Life is confusing now.
Hi I really don't know how to even say things. I am only 11 years old and I am so confused with everything right now. First let me tell you who he is and how I met the best man figure to ever have in your life. I have lived through my parents arguing my whole life. It is really hard. I almost feel like I hate my dad, no one understands! I have never had a true man figure in my life until my sister was 14 and I was 6 going on 7. As soon as I saw that kid coming home from school I could see my sister liked him. And when I was little if I thought someone was really cool I had to impress them. I don't even know what I was thinking lol I laugh everytime. I was in the bathroom (right across from my sister's room) I was in there trying to brainstorm a way to impress him. I decided I was going to rap toilet paper around my dog and let him run right into their room. Weird right? Hahahaha I'm a dork. And then I crawled out with some toilet paper hanging out of my pocket. At this point I don't even know what I was thinking lol. I really can't remember what else happened I was pretty embarrassed lol (wonder why ;) ) Well they pretty much fell in love. Of course being a teen you break up get back together and then break up then get back together cycle goes on and on. I still always had a connection with him even through the break-ups! He was an inspiration to me. He inspired me with soccer. He lived two houses away from us so I would sit in the backyard and watch him play and copy him, again trying to impress him lol. At one point they didn't talk but I always missed him. When they got back together strongly at about 15 almost 16 I think we had got four-closed on and moved into my grandma's little apartment. That's where I became so connected with him we always joked around with each other and we have candy that we use to give each other because we had the same fourth grade teacher and she gave out the same candies each year, the candy was the blue frooty tooty things lol. They were soo good. We also always gave each other notes for our birthdays and gave each other these bouncy-balls. We played soccer with each other and sent each other funny texts late at night. One of the best memories I had was when he was on the toilet lol and he peaked out and said guys do we have some toilet paper or something lol and my mom wasn't home so my sister and I didn't know where anything was. We were running around the little apartment cracking up looking for something to wipe with ahahaha. One of the best things he showed me was love. I never seen true love before until I saw those two. Another hilarious time was when we first moved into our brand new huge home! It was New Years Eve and we had played all these games and he had pranked called his aunt it was so funny. We once also played this Pretty Princess game where you dress up in all this stuff. I loved him so much. I never knew how much he mattered to me until he was gone :'(. On august 4th it was my second to last day on a vacation with my aunt. My aunt sat me down and said I don't have very good news. I thought it would just be like we can't go see that waterfall or something like that which I would have definetly preferred then the news I was about to hear. When my aunt told me he was in an accident I imagined him with his leg in one of those slings and cracking jokes. I just said oh he's fine he's probably cracking jokes right now. Then my aunt said he's not okay. And I said how?. She said... He's gone. A million things are racing through my head now. I don't know if I should cry because I don't want to believe it. I still don't believe he is gone after 7 almost 8 months. This is how the grieving process works I believe. I am so connected to my sister now. She is on the top of my list. She is amazing. I don't know how she can be so strong. I never show anyone I am upset that's why I didn't know how to explain this. I try and reach out to my friends and they try to compare their pain to me. How can people be so selfish. It hurt me when they would say well I am sad too ya know. I want them to tell me their problems but I don't want them to compare. It is so hard not to tell them well I hurt so much more than you. It also hurts when my friends talk about their dads or their brothers. I just wanna say umm... hello shut up haven't you realized not to talk about that! I am so hurt right now. Their is so much to say I wish you could go in my brain and learn it all but it would take years. For anyone out their who is grieving right now or just lost someone I am not going to give you pity or tell you it will be alright or tell you to be happy or tell you to get over it. I am not going to be like those other people because honestly I don't like it. I am just going to say don't expect people to say what you want them to say. It's not possible. They don't know what to say and I can guarantee that you don't even know what you want people to say. It's a hard time. I don't know what to think. I am lost. I could go on and on and on and still not get it all out. Grieving is so confusing. Well unless you can go inside my brain you won't know my whole story. Well I am just going to say that I love you Josh. I miss you more than I show it and even if I say things like you ruined my life don't believe it you saved my life. One more thing Josh I love you brother, please help me be a better person, please help me and sissy and your mom. I love them so much and I don't like them hurt. I don't like to hurt either. Well thank you for reading, grieving is something no one will completely understand it's hard. And Josh you will always be loved <3 ((((HUGS)))) R.I.P. Josh 3/17/92-8/3/11