Life is only about loss, at least for me
I had an unsettling childhood. My mother was bitter because my father got Polio when I was just 17 months old. I never remember him ever walking. I had 1 and 1/2 sisters. My mother had an affair with her hairdresser who happened to be a friend of my fathers and was in their wedding party. Their affair brought me my youngest sister.
My middle sister and I got abused verbally and physcically. We were called bitches by our mother and beat with our father's belt. My mother was bitter and controlling. She loved my half sister the most and even named her Joni after Joe, her real father. Joni had/has major problems with drugs and the law.
I fell in Love with a man who was best friends with my uncle (my uncle is only 7 years older than me). He indicated that he felt the same way. He had planned to take me with him to one of the islands on vacation. We talked about children and went looking at homes. Then out of nowhere he dumped me for a previous girlfriend. Previously, he had dumped her for me. I got a "Dear John letter". Mahor loss number 1. I was heartbroken and still am age age 56.
When I was 37 years old my mother asked me to lie in court for my half sister Joni. I refused and she disowned me. That was major loss number two. Since then, my best friend told me that she could no longer be my friend because she was Bulimic which didn't make sense to me. I thought that there was something wrong with me. My mother and best friend tossed me away like I was nothing.Friend was major loss number 3.
I had got married to a man that I cared for and it was good for many years. We have 2 kids that are now adults. I am now 56 and not have sex with my husband since I was 45. He is on medication for Restless Leg Syndrome and claims that his medication has stopped his ability to have sex. But he won't seek help for this. I DO NOT MATTER TO HIM. This is loss number 4.
My father died in 1998. I was not allowed to go to his funeral because I had been disowned by my mother. I was told that I would be harmed if I came to his funeral. Loss number 5.
My grandmother died in 2000. She and I had a special connection and I felt like she was my mom. Loss number 6.
Then came my father-in-law then mother-in-law 7 & 8.
My sister-in-law never liked me because she thought that our in-laws like me better - WRONG! The only living family I have outside of my 2 grown-up kids and husband (more of a roommate to me. Plus I am the sole support) is my Uncle and his 2 grown up children. They live 600 miles away in another State.
In the last 2 years, I've lost 3 very dear pets......my 18 year old and 12 year old bichons and my 17 year old cat.
My friend and co-worker (Denise) that I worked with every day died at the age of 54 (in January of this year) and now my boss who is also a close friend resigned her position as of June (5 months later). The person we hired to replace Denise, is leaving the company too.
Alone again am I. Last night I just in my garden and cried.
There has been more losses and a lot of heartache as well. There is not enough paper to write it all down. All I know is that if you have a leak in your roof but cannot efford to fix it and can only let the water run in, you are in trouble. That has been my life.
Constant loss and heartache with no one to go to.