Living in the here and now...

by Hope
(Tappahannock VA.)

Happiness and Contentment

Happiness and Contentment

Last night I stayed up until 2 A.M reading Pauls old Love Letters. It took me nearly a year and a half to be able to do this. It was in the beginning of our Love. When we began to admit what we meant to each other. You see... 4 months into the relationship he was called back into the Army. He went to Germany for 6 months. It was the longest 6 months of my life (excluding grief of course).

We really got to know each other through correspondence. Oh he was so romantic and sensual. How I miss that part of him. When Sept comes it would be 3 years ago when sickness then eventually death took him away from me.

Was it that long since he told me how beautiful I was?

Was it that long since he made me feel that I was the only one in the room?

Was it that long that a simple look told me everything that I needed to know?

Was it that long since we made plans and dreamt of our future together?

How long before I can take this life given me and let go of my past to embrace the future completely? How long will I yearn for what was but what will never be again? How long before I can smile to the bottom of my soul and be happy and content with who and what I am?

Comments for Living in the here and now...

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May 15, 2011
Here and now
by: Judy

Hope, this is something we just got to do. And you will do it. You are tough and insightful and trying to go forward. It took a while but now I can smile and laugh all the way down to my insides. This has just been the past couple of weeks though, and a long road to get here.

I had a little lesson from nature this week about this struggle. The "love bugs" have invaded Florida this week. These are bugs that fly around attached to their mate, who eventually dies and then the female is flying around with the body of her mate still attached until he eventually drops off. They're everywhere, look like blowing snow when you are driving and fly in open doors etc so they are in the market, in the library and any other place you can name. It struck me yesterday that emotionally I was doing basically the same thing. I was going along through this life with Barry still emotionally attached to me even though he's gone and has been for 18 months. I don't want to be defined in life as a widow, I want to be Judy. I need to let him go. I need to fly along without his constant presence in my mind. I need to let him go. He will never stop being a precious part of my past. But I need to let him go.

Struggling along beside you,


May 09, 2011
by: Zoe

Oh Hope,
I have no answers, probably have more questions than you do. But, I have accepted that I am not ever going to do some of those things ever again. Do I smile, yes, but will I smile the way I did before, no. I will always carry the past with me, like it or not what has happened has shaped who and what I am. I have a dark spot on my soul that is now a part of me. This is the new me.
I think that is ultimately what this loss does, it makes us different, stronger, and smarter because we know the truths, that everything can change in an instant, no matter how many plans, no matter how many prayers, this happens. It skews your ability to look at anything the same way.
To be like I was before would require an innocence I no longer have.

I hope that you find a way to feel that joy again, and if you search long enough, I know you will.

One breath, one step, one day at a time

May 09, 2011
In the Here and Now
by: Judith in California

Hope, you never cease to make me cry. I can relate so much to you and your picture. My husband and I used to look at each other like that.

I only wish he had written me a love letter. I asked him time and again but he didn't then it became physically impossible for him to write.

I ask myself the same questions but am fearful that letting go will somehow make him fade from my memory too. He will never know how deeply I love him. I needed him so but didn't want to smother him so I held back some so as not to scare him away. Now I wish I hadn't . I'm still in love with him.

May 09, 2011
Here and Now
by: TrishJ

Just when I think I'm making progress part of me yearns for the day I can be with Joe again. I'll have a good day ~ then look over old pictures ~ sit and cry and cry some more. Why do I do that to myself? I know it's never good to block things out. The pain from the picture viewing is unbearable but I still do it. It's "necessary" crying. I always feel better after a good cry.
I know exactly what you mean. Will anybody ever write you letters like that again? Probably not. Will anyone ever again be able to look at you and know exactly what you are thinking and feeling? Chances are slim to none. Would we ever even want that from any other man? But.....WE HAD IT:) Thank God we had it. Some women never find real love in their lives. For that we should all be thankful. We had the best. We have our children who are a part of them. I think I would let God cut off an appendage just to be able to spend one more day with Joe. Just to hear one more, "I love you honey." I'm grieving for our old lives together, not the last two horrible and painful years.
Yesterday was mother's day and I spent he entire day with my two beautiful children and grandsons. Again (I sound like a broken record) it was hard because he wasn't there. It's the same old song and it's getting tiresome. I know I have to move forward but part of me just doesn't want to.
You commented earlier that you think you've outgrown this website. I need you here and others do to.
I wish you happiness Hope. You inspire me. It's OK for you to feel blue and long for Paul and all of his goodness. You are a strong lady and you inspire me. God bless. Hope you had a wonderful Mother' Day.

May 09, 2011
living in the here and now
by: jules

Hope - how far you have come - how far we have all come - even though we still have "moments" when it all just feels surreal - we are living, we are surviving, we can be happy, we can laugh, we can look back and be happy for what we had.
We had love, we had pleasure, passion and enjoyment of life.
So lets appreciate what we have now, enjoy our memories and look to the future.
Even so, every day - one step, one breath
take care

May 08, 2011
Living in the here and now
by: M Mack


I thought I heard teardrops at 2am.......those bitter sweet letters from a time gone by. If a picture tells a thousand words I'd have to say that the one you choose says it all.
You are fortunate to have loved and as we now know nothing can last forever. I just hope you are getting better with the new life and your sadness is only momentary. After all, we are here among the living and that is our job- the new life.

I too torture myself reading the cards from past birthdays, valentines day, sweetest day but the killer cards for me are the ones for no special reason. He would take the time to find
one that related to us, our life. There's one card with a couple on the beach, holding hands, and he always wrote a special note beside the printed words and underlined the special ones. We are not meant to forget them but to love and appreciate that we had the opportunity to know a special love......even though it breaks our hearts. God bless you Hope for you are a special lady and your gift is Pauls' love.

May 08, 2011
by: KH

You have a lot of strength, and you don't give yourself enough credit. I'm so happy you were able to read those letters, and yes, it took some time, but everything takes time. Sadly, some people don't ever gain the courage and strength to do something like that and be able to reminisce. I remember daddy telling me (and you too) about you guys writing each other while he was gone. He said that's how he got to know you so well. I know that's how you guys realized you were in love. That's how I knew you guys were meant to be together. It may have taken a few tries to find each other, but you ARE soul mates, you have something that can never be taken away by anyone, no matter what. Knowing my daddy had someone he loved so much makes me so proud to call myself your daughter. I love you and miss you. I'm glad you continue to grow. My daddy is right there holding your hand on this journey; he won't leave your side no matter what happens <3

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