like father like son wished he wouldve im adhd

by david
(houston tx)

My name is David my dad died Nov 4 th 2010 at the age of 51. It's really hard to write this please pace yourself I have adhd and get off track a dad wad a Christian man musician and he was an alcoholic and struggled in pain staying sober he got clean at 28 years old. He always tried to reach out to me but I felt like I pushed him away . Even though he loved me i was his fovorite growing up I only thing we had in common was music and even then I had social anxiety cause of the adhd. I was picked on and laughed at because people thought I was a wierd space cadet. He never did but none the less it was hard. He would hold me when I was young if I had bad dreams he would let me sleep next to him cause his stregnth love and warmth put me to sleep. My mom didn't care for me as much I annoyed her with my hyperness. I feel responsible now that I look back. When my parents divorced she stayed a few years then left new Mexico and moved to new york. She didn't really ever call me. My cousins would get mad cause she would come into town and not call when they had bbqs. All this time my fathers still there for me but I didn't really open up to him until I was saved when I was 23. I'm pretty sure my mother hates men or hates me because I'm like him. My father devoted his time to helping others. Something I admire. he went to prisons to teach gospel and tell his stories to others with drug addiction and how to live free of the pain of addiction. I loved him so much but never told him cause I was scared. Just never thought people liked me much I was annoying and hyper. It was hard to keep friends.all this time he was there waiting for me never judging me never attacking me he knew me better than anyone I was him just he was better with people and dealt with his pain . I got the call and went into hysteria as expected I drank all night at a metal bar in nola crying at the bar missed my flight I was so drunk I couldn't barely walk.when they picked me up. I have been in self destruct mode since then here lied the most wonderful caring being in my world the only man I trusted ,my rock, my reason for working hard, gone . I can't get passed not saying hey dad you were the best you taught me well and you loved me unconditionally. It's hard to breath without him I wish he was here so I can say that everyday to Him, the cool thing is if all this god stuff is true Jesus took his pain away he doesn't have to suffer anymore he spent his whole life swallowing everyone else's pain and his why I don't know but he's the greatest man I know. I love you dad I'm sorry I was an a..hole rip russ ballew 2010 Clayton nm.

Comments for like father like son wished he wouldve im adhd

Click here to add your own comments

Jul 14, 2012
like father like son wished he wouldve im adhd
by: Doreen U.K.

David I am so sorry you lost your Dad. The most important person in your life who was your rock. Your total support. The man who was more than a father. He was your everything. Your loss is so great. I can understand you feeling so hurt and let down by life and the cruelty it has left you with. Your father sounds an amazing man. A man who was proud of you and nothing would have been too much for him to bear. Because he was your Dad I can tell you that nothing you did would make your dad unhappy with you. Nothing you did would make him so mad that he would find it a burden. I am a mother. I can tell you that parents know how to give and give and love their children and try to do their best. Children sad to say get caught up in divorce and somehow silently think they are responsible for their parents marriage breakup. They have divided loyalties trying to be supportive to both parents and get caught up in the middle. Your Father was a committed Christian to be able to carry on doing all the caring which your mother didn't do. He even managed to take in care for other people in prisons and wherever God took him. This was his life. He loved doing this work. It made him a better person helping others. He lived well. I am sure he would have understood how you felt about him even if you didn't tell him. Your language was unspoken. You were there with your father. Your adhd would have affected the way you wanted to be. Even God would understand this and not expect too much of you. When families are fractured. It is hard to say I LOVE YOU. Often this is understood in just being there in the family. being supportive. We live in an unperfect world with all its sadness and adversity. WE soldier on doing what we can. Sad to say all of us learn too late the things we wished we had said and done. But we can focus on the things we did do and say that made a difference to the lives of our loved ones. Because your father was a godly man he would have been able to absorb a lot of the hurt in life because God would have helped him by carrying his burdens. Your dad was able to do all what he did even the conditional love because he had Jesus living inside him and he lived out this life. His burden would have been lighter and not the heavy burdens you may think he had because he did so much good in his life. You have a good Role model. Don't be too hard on yourself for not letting your father know how you felt. Parents just know how their children feel. It is the language of love. Thank you for sharing your story of a man who lived well. I am so sorry for your loss. Try and get some family support or from a counsellor to help you at this difficult time. You can with the help of others get your life back on track. Live well.
Be happy. Your Dad would be proud of you.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Dads.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!