Life takes a Left Turn
I miss that Smile
Someone explain to me how when you think things are going good, job, moving forward then the rug is pulled out from under you and here we go again. I'm knocked off guard, life is tearing me apart and I'm grabbing anything and everything to keep me from sinking into the quicksand that's pulling at my heart and soul.
You walk the straight and narrow, do the right things but find sometimes its just not good enough. I remember when we were young, we could do anything, nothing blocked our paths and if it did we took it down... We could do it...
Now??? I'm been beaten and battered by anything that comes around the corner. Sad new from a family member, lost of my job and looking at myself in the mirror wondering why? why am I still here? Why? I'm lost and feel like I'm falling down in the dark, again why? Why I can't be with Billy now.. Why? Because that's why.... I hate that saying.
I know all the right answer's to the questions, where to go, what to do and to everybody I'm good. But inside, I just don't want to be here. The job I had for what 3 1/2 weeks ended today. I wasn't experienced enough for the position. What to do now? I still have my part time job and I've even told my mother, you wanted to go to Paris (she's always wanted to go) now that I'm not working again, maybe the trip should be now and not later...
I feel like a dog chasing it's tail in circles. I'm miss life as it was, I miss Billy and today I said it out loud, I was mad at God and Billy for me being here alone and having a terrible time trying to take care of everything. I even told my mother maybe I should just move back to Arkansas.. Can we say step back, step back and oh, let just knock you off your feet.
Emotions ripping my soul apart and draining me of my life. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. What the purpose? Explain to me why I should be here and now, in pain, in tears and alone? The loneliness is the hardest to bare. Grant it, I'm not diving into the pit of despair most times heard first but the lost of my job that I thought I was good at has brought me to my knees. What to do? A common question we all ask ourselves and yet, still no answers.
Please forgive me if I sound lost ~ I feel when I come to this site its a no holds bar for me. I say everything I feel body and soul when I write. It can be harsh and brutal, but I let my heart and emotions guide my fingers with no filter in what I say.
I speak from my heart and soul. Even thought I no longer write in my journal's I feel I need this site to help me move through this new life I don't want but have been force to live in now. So if my words, and feelings are disjointed fragments of words my emotions carry me away, I appreciate all those who have posted on my rantings because we all share the same path in some way, I give, or you give a helping hand to those of us along the way. Feed back with no fear of retribution, just compassion, caring and a bonding nobody could understand.
The pits are dark and deep and tear at my soul. I work each day to become me because I'm no longer us. Where am I bound, only god knows because even if I'm mad at him, he will always be there to guide me I'm hoping on the best path for me. It may not be where I want to go now, but????
I know in God's time we all will be ...
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year