Life takes a Left Turn

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

I miss that Smile

I miss that Smile

Someone explain to me how when you think things are going good, job, moving forward then the rug is pulled out from under you and here we go again. I'm knocked off guard, life is tearing me apart and I'm grabbing anything and everything to keep me from sinking into the quicksand that's pulling at my heart and soul.
You walk the straight and narrow, do the right things but find sometimes its just not good enough. I remember when we were young, we could do anything, nothing blocked our paths and if it did we took it down... We could do it...
Now??? I'm been beaten and battered by anything that comes around the corner. Sad new from a family member, lost of my job and looking at myself in the mirror wondering why? why am I still here? Why? I'm lost and feel like I'm falling down in the dark, again why? Why I can't be with Billy now.. Why? Because that's why.... I hate that saying.
I know all the right answer's to the questions, where to go, what to do and to everybody I'm good. But inside, I just don't want to be here. The job I had for what 3 1/2 weeks ended today. I wasn't experienced enough for the position. What to do now? I still have my part time job and I've even told my mother, you wanted to go to Paris (she's always wanted to go) now that I'm not working again, maybe the trip should be now and not later...
I feel like a dog chasing it's tail in circles. I'm miss life as it was, I miss Billy and today I said it out loud, I was mad at God and Billy for me being here alone and having a terrible time trying to take care of everything. I even told my mother maybe I should just move back to Arkansas.. Can we say step back, step back and oh, let just knock you off your feet.
Emotions ripping my soul apart and draining me of my life. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. What the purpose? Explain to me why I should be here and now, in pain, in tears and alone? The loneliness is the hardest to bare. Grant it, I'm not diving into the pit of despair most times heard first but the lost of my job that I thought I was good at has brought me to my knees. What to do? A common question we all ask ourselves and yet, still no answers.
Please forgive me if I sound lost ~ I feel when I come to this site its a no holds bar for me. I say everything I feel body and soul when I write. It can be harsh and brutal, but I let my heart and emotions guide my fingers with no filter in what I say.
I speak from my heart and soul. Even thought I no longer write in my journal's I feel I need this site to help me move through this new life I don't want but have been force to live in now. So if my words, and feelings are disjointed fragments of words my emotions carry me away, I appreciate all those who have posted on my rantings because we all share the same path in some way, I give, or you give a helping hand to those of us along the way. Feed back with no fear of retribution, just compassion, caring and a bonding nobody could understand.
The pits are dark and deep and tear at my soul. I work each day to become me because I'm no longer us. Where am I bound, only god knows because even if I'm mad at him, he will always be there to guide me I'm hoping on the best path for me. It may not be where I want to go now, but????
I know in God's time we all will be ...
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

Comments for Life takes a Left Turn

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Aug 06, 2011
Left turns
by: Judy


We all come back to this site because we need it to move along in this new unknown path. There seems to be a weird misconception in society that after a year or so grief just goes away and we are "normal" again. Really we've just adapted to what we can't change; adapting is slow and not on any time table. You know what? I'm here on this site too!

Losing a job, especially one you like an feel you are good at, is a blow to anyone. Naturally you are reeling from this, and having to deal with the unresolved issues of grief as well makes you more vulnerable. Give yourself a break. You are a strong lady and you'll get through this.

I would suggest you take some of the empty time we all have too much of and think about what would really make you happy. Will moving to Arkansas make you happy? Be practical, can you afford the move, do you need a job there, can you find work that makes you happy there, do you need to work, if you're not working how will you utilize your time, do you have family and friends there who will support you emotionally, how about holidays? Think all this over before you do anything. Remember grief and things unresolved will follow you anywhere until you've made peace with them

If your Mom is well enough to go to Paris and the funds to do it are there, I say go. We all know how life can be changed in a heartbeat. We only get one chance to go around and time with your Mom is not unlimited. Seize the day. Carpe diem.! Bon Voyage!

Good grief I sound like Dr Phil, but I am just another widow traveling along the same road one day at a time.

Be well.


Aug 05, 2011
life sucks
by: Cousin

Sorry...mostly I try and remain positive, to look for the silver lining but right now I'm a hot mess. What the heck is going on in our lives? I just want to get off of this merry go round of grief and disappointments. I think that it's ok to be negative and bitter sometimes so I'm going to wallow in it for awhile....
I'm sorry about your job cousin....they say that things happen for a reason. I'm still sitting here waiting for my explanation as I'm sure you are too....
Hang in there. Even if it's just by a thread.

Aug 05, 2011
Oui Oui to Paris..........
by: TrishJ

Life really sucks sometimes doesn't it? I have had 4 deaths in my family since Joe passed away in December. Everything that happens is intensified X 10 because he isn't here. I have to do this all alone and I don't even want to. I have days where I wonder if it's all worth it.
Does it help to know you aren't alone? I wish I could be a ray of sunshine for you. I got a phone call on Wednesday. It was my husband's best friend Gene (he did such a beautiful eulogy for Joe) was just diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I can't even begin to deal with this. Gene's wife is one of my best friends. We grew up in the same neighborhood. I just can't. Not right now.
Paris sounds wonderful. I know your mother hasn't been well. I say Oui Oui to Paree. A trip with your mom sounds like just what you need right now.
Jobs come and go. I still don't have the energy to even look for one. We'll get through this. We have no choice. It'll never be what it was.
Take Care. God bless.

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