Life does not go on

by PaulG

I lost my soulmate of 33 years (28 married) on August 24, 2013 to a unforgiving recurrence of breast cancer. She battled without complaint. She inspired with her courage and dignity. She died too soon. 53 years, one month and six days.
I found and read letters I had written to her that she had kept in a safety box. I fell hard for her. True love. Sunshine in my life. She continues to be THE ONE.
I’m alive but just barely. I wake up so I know there’s another day to get through. I stumble along. Detached. Living but then again not living. In suspended animation. Dead on the inside, coping on the outside. Like I’m walking in a fog. I’m withdrawing from life. Slowly but surely, I am erasing my presence. I don’t go out. I retreat back into my cocoon at home where I feel her presence. Perhaps an occasional visit from our kids. Our house. Her memory. Her presence. Our things. Our life.
I am disconnected. Unplugged. Lost and lonely. I no longer have my place. I don’t belong. Nothing seems right. I have truly lost my better half. The sunshine to my darkness. The laughter to my cries. I am numb with pain. I pray it ends. I pray to her to make it stop. My heart bleeds. I have no one to turn to. Get over it. Time will heal the wound. Move on. But I can’t. Something has to give. I can’t go on. I want out.

Comments for Life does not go on

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Jan 08, 2014
to Paul
by: Anonymous

I know what kind of pain you are feeling, as I lost my only best friend - my husband of 20 years 10 months ago. It is the greatest, long lasting pain I could ever imagine. I do not see any hope either, except that I know he would be so disappointed in me if I gave up, after he was so brave to battle for his life.

I know you feel lost and alone and sad and miserable. But every day you go on is a triumph. Nothing will ever be the same, and I don't know what else to say, except that it was helpful to read your story.

I am looking for some way to ease my own grief, as I am turning to some destructive habits trying to numb my pain, and I am too distrustful to speak to anyone in person. Just writing in the blogs has been helpful. I hope that it will help you too. I wish there was something I could say to help you. Please keep trying.

Jan 03, 2014
Your grief
by: Lawrence

My heart truly breaks for you, living the nightmare of your intense grief, losing a wife, husband or a loved one as you, I and indeed all on this web site have done is perhaps the worst thing that can ever happen in life.
You describe your feelings so vividly and your pain screams out but it is an agony that has to be lived through and hopefully come through the other end, although don’t believe anyone who says “get over it” because truthfully you never do.
How long that will take is another matter, like you I wanted to end it all, I just couldn’t imagine my life without her, but here I am writing to you offering you comfort, succor and HOPE, I would never have believed it twelve months ago when I was standing in your shoes..
I lost a wonderful cherished wife on Christmas Day 2012 in the blink of an eye, one minute talking the next dying; I know the shock will stay with me forever and after a year I have moved forward very slowly, I miss her desperately after being together for seventy years it’s like being a separated Siamese twin, BUT although the tears still fall I have made a determined effort to get on with my life as I know she would have wanted and your sweet wife also.
This is my life now, I continue to write books, I can see you are computer literate so sit down at your computer and pour all that intense love and agony into a book for your children to read long after you have gone, let them remember as they grow old your wonderful love affair,perhaps the world would like to read it.
Writing is so therapeutic, please give it a try, I have been writing novels for over thirty years, total rubbish most of it but it has helped me tremendously to overcome my own recent grief.
I have also joined a bridge club and am having lessons, its pushing my brain to the limit. I am having violin lessons as I was a violinist until the age of fifteen when saw this beautiful fourteen year old girl at our youth club and decided I would rather hold her than the violin, as it turned out a very wise decision.
My violin went into its case and never saw daylight for the next seventy years, so if you are musically inclined try to learn an instrument you have always wanted to play, music is also very therapeutic.
I have joined a social club and go to discussion groups and musical appreciation classes so as you can see I am trying to fill my days.
Sadly at the end of all this activity I put my key in the lock and enter a very lonely empty house, I don’t call it a home, a house needs love before it becomes one, I will never get used to it.
So Paul, you have joined a club nobody wanted to be a member of, but life is never fair and you lost a wonderful wife much too soon but that’s what it is just LIFE.
I am grieving with you.

Jan 02, 2014
by: Cathy

Hello Paul.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife. My husband (together 33 years) passed away last year too. It is truly the most devastating event that can happen in our lives. I think it is normal to feel how you are feeling right now. We all feel lost and so alone without our soul mate and love of our life. Eventually though you will be able to function a little better, but you are of course going to still painfully miss your wife. I asked my doctor how long grief lasts and he said it could be anywhere from 2 - 5 years and to take my time with it. I actually hated everything and everybody for a long time, still do to some degree, because I feel like I've been cheated out of a happy life. I think everyone is different. There are grieving groups for people going through this. Some people it helps others maybe not so much. Personally I have never tried it. You will find the fortitude to get through this if not for yourself then maybe at first for your children. It is so painful though and I totally understand how you feel. I wish for all of us on this site to find peace in life again. Take care of yourself, you are worth it. Once again, I am very sorry for your loss.

Jan 02, 2014
do not agree with advice you were sent
by: Anonymous

I feel exactly what you are going through and no one can tell us how we will get through this excruciating pain. I lost my love earlier this year and I am experiencing everything of which you speak. I often wander why everyone presumes faith of whatever religion will see us through. It is quite a presumption to hand someone and losing a parent is NOT the same as losing a spouse! You wrote pouring your broken heart out and as I read your words I felt I could have written them myself. It will truly be the hardest thing you will ever do and there is no worse pain.

Jan 02, 2014
Life Does Go On
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Paul,
I felt exactly how you feel for months after my husband of 46 years died, the day after our wedding anniversary, from a massive heart attack.
He is now gone 2 1/2 years. I often wonder how I have made it through this journey of grief. The thing is we will always grieve for our spouse. How can we not; they were such a big part of our life. My husband was my life. My adult children told me after his death; Mom you lived for dad, now you have to live for yourself. Easier said than done.
After my husband died a dear friend sent me this: When someone you love dies, you never guite get over it. You just slowly learn how to go on without them, but always keeping them tucked safely in your heart. I have this in a picture frame. I read it everyday, just as I come to this site everyday.
My life is forever changed, but with the love and support of my loving God I have the strength to go. I joined a grief support group through my church and that really helped me. Remember we are not alone. We often feel like we are, but I feel my husband is watching over me. I often feel his presence.

Jan 02, 2014
I feel for you
by: Disabled bereaved daughter

Dear Paul, I am sorry for the loss of your wife.

My mum was my everything too. When I became disabled , mum became my carer and gave me the will/confidence to go on. She nursed me through operations. My father never had much contact with me, so she was my everything.

I have a box with letters like you. When I read them I remember how priviledged I was to know such love. Some people will never experience what we have had.

Yes, I too know the pain and desperation of wanting to hide myself away. My loss is recent too. But what a tribute to our loved one, if we can just day by day make small steps to go on.

My mum use to say, one day at a time, this is
really good advice for us grieving.

Wishing you easier days.

Keep with this site- where people can empathise.

Jan 02, 2014
by: Anonymous__MI

Paul, I am very sorry for your loss--we on this site know how you feel as we have experienced the loss of our husbands, wives and other loved ones. I am into 13 months of this journey on the road of grief and I wish I could give you good news and say that grief gets better quickly but that is not true for me. I lost my husband Nov 2012 from SCA and the sorrow has washed over me letting me feel shock, numbness, anger and resentment to acceptance of the love of my life being gone. I am into the second year and the reality has set in as to how my life will be now. Very lonely at times; always missing my husband to the very core of me. What has helped me get through these months without going insane is I look to God for His guidance and everlasting promise that He is always with me even when I can't feel His presence. He never leaves us; He loves us and will give us mercy and grace to face each day. We will not be happy and joyous every day but He gives us strength to do what we need to do at the time. This life is going to have sorrow and sadness; we know this but what we strive for is eternal life with Jesus Christ and to be in heaven for all eternity. This is my goal--to live as God tells me to and to reach heaven where we will worship our Savior and be with our loved ones again. What a goal for us to work toward! Also, I try to keep very busy and this helps to pass the hours. Sometimes I just can't make myself get up and work but when I finally do it always helps me. I wish you God's help as you walk the road that we all are one.

Jan 02, 2014
Life does not go on
by: Doreen UK

Paul I am sorry for your loss of your soul mate. It feels as if life stops and you can't go on after losing a close loved one. You then rise the next day to do it all over again and it feels like an ETERNITY. The Grief Pain is the worst pain one can go through. You have aptly described how grief feels like. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to lung cancer 20 months ago. He was 65yrs. and I felt cheated. People will say GET OVER IT. TIME HEALS ETC. ETC. They are WRONG. They haven't been through this grief so they utter nice trite statements that don't help. We will be in Grief for a very long time. The secret is TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. You may benefit from seeing a counsellor when one is in a lot of pain. It does work if you get the right person to support you. You could try and keep a journal and write out all your feelings and perhaps letters to the one you have lost and let them know what their loss has done to you and affected your life. It is a very cathartic (cleansing) experience and helps the healing process. I couldn't function for 6 months. I sat on the couch and bathed my sorrows in T.V. and then nurtured myself back from grief. I still feel my loss deeply after 20 months. But I cope on a daily basis. I have HOPE I will see my husband again and this helps me go on each day. But the emptiness and loneliness are still so very real and raw. I can't motivate myself some days and so don't go out and don't do much. But I value my FREEDOM to choose to do nothing or something. I cling to this as my lifeline. Death took from me but left me a gift of FREEDOM. I use it wisely and will treasure the days I have left before I join my beloved husband.
Nurture yourself each day. Don't look too far ahead. Get some professional support and don't feel you have no one. You have us on this site. We will see you through. Keep writing, talking, telling your story. One day you will get your life back. Healing is a slow process. But when it starts you will know and you will find this on a daily basis. Don't give up Hope!!.

Jan 02, 2014
Life Does Go On
by: Judith in California

Paul, it's only been 4 months since your loss of your loving wife. Give yourself time. It's hardly enough time to grasp what happened. This is probably the stage in which you realize she is not coming back. I remember that feeling very well. Grief is a horrible roller coaster ride of emotions. It takes you from one feeling to another and then one day you find that you have somehow coped another week anpther month. It's been 3 years, 3 months for me since I lost my love of 35 1/2 years and I still feel that emptiness. I do miss him and wish he could return but know that can not be. Loosing a husband or wife is so different than another type of loss and those who haven't lost their mates will not understand. Life does go on , it's us who have lost our soul mates that stop participating it in for a while. This is because we are having to learn to deal with our loss and trying to find ourselves again. We have to learn to live as one where we used to be an US.
So when we get to the other side of that horrible roller coaster ride we have learned to accept and find peace with their passing. Yes, we'll always have a grief corner to go to. Yes, we will always have that spot in our hearts tht is nonly for them but we do learn to trust in the Lord an know he wqs being kind in taking them so they would not suffer anymore. I pray for you the peace and acceptance side and then pray you will find it one second, one minute , one day at a time.

Jan 02, 2014
A Measure of Comfort
by: Michelle Livous

You can't move on if you continue to replay your wife's suffering and continue to focus on your loss. You have to re-direct your attention to all of the good times that you shared. Everyone can not say that they found "the one" in their lifetime, how blessed you are that you did!

Your wife did what we all must someday do. I am a christian and I know that death is not the end. Know and believe that one day you will be reunited with your love. Cherish all of the wonderful 33 years worth of memories that you have. It is a beautiful thing that God allows us to keep those memories and at a thought be able to hear our loved one's laughter or hear their voice or see their smile.

When I read your post it took me back to when my mother died. I just wanted to curl up in a knot and die. I am here to tell you that one day you will think of your dear wife and smile instead of being consumed with grief.

I will keep you in my prayers!


Jan 02, 2014
My heart goes out to you
by: Anonymous

I am very sorry for your loss. You are having a tough time and I know that August is just a few short months ago and you are still very raw. I have nothing to say that can make it better only that I know how you feel having lost my mum this summer. Time does not heal quickly and grief is an uphill process. What I would recommend is a counsellor or a a bereavement group as it will give you a chance to talk? I was sceptical at first but counselling really worked for me. However don't rush in to anything too quickly you may not be ready for counselling yet.Try to be gentle with yourself and tell people how you are feeling. I have turned up at friends doors asking for tea and sympathy.Most people are understanding. Sometimes others don't know how to handle us when we are grieving and think we would be better left alone. I hope some of this helps. Sorry for your loss and all the best in the future.A

Jan 02, 2014
To Paul G.
by: Life does not go on

I'm so sorry that you feel that terrible loss of your wife. I too lost my son to cancer just this November 23, 2013. I know the healing proccess can't begin unless you let it. Go on with your life as she would want you to do. You have children who, I'm sure, need their dad to be able to visit them and do all the seemingly small things. Do you have grandchildren ? They need their grandpa too.
If I died my family would grieve too but I would want them to live their lives after mourning me for a while. As my son told me," Live every day to it's fullest as I will be at peace and happy as there will be no more pain". I am elderly and have 3 children of 5 I gave birth too. I lost another son two yrs. ago. A parent should not outlive her children. God help you to want to live even tho you have lost your soul mate. She would want you to.

Jan 01, 2014
we have to continue on for them
by: Heidi

I lost my soul mate, best friend and true love twelve weeks ago. I do the same things as you. I don’t go out except to go to work. Or I visit Mickey at his resting place at the cemetery. I wanted to go today but I was too depressed and stayed on the couch. I don’t socialize or talk on the phone or even text anyone. I snuck out of work a few minutes early yesterday so I didn’t have to go thru the ‘new year’ saying. It was too much to bear. I will never have a happy year without Mickey. My co-worker said maybe this will be a better year – but I told her - how could it ever be better without Mickey?

Mickey was ill but he died from a hospital mistake for a standard procedure that went terribly wrong. This soul-crushing pain of missing him is unbearable. But I know that Mickey wouldn’t want me to hurt myself. He had such a strong will to live and that’s why I just knew he was going to make it. He endured so much pain just to live and I would dishonor all his struggles if I tried to join him before my time. My faith in God has been very shaken. I’m trying to hold on to it because I do want to be with Mickey again someday. There will never be anyone else for me – no one could ever come close to Mickey and our love.

Mickey and I were together every single day for the last 15 years. It still doesn’t seem real and I keep wishing that I will wake up from this awful horrible nightmare. But instead I wake up each morning and have to struggle just to get out of bed and face that he is gone. The day Mickey died is the day I stopped living. I merely exist now. I have to take care of our animals for Mickey. He loved them so much. Our little dog went into congestive heart failure a few weeks after Mickey died so now she gets meds three times a day and I have to give her shots by myself. If Mickey were here, he would be taking care of her with his gentle playful way. He was the fun one always making everyone laugh and he loved to make people smile. I don’t think I know how to smile anymore – don’t even want to try.

The people on this site are very caring and offer a lot of good advice. Keep reading other blogs on this site too and it will help you. It’s the main thing that has helped me because no one understands this pain of losing someone so close so much of who we are - unless they’ve gone through it themselves.

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