Life Turns Grey

Four years ago, my second oldest son died of complications of electrocution. He had gotten his life straightened around after years of wandering roads that led nowhere fast. I was devastated, even more so when no one filled in his grave. A friend and I actually buried my son. It is a final service to him that I didn't object to doing at all, but didn't realize how traumatic it really was. Last week, my oldest son slipped in his bathroom, hit his head on the wall opposite the tub, knocked out and drowned. I don't know how to get through this. The part of me that controls my breathing seems to be broken, I feel like I am in some sort of vacuum, or an abyss of some sort that is grim and dreadful. I can't function. I don't know what to do, or what to say to people. Curiously, when well-meaning people say "they are in a better place now" I want to punch them in the face, or I smile and listen to them talk about their great aunt Adele who was 86 with Alzheimers who wandered away , fell and hit her head and died. Something is broken in me now because I don't care who else died, I don't care if they are grieving, and that isn't me. I used to care very much. Now I want them to just go away. Losing a child is so very different than losing a mother or father(been there), grandparents, etc. Although grief is grief, I just can't handle anyone else's now because the grief of losing a child is different, like it alters your DNA or something. I feel broken, alone, scared, sick. My son, who just died, was cremated and it was so hard to know that this body I had given birth to, known, fed, laughed and cried with, nurtured all those years was being incinerated. I'm so lost.

Comments for Life Turns Grey

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Aug 07, 2012
sharing your grief
by: Cathy

I am so sorry for your loss I lost my eldest son 9 months before, know what it is like but i am really very sorry that you had to go through it all over again a second time, i cannot imagine what you are going through and i dont have words to comfort you.I can only ask god to be with you in your sorrow, it is difficult when you lose a child , one whom you brought into this world cared for saw him grow dream with him and then to lose them all of a sudden, the feeling is awful. God be with you, he is the only one who can heal.

Aug 03, 2012
I know what you are going through
by: Rosa

Reading what you wrote, reminded me of how my son also tried getting his life together. Unfortunately my son never made it to live a good life either. That alone makes me sad. Anyways you say now your oldest son also died. My heart truly goes out to you. Its bad enough that you had one son, now another one. I know the horrible intense feeling of losing a grown son but two, I honestly don't know if I could handle that. It's amazing how two different people can say the exact same thing. You wrote that when people say, "they are in a better place now".. I too, got so sick of hearing that. At one point, when my husband said it to me, after hearing it a million times from others, I finally exploded at him and said, "I know he's in a better place, ANNNND, is that supposed to make me feel better." Of course I apologized to him because he, like everyone else mean well. But I have come to understand something & that is that when a person loses a loved one, we automatically become a breed of people. We are a people who other people don't want to be around with, people will avoid us, people get tired of our crying, of our repeating things about our lost loved ones, people just don't know how to act or what to say to us. We are a people who need so much help and we want help, we want to stop hurting, we want to function ok again, we want our loved ones back but its not going to happen so we in despair are caught in a horrible sinking hole that we wish we could get out of. I have been there but thank God I have survived. You say you don't know what to do or what to say to people. I say, you look for help, find others like you because they understand you, find a therapist to help walk you through it & as for what to say to people, don't worry about other people, what they think or what they expect you to say, you just worry about pouring out what you have to say and that is by talking to someone who will listen. That is exactly what I did & it has helped me greatly. I have great faith in God & He has helped me crawl back out of that unending sink hole & you can too. And you are very right, to lose a child is such a different loss than any other loss because that child came from us. I feel your hurt and really understand all that is in your heart. If you would like to correspond more, my name is rosa and my email is: Please try to find help and I will be praying for your healing.

Aug 03, 2012
Life Turns to Grey
by: Doreen U.K.

I addressed you as being MALE. I APOLOGISE SINCERELY.
I had to keep going back to read more and address the points you raised and noticed, the phrase.
I am sorry for this undersight.
I wish you Peace from your Sorrow and Pain!

Aug 03, 2012
Life Turns Grey
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Brokenhearted I am sorry for your loss of your 2 Sons. Of course you are a broken man. You are numb with grief. Your heart is bleeding and it won't stop. I agree with you Losing a child or an Adult Child is the worst experience you could EVER go through. PROMISE ME!! you will find a GRIEF COUNSELLOR. Who will be sensitive and caring enough to support you in your pain. I can feel your sorrow and pain. You are so desperate it sounds as if you cannot face another day. Which is why you URGENTLY need support from a trained professional. I at one time wanted to train as a bereavement counsellor, and because I went into hospital I missed the classes and had to drop out as I couldn't catch up. My first class was observing a counsellor interviewing a mother who had lost her 5yr. old son Andrew. The story was in my handbook. I didn't have a clue then what the woman was going through. I know about the pain of grief. But for the Loss of a child It would be the worst HELL on earth. I couldn't cope if I lost any of my 3 children. You will feel as if you fell off the edge of the world into some abyss and you can't get out, and you don't care because you don't have the strength to get out or fight this grief. You have the right to feel sick, scared, broken and much much more that will present as time goes on.
Oh! Parents are not meant to outlive their Children even Adult children. Due to the nature of how both your sons died is so horrific and tragic this will greatly affect your grief. I can't emphasise this enough. YOU URGENTLY NEED PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT. All I can offer you is my email where you can pour out your heart and all your sorrow. Your Grief is GREAT. I can feel it. Having a cremation will make you feel that your SON is no more as if he never EXISTED. Which is why I couldn't cremate my husband 12 weeks ago. I couldn't bear this thought that he is a pile of ashes as if he was not a body, or a person. My mind could not cope with this. As one mother posted here. I couldn't cremate those arms that hugged me. those hands that touched mine. It is so very painfull I could cry. My sister lost her son and she was mad with grief. She had to have a counsellor come to the house. She could not function. I hope that in the days ahead you will get that support you URGENTLY need and that your pain will be supported by this professional. If you believe in God. Call out to Him to send HIS COMFORTER to you at this time Plead Urgently for this Comfort. I CARE how you get get through this. Please keep in contact.

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