Life time of multiple multiple losses
(New England area)
My entire life has been one loss after another. My sister died in a fire, a few years later my brother dies of cancer, then my nephew died, then the only uncle I knew & seen all the time dies suddenly. Then the death of two half brothers that I was very close to (they were murdered), then the only pet I loved deeply died. I lost the only two friends I ever had, one by death, the other is just gone & I dont know where-why or how, no one does. The dath loss of not only one husband but two, then a couple divorces after that, I started picking men who I knew the relationship wouldnt last, due to fear of getting close to someone to just loose them. Then my dad died, mom is near death, I have another brother who's health is very poor & he may not have many more years left. And the latest loss is my only child who has mental health issues, the loss of my child is not by death, but it sure feels just as bad. My son, mid 20s, moved a bit over a year ago into his own apartment 30 miles away. I learned to be ok with that, but one week ago he told me he was moving thousands of mils away. I never believed it would happen but he actually left this month of Feb 2013. I am devastated & filled with such fear. He has never been able to get a job or drivers license due to his mental condition, yet he left and is gone. He barely had any money when he left, and he has never been far away, he dont have the social skills to be with people, but yet he is gone. Even though the state had him in a mental care hospital for a while to regulate the proper meds and his condition, he is still his own man & can leave and has already done so. My son was the last and only person I had left, I now have no one. My son and I got along great, but he wanted to move & attempt to start a life far far away. I never caused this, I never used guilt to make him stay near me, maybe I should have, but I didnt. I understand his reasons for moving far away & his reasons made sense, but it dont stop the hurt or fear in side me.
I cant sleep, eat, or focus to work. I have such a bad feeling in my sole that I am going to never see my son again. I dont know what to do. I just cry, sometimes rock in my chair, pace the floor. I dont know what to do, this is one of the worst feelings I have ever had to deal with. Its like I am cursed with forever loss. I can only hope he is safe and all works out for him where ever he is. I dont know what to do. I feel so empty, so lost, so afraid.