I've always been a hopeless romantic, and when I met Joe on the first day of eight grade we fell in love and stayed together until shortly after high school. He became involved in drugs as i was becoming involved with college and so I left him in California, and I moved to Arizona. I hadnt heard from him in fifteen years but thought of him often. Then one day out of the blue he contacted me. I was so happy to hear his voice, but I knew he was still on drugs. I begged him to go to rehab or get some kind of help. I realized it was not my problem and I needed to break contact with him. Shortly after, I met the love of my life.. my true soul mate. All of my dreams of having lots of kids and having the white picket fence the whole american dream was finally mine for the taking. Then my friend called me and told me he had shot himself in his beautiful face. He died instantly. I can not describe the amount of pain and confusion I have experienced in the past year. I feel like I'm drowning all the time. It is sometimes best to just throw up to get out these emotions. I feel totally isolated in this grief but knowing there is a place i can go to talk about it and read the grief of others make it easier to cope. So to top it off I got the call that Joe, my high school sweetheart hung himself in his garage last month. Now I must digest this and understand that God's purpose for me is not what I thought it would be. I am meant to do something else rather than fall in love and it hurts like hell.