure can understand what you must be going through.God is with you and will help you get through this. Give yourself time. I am glad you have people who love you. You sound like a wonderful person.
My husband passed away in his sleep 10 months ago and although I am adjusting I still miss him 24/7 and wish I could feel his kiss on my cheek again.
I feel sad that he will not see the great grandchild due in Dec. He adored the grandchildren. I have so many pics of him holding a tiny baby.
Well. Life goes on. I am very active in church and that helps me and working here at the condos managing which my husband used to do.My husband had a heart attack a week before he passed away.He was the love of my life. I still feel his presence sometimes very strong.
Take care of yourself and remember there are wonderful people here for you.
I too have made many changes in my life. My 66 birthday is Nov 20th and I will never forget how we had plans for my 65th but my husband was too sick. Two days later he went to be with the Lord.My granddaughter who is 12 yrs old wrote on a piece of paper,''Hi Grandpa. How are you doing in heaven? I love you.''He was so handsome even at age 70.
We will see our loved ones again.I take comfort in knowing that but Lord I sure miss that man. Keep writing whatever is on your mind and heart. It helps.

Sep 22, 2010
I'm back again
by: PatriciaI

I don't understand, why does this happen? The pain and separation, my heart and soul busied and battered. I can one continue? I'm still struggling with so many questions, bad? sorry? no pain for him? How do I live, can I go on ? It sucks being sometimes is now what I say to everybody, its easier... Sorry, the words are hard to find when your heart is breaking because the love of your life is gone... Time goes on and so will I....

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