Live from long ago

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)


It seems recently I've been posting more. . . I've been pulled back in time to memories, each day I remember or just see in my mind the sweet memories of yesterday. Things I haven't thought of in years.
Could it be the silent in our office that triggered them???
I'm not sure.
Then I'm home and I've started going backwards on Facebook. Seeing how far my postings on my profile will take me. Yes I will admit I do play the games, but I have family and friends across this united states I keep in contact with. It is a wonderful network that allows us the contact with those.
Remember in the old days we would write and it would take forever to respond or call which always cost so much then. Now we all have unlimited nationwide. We have moved ahead.
. . . Only problem is my heart is still been left behind. . .
Why is it during the day, with no shadows to see are we OK? At night, then darkness falls and my heart with it. The movies like "PS I love you", a drink and before you know it emotions surface, and then pictures around the house bring us back to those we miss and love. I have happy picture but they still hurt. What are we to do? Pack them in a boxes and hope they don't surface into a emotional stab into our hearts.
Just when I thing everything is OK, my heart, my memories or just something on the street triggers something small and I miss Billy again and again. I feel I could cry forever and it really doesn't matter. I have new friends that don't know about him. Well maybe a little, but there great, they included me in everything and there NASCAR family and are great.
Yet, a times I want Billy here with me because I know he would love them. Life without him sucks at times !!!! I know its childish but it is a fact....
Its something we will all endure when the one we love the most in our lives is lone, someone we thought would be there forever, "Happily Ever After" until the end of time. Well my time is not up so why is he not here??? Oh ya ~ the anger issue....
I think I just discovered something, or should I say at a stage I'm stuck on. ANGER ........
It's not that I'm mad at God, or Billy because I understand that point. I'm mad because I'm out here on my own. Even thought I took care of Billy physical he took care of me emotionally more than he might have known. Him next to me in bed. Yelling from the bathroom or the kitchen because he couldn't find what he was looking for. Him to hold me in the night when I was scare or had a nightmare. Him, Him, I miss him so much.....
I want life back the way it was, with friends, with family but I'm asking for is something I know I will not get. Maybe that's a step forward. I know it something I wish for, reality as I know it was and I will not get it. I will have to wait until its my turn in line, until my number is called so to speak. I know that sound morbid but its something I know at some time we all think of.
Like your at the store, waiting and waiting.... for your number to be called....
Forgive me, I'm rambling on with feelings. For some reason these last couple of days I've not be able to deal with my emotions. They pop up, turn me around and jump in my face when I lease expect it. I can't figure it out.
I'm sure there are things that set it off, and of course I've lost control. Oh ya, control, what a allusion. We all think we have it but, guess again.... NOT.....
Life is what it is and were along for the ride come hell or high water. I'm just trying to keep my head above water....
So someone throw me a life jacket...
We all need them some time in our lives....
I've said what I needed to say and I know you are there to listen and give me your ears.
Thanks ~
always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

Comments for Live from long ago

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Jun 29, 2012
For anonymous
by: Mari

You did not say how long ago you lost your loved one. It is completely natural that you miss him. It takes time to heal and varies with each person. Please realize that in time you will start to heal and get on with life.
I would wake up at night feeling lonely but got better when my 18 yr old granddaughter moved in with my great grandbaby who is 1 1/2 yrs old. My granddaughter brought her cat along and the cat seems to feel she is mine. I feel less lonely altho will always miss my husband.
I am busy with the complex here attending to needs here and my part time job outside the home.
It is strange that I feel I am in a completely different life time. Memories have a way of coming up.One day while leaving classes it occurred to me that I should press the onstar button to let my husband know where I was. This was of course was a fleeting thought but memories are often like that.In the days when I worked 3 facilities I would let him know with the onstar where I was. Imagine after 2 1/2 yrs this happening? He was so much a part of my life and his sense of humor. He adored the grandchildren that just kept on coming. He adored my parents too who are 85 and 86 yrs old, 5 generations going strong.I can honestly say my mother and father have lavished so much love on me during the rough times.My heart goes out to you but believe me, faith in God and a prayer at the beginning of each day will bring you through. You always have this wonderful board with nice people to talk to. Take care.

Jun 29, 2012
Live from Long ago
by: Mari

Hi Zoe. I went through that same thing for a long time. It was as if my husband was around in spirit. I had not accepted the fact that he was really gone so I would get an impression that he was around but I just couldn't see him.That is what made it really sad for me.
Time has passed and I am on my 3rd year and have grown used to being here with my grandchildren and working. I look at his picture. He is always holding a grand child or has one sitting beside him. He loved his babies and they loved him.He would have adored the great grandbaby has he lived long enough to see her.
I am doing much better. When I feel that sadness I thank God I did have him. I do miss him but he suffered with his heart and other issues. So we keep going and let God help us get through. Take care of yourself. We are here for for you.

Apr 13, 2011
I am doing the same thing
by: Mari

I can understand how you must be feeling, all of you. I think of my husband when the weather changes, for some reason. Sometimes I say,''Sweetheart, are you really gone from me?'' I also had the anger where I felt I had to be totally in charge of everything since I am by myself.So I went through a period of time where I expressed what I felt in every situation. Then I thought I might be hurting someone's feelings so said,''Lord you be in charge,''
We are not really alone. God is with us. But we have lost part of ourselves and it is painful. If anyone says to move on just say,''I will when I get ready.'' People look at me closely to see how I am really doing. Well, I am alright a good deal of the time. Then some memory comes up. I went to get prescriptions at WalMart and stopped at Taco Bell on the way home. I looked at the booth my husband and I used to sit in and 2 ladies were there. I could actually picture my husband in his spot. So it is little things like that that hurt. Just like all of us took care of sick husband's God will take care of us. He is not to blame but being alone is lonely and downright crappy. I keep my 12 yr old grandaughter with me as long as I can.She really understands my feelings at only 12. I want my life back too. I guess that won't happen but we will get some kind of joy in due time.I had to pay the taxes by myself for the second year. May God bless all of you and keep you in his care.One step, one breath at a time

Apr 12, 2011
Venting with you
by: M Mack

I had the urge to write about how I feel tonight but girl you did it for me. I'm going along and my insides want to cry out for salvation. Going through this is worse than having babies, more than 10 babies in a row! The memories lately constantly play in my head. I talk to him all the time and can't wait for privacy so people don't think I'm totally nuts. This isn't easy and I know it will get better but dam it if I don't have one day to just forget my grief. It's always there like my best friend. It comes to every party....wouldn't miss an outing you know. It wears me out and I can't wait to go to sleep to have a moment of silence from this sadness.

Here's to all of us going through the motions of acting "ok" when deep inside we hurt. Thank God for this site to vent to people who know what this is all about. Spring is here and every sound, smell, car driving by reminds me of him. What happened to my life? All I know for sure is that he was good to me, loved me for who I am and never said or done anything to hurt me, except die. I keep praying for all of us and like to think we will get through this eventually, hope sooner than later. My best to you always.

Apr 12, 2011
I'm there also
by: Jackie

Hi Patricia, I'm having some of those same issues. I thought I lost my mind. My mind keeps replaying those last fews days in the hospital where I sat holding his hand and talking to him all day. he was in a coma and I pray he heard me talking. I can't seem to shut off my mind especially at night when I'm trying desperately to go to sleep. i'm stuck in this same place also.
I am angry just like you, my friends don't know what to say.I'm here for you, so rant and rave all you want, I'm not going anywhere. I come here everyday, sometimes I just read how everyone else
is doing. we all have a very hard journey ahead. we take it one step, one breath at a time. Take care of yourself.

Apr 12, 2011
Through the looking glass
by: Zoe

You know after John was gone I had this weird thing in my head that maybe he wasn't dead. Now understand, he was cremated and his ashes are in my bedroom, but no in my head there was this place where he was still here. There was nothing logical to this, but it was that hope that grasping at the rope that holds us up, he was here, he just couldn't get to me.
I think this became real the first time that thought came and there was no hope with it, I knew it was a lie. ahh reality....
Reality has scarred and wounded us in ways most will never understand. You look back on facebook, I talk to John and live like we would have. I think for me anger and pain have not separated, you are lucky that you are beginning to see the difference. Is it the quiet of your office that brings the thoughts, or is it the fact you are in this office, in this place, both of which are not anywhere near where you thought you would be... that damn reality again.
You have been writing alot, but the difference in your writing is incredible. You may not feel like you have progressed, but your writing shows you have. I think you are past where I am now.
It is not supposed to be this way, period, but it is. If you plan it and work it, it should come true.. no, nothing can be planned for certain because the ultimate joke of the universe is we don't have control. It is a cursed knowledge that allows us to move differently than others.
You know we are here with you.
and as always
one breath, one step, one day at a time.

Apr 12, 2011
I Miss Him
by: Anonymous

As I'm trying to come to terms with my husband's death ~ the one thing that glares at me like a blinking neon sign is ~ I MISS HIM.
I try to rationalize all the facts ~ he was so ill. It wasn't fair of me to expect him to stay here just for my sake, I know he is with God, I know he's not suffering anymore ~ but I MISS HIM.
I know I'll see him again someday ~ he'll be waiting for me but..........I MISS HIM so much I can't stand it most days.
The nights really suck. As you said, I can seem to fill up the days but the nights......OMG those long lonely nights. I miss him asking me to scratch his back, I miss his smile, I miss those big strong hands, his laugh.
We have to keep trying. One step, one breath at a time.

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