Living a nightmare

by Brenden

I'm so lost right now I dont know what to do anymore. It feels like I'm living in hell each day I wake up. Within the past 10 months I've lost both grandparents, multiple pets and my mom, which has been most difficult as she and I were very very close. I'd consider her my best friend without a doubt. The grief of losing one loved one is hard enough for anyone to deal with. So how do you learn to live again when the whole family is gone all at once? I feel so lost and alone now, so many problems and so little help and understanding. Seems there's no solution for any of the headaches I'm left to take care of on my own. I don't want to end my life, I'm just 31y/o, but the pain of living each day with such losses just makes me want to "off myself" and hope that I can find my loved ones in an afterlife if possible. I try to tell myself that it's just a feeling and will pass, but having lived with depression for many years prior to these losses, I wonder if I'll ever regain any sense of self worth or love for life again at all. I truly feel for everyone that has lost loved ones. But without much support or family left to help soften the blows of these losses I have no idea how people keep going. Each day I wake with anxiety, knowing there's so much that needs to get done, yet feeling like I do I just seem to shut it all out and then nothing gets done. As I read others stories here I realize I'm not alone in this grief journey. My heart goes out to you all! Although life isn't fair, may we all find a way to make it thru the day, no matter how impossible it may seem. And have enough strength to keep breathing, in hopes that one day, the nightmare will end.

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Mar 23, 2011
by: Brenden

Thank you Mari for your response and kind advice. I've seemed to be a bit angry with God after these losses, but I will try to work through that anger and learn to have a positive relationship again. My father has been going to church some Sundays since mom passed and says it has helped him a lot. He and I've always had a hard time getting along, but have been forced closer due to these losses. I don't tell him this because at least he's doing something positive, but it just frustrates me that now after losing his wife he decides to attend church. Whereas for the last 30+ yrs he could have gone and possibly been a better husband and father instead of causing so much useless hurt and pain, destructively creating a broken home. Although he says (and I can tell) that losing her has been hell for him, they did argue often (always have) and not long before her passing had talked of divorce and selling the house. So I tend to think that what he feels inside isn't nearly as bad as I feel. He still gets up early and goes to work and can think about and do other things. Whereas I am just devastated, numb, still in shock, sleeping much more, getting less and less done each day and having a hard time accepting all this loss that happened so suddenly. I plan to go to some bereavement meetings asap and hope they might help me to cope and understand this pain so that I can try to focus on a positive future, rather than being stuck in a depression and feeling suicidal. It has all just been so overwhelming to adapt to a new way of life with so much additional responsibility and worry. I try to focus on what positive there is in my life and be grateful for what I've had and what I still have left. But my mind just tends to revert back to the past and so I keep reliving the pain again and again. Sorry for the rant, but I believe that's what this site is for? And I'm thankful for that, because it does help to vent and reading other peoples situations gives some comfort in knowing I am not the only one suffering with grief at a time when one can feel singled out and so alone. I also want to say I am very sorry for the losses each of you is having to live with. You have my deepest sympathy and wishes that the hurt will eventually subside in time. Thanks again for enduring my rambling, and I hope that for each of us, tomorrow is less painful than today.

Mar 20, 2011
living a nightmare
by: Mari

Brenden, I am so sorry for the losses you have suffered. Sometimes it happens that way. You don't get a chance to adjust to one loss and then there is another.

Grieving takes time. The time is not the same for everyone and there is no way to escape it. Time does ease the pain and things may never be quite the same.

You sound like a sensitive caring person.
Do you belong to a church? Do you have a closeness with God? Is there a close friend you can talk to?

Brenden, if I were you I would thank God for the time you had your wonderful mother, and your grandparents. Your grandparents and your mom are safe in the arms of Jesus and your pets are too. When you begin a relationship with God you start to feel better little by little. And if you don't belong to a church it would be good to join one and get the support of others. And know in your heart that you were blessed with people you loved and they loved you. This will help lift you out of the depression.

My husband passed away 15 months ago and it has been very hard. But I make sure I thank God I had him as long as I did and I have a family and church to see me through. I also got a part time job and still work here at the complex. I am busy. Sometimes I still cry, esp at night. But I have the assurance of seeing him again.
In regards to pets, I can tell you are a loving person so you might get another pet to lavish love on. Pets need people like you.
I am getting a kitty cat. My grandaughter's friend's cat is expecting. I find myself very excited it and realize what a healing effect a pet can have.

Anyway keep posting because we have such wonderful people on this board. We are always here for you. God bless you.

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