Life is confusing now.

Hi I really don't know how to even say things. I am only 11 years old and I am so confused with everything right now. First let me tell you who he is and how I met the best man figure to ever have in your life. I have lived through my parents arguing my whole life. It is really hard. I almost feel like I hate my dad, no one understands! I have never had a true man figure in my life until my sister was 14 and I was 6 going on 7. As soon as I saw that kid coming home from school I could see my sister liked him. And when I was little if I thought someone was really cool I had to impress them. I don't even know what I was thinking lol I laugh everytime. I was in the bathroom (right across from my sister's room) I was in there trying to brainstorm a way to impress him. I decided I was going to rap toilet paper around my dog and let him run right into their room. Weird right? Hahahaha I'm a dork. And then I crawled out with some toilet paper hanging out of my pocket. At this point I don't even know what I was thinking lol. I really can't remember what else happened I was pretty embarrassed lol (wonder why ;) ) Well they pretty much fell in love. Of course being a teen you break up get back together and then break up then get back together cycle goes on and on. I still always had a connection with him even through the break-ups! He was an inspiration to me. He inspired me with soccer. He lived two houses away from us so I would sit in the backyard and watch him play and copy him, again trying to impress him lol. At one point they didn't talk but I always missed him. When they got back together strongly at about 15 almost 16 I think we had got four-closed on and moved into my grandma's little apartment. That's where I became so connected with him we always joked around with each other and we have candy that we use to give each other because we had the same fourth grade teacher and she gave out the same candies each year, the candy was the blue frooty tooty things lol. They were soo good. We also always gave each other notes for our birthdays and gave each other these bouncy-balls. We played soccer with each other and sent each other funny texts late at night. One of the best memories I had was when he was on the toilet lol and he peaked out and said guys do we have some toilet paper or something lol and my mom wasn't home so my sister and I didn't know where anything was. We were running around the little apartment cracking up looking for something to wipe with ahahaha. One of the best things he showed me was love. I never seen true love before until I saw those two. Another hilarious time was when we first moved into our brand new huge home! It was New Years Eve and we had played all these games and he had pranked called his aunt it was so funny. We once also played this Pretty Princess game where you dress up in all this stuff. I loved him so much. I never knew how much he mattered to me until he was gone :'(. On august 4th it was my second to last day on a vacation with my aunt. My aunt sat me down and said I don't have very good news. I thought it would just be like we can't go see that waterfall or something like that which I would have definetly preferred then the news I was about to hear. When my aunt told me he was in an accident I imagined him with his leg in one of those slings and cracking jokes. I just said oh he's fine he's probably cracking jokes right now. Then my aunt said he's not okay. And I said how?. She said... He's gone. A million things are racing through my head now. I don't know if I should cry because I don't want to believe it. I still don't believe he is gone after 7 almost 8 months. This is how the grieving process works I believe. I am so connected to my sister now. She is on the top of my list. She is amazing. I don't know how she can be so strong. I never show anyone I am upset that's why I didn't know how to explain this. I try and reach out to my friends and they try to compare their pain to me. How can people be so selfish. It hurt me when they would say well I am sad too ya know. I want them to tell me their problems but I don't want them to compare. It is so hard not to tell them well I hurt so much more than you. It also hurts when my friends talk about their dads or their brothers. I just wanna say umm... hello shut up haven't you realized not to talk about that! I am so hurt right now. Their is so much to say I wish you could go in my brain and learn it all but it would take years. For anyone out their who is grieving right now or just lost someone I am not going to give you pity or tell you it will be alright or tell you to be happy or tell you to get over it. I am not going to be like those other people because honestly I don't like it. I am just going to say don't expect people to say what you want them to say. It's not possible. They don't know what to say and I can guarantee that you don't even know what you want people to say. It's a hard time. I don't know what to think. I am lost. I could go on and on and on and still not get it all out. Grieving is so confusing. Well unless you can go inside my brain you won't know my whole story. Well I am just going to say that I love you Josh. I miss you more than I show it and even if I say things like you ruined my life don't believe it you saved my life. One more thing Josh I love you brother, please help me be a better person, please help me and sissy and your mom. I love them so much and I don't like them hurt. I don't like to hurt either. Well thank you for reading, grieving is something no one will completely understand it's hard. And Josh you will always be loved <3 ((((HUGS)))) R.I.P. Josh 3/17/92-8/3/11

Comments for Life is confusing now.

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Apr 28, 2012
We are so alike

Omg!! We are so alike. I know the feeling of blaming yourself one time my mom was saying that this should be the room you and josh could live in and they were planning everything and I said noooo I don't want him living here about 5 months before he had to go. In his obituary it said he left because things weren't going to be good for him in the future. And I think I ruined his future:(. Maybe me and you could talk more so we have someone to relate to. If you want you can email me.

Apr 27, 2012
you are so like me
by: Ashie bear

Im always fightin at school i just cant think or anythin i blame myself evrythin i will never forget that phone call telling us my lil bro was dead he had been stabed im only 11 he was 9 i miss him so much

Mar 12, 2012

I really am here for you. I can't imagine being a mother and having to still be strong for your other child. And I honestly don't know what to even say I know how it feels when people just say oh I'm sorry and it feels like they don't care! I know joshes mom and I can see the sadness in her which really just makes me sad I really do hope things get easier for you. No one deserves this.

Mar 12, 2012
Thank you!

Thanks so much for reading and giving me some advice. It's kinda hard having to keep my feelings in and when I say them I feel dumb or the other person just makes fun of it or doesn't care! Thank you tons for being nice and supportive to me! It's hard going through teen years and everything while missing my brother.

Mar 12, 2012
I feel you
by: rayolife

Yes, I took the time to read every word you said because my son Jay, lost his brother, my son David 3 1/2 years ago in highway accident. It is very confusing! You wonder over and over again, why di it have to happen? I was in shock for 6 months, I had to take off work. David had been in the Army four years. He had fought on the front lines in Iraq and had spent 15 months in Afghanistan. He had only been home several weeks, the same day he was supposed to go on vacation with all his friends!!! Jay was at home asleep, and I had to go wake him up to tell him that David had been killed, and we needed to go to the hospital. Most of the time, people ignore the brothers/sisters of the person killed, but it is not fair. That is who you expected to spend the rest of your life doing things with. Keep talking to good friends who will listen because pretty soon people will tell you,"just get over it", and you NEVER will get over it. Go to your school counselor, find some books about grief to read, and write your thoughts in a journal. Honor the memory of Joshua by doing good deeds. I pray that God will place another man in your life that you can look up to and will be a real friend to you.

Mar 11, 2012
Well written
by: Janet

Hi. You said what you felt very well. We as adults could take some lessons from you. You are not alone. Yes, the grieving process is hard, painful and a long journey.
I am so sorry for your loss. Know that you are not alone and that there are others that know where you are coming from and understand your pain.
Come back here as often as you need to. It does help to write things down. You might try keeping a journal of your feelings, thoughts, hopes and one day desires. I believe because of your relationship with Josh you will be come a very caring person. My heart goes out to you.
One breath, one step, one day at a time is all we can do.

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