Living life and beginning again (over and over)

by Hope
(Tappahannock VA)

I was happy once and I will be again

I was happy once and I will be again

June 27th 2012
My birthday is in 2 days. How can I have survived without my Love for 2 1/2 years? I have grown, learned more of myself and what I can be, discovered my independence and found that I selfishly do as I please to find out who I am. I have grown so accustomed to being alone I wonder if I can co-exist with anyone. By that I mean if I could allow another man in my life. I still feel that I am not ready for such sharing of the heart since mine had been broken beyond repair.

For all those that are beginning grief or a year or so in I wanted to let you know that it does get better in that you begin to enjoy life oh so much more knowing how precious it is.

I just came back from Niagara Falls. I went with My sister-in-law and my son. I wished him there as I viewed the beauty that lay before me. But the awful hurt and anguish was not there. I was able to enjoy the moment as I was meant to with awe and amazement.

But there are still times, and I guess there will always be as my upcoming birthday that I wish him here and the loneliness sets in. I do not cry but rather sigh knowing that this is my life and I had better live it as best as I can. Do not waste your life wishing what can not be as I have done. Perhaps it is only natural to want what we cannot have. But in my growth I try to embrace the life that stands before me and I hope that you can too. My best to all of you traveling this long hard road of grief. It will show you how strong you can be and how you now know what is important and what is total BS.

And as breath, one step at a time

Comments for Living life and beginning again (over and over)

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Jul 05, 2012
by: Zoe


Lol did u not notice I changed you husband's name??
I do know what it is ... My computer. Not so much


Jul 05, 2012
Thank you
by: Anonymous

For sharing where you are in your journey. It give me a lot of hope. I'm only months into mine, but your advice comes at the right time.

Thank you.

Jul 03, 2012
for my wonderful friends here
by: Mari

Life goes on here as usual. I stay busy and it helps me. My granddaughter is here and the great. I also have my cat to fuss over. My job keeps me busy too. And my job here at the complex.
This morning I spent over an hour watering my plants and giving them vitamins. My friend who lives in the above unit is as crazy about plants as I am and she is on vacation so I have been watering all her plants too. I have plants inside and outside.My husband said it looked like a jungle in here.
I look at his picture and say,''I will always love you.''
Sure I have sad moments but I am better. I feel a bit strange at times as if I have moved on to a whole different lifetime. It is as if I have lived twice.
I am so grateful for having had a wonderful husband and as for dating I did have a coffee with a gentleman but when he said he didn't believe in God I got nervous and did not see him again. At this point in time I am okay with being me. I have had to learn though. I do appreciate all of you who have offered comfort and caring throughout. It means so much. God bless all of you.

Jul 01, 2012
computer auto correct?
by: HH

Hey Zoe,

Whats going on?

Jul 01, 2012
Kay sura sura
by: HH


You can always count on me to help you through the rough spots or even understand why it feels so strange living this new life we try to lead. Call me anytime...


I did not know if you had outgrown this site. Perhaps outgrown is the wrong word as I still need it from time to time. It is reading of other's new grief that pulls me back to THE most painful moments of my life. I want to help but have to put myself back to that painful time to empathize I am not sure that I can do that, somehow it takes the strength that took so long to build. It breaks my heart knowing what they/I went through.

You said that you were being selfish doing as you please. Getting to know yourself and I do think that it is part of our growth. Doing as we please getting to know ourselves all over again, who we are versus who we were. It is not selfish it is our growth. That includes Not dealing with the petty BS that used to make a day bad.

We know what is important and what is not worth bothering with. Too bad it took grief for this awakening to occur.

I do wonder how the old gang is doing, how their lives have evolved and am so glad to hear from you and Zoe. Mari and Judith too.

I have not "dated" yet. I am not ready. The horrible loneliness still resides within me but I know that I cannot replace that once in a lifetime man, My Love Paul with another. Nor would I try, I think about having company other than my 14 year old son be it man or woman, just a friend and maybe just maybe someone from my grief group may be just that. We went bowling with my son her son,wife and grandchildren yesterday on my birthday.

I did fear that it would be one of those moments when I would miss Paul and have to fake my way through the day. It ended up being a wonderful day I was both relieved that grief left me alone and allow be to feel joy on a day that joy should be felt.

Just the same I do switch things up. Going to a baseball game on the 4th so that old memories might leave me be. Hmmm once upon a time, not that long ago perhaps last year going to a baseball game was an act of courage. Recalling the last game Paul Brandon and I went to before his surgery and the look on his face that it might be his last. Mmmmm some memories will not leave our minds and some fade and hurt just a little less like the pain of birth the memory of death will always smart but not the lashing searing pain that was so prevalent the first 2 years.

Kay sura sura I do not know what will be will be. The future might not be ours to see, but we know damn well how precious it is and that time is not to be wasted or endured but LIVED!

My best, always...

Jun 30, 2012
by: Zoe

Ok I know that the computer gods are not happy withe when they change name... Sorry

Jun 30, 2012
starting over again
by: Judy

Hi Hope, it is so good to hear from you and hear that you are doing well.

As usual you can put into words what we all are thinking that have come along to two years or more in grief. Yes we can survive and yes we will do it. You are so right. Life is more precious now and I am acutely aware that everyday I put off doing what I really want to do is a day wasted. I am just biding my time now, until I can retire and move back to CA to be near my children, friends and precious new grandchild. Meanwhile I do live a pretty selfish life and so what. That's how you learn who you are now. It's really pretty liberating because you don't put energy into things which are meaningless to you.
As for men, well I tried that once, mostly to fill my physical needs (yes I still have those) and learned a couple of things about myself in the process. I'm still not ready to open my heart for the fear of loss again, and I definitely don't want to take on another man who is not well. It's my turn to be number 1. Is that selfish? Yeah, probably but that is starting over.

Be well and happy, blessings to you and all of us who are trodding this road together.


As for men, I tried that

Jun 30, 2012
To Ted
by: Zoe

The shortness or length of time does does not make the pain better or worse
Grief is very personal there is no right or wrong way, good way or bad way
The person you were before you lost your partner is gone part of the journey of grief is figuring out who this person is
It takes time right now you ate in raw clawing pain where every memory is alway overshadowed by the loss
You do get through this
I am 15 months since loosing my John, and I cried today
For me there will never be another, I live and plan taking into account what I k ow he would want
This is how I survive the pain it gets different our minds allow us to work around the pain
Come here as often as you need too we are here and we understand
And when it feels like you cannot move any longer
One breath one step one day at a time

Jun 29, 2012
Happy belated birthday
by: Zoe

I was slammed at work and didn't open this until today!! So happy birthday
And thank you
Through your own grief you reached out to me afet I lost John
You kept me from falling all the way with your encouragement and friendship
We may cope differently, but we cope together my friend
Joes love will never be replaced, but if you decide to try again, you will find that your heart will expand to have another
Hope u r kicking up your heels right now
And as always
One breath one step one day at a time

Jun 29, 2012
2 yrs in
by: Anonymous

Mari and Judith it is so good to hear from the ole gang so to speak. Isn't it funny how we took the horrible grief ride together and survived in our own ways. I know that without this site I would be a basket case.


Please continue to come here for support. This site is the net that you will need to get though the firsts of the first year and going into the second which is the actual period of adjustment.
Do not rush grief, it will not be rushed it has its own path it take you not you it. There are many ups and downs of grief, we call it the horrible roller coaster of grief that we all want off.
come here often, this is your safety net, we will be there to catch you when you fall.

Jun 29, 2012
rules for survivng grief 101
by: Anonymous


Gee I would Love to give you some pointers for surviving grief and the emotional aspect of doing so. Really it is a day to day thing starting each day over and trying to see the beauty all around us. It is SOOOO hard to be an optimist when you really feel in your heart ah the Hell with it! there is NO beauty without my Love.

I think that it is taking life in very small increments and even talking yourself through the rough ones. I actually do talk myself through things I do not understand out loud. Did I do this before? perhaps I do not know but I would get so frustrated doing things that I have never done before.

The first time that I mowed the lawn (hubby's job)
I sobbed for all the neighborhood to see. The tears turned to anger the more that I had to deal with and yard work ended up being a physical way in which I was able to unleash the anger and unfairness of it all.

Some one here said loneliness is love with no where to go. I have a child who was 11 at the time. Everyone said that at least I had him to raise. As if that made it easier, really I thought I can not raise this child...I can not even take care of myself.

As far as finantially that is really rough. We need to really cut back to barely surviving and if neccessary live with relatives until we can fight our way back to a decent life. Not the one that we were used to because that can never be.

Thing is we need to use the anger at the unfairness of it all to dig out our new life.
unfortunately there is no game plan. We are plopped into the new life struggling to find our new normal and it does not come easy.

wow look at all this rambling and haven't even finished my first cuppa joe.

Write anytime I can recall the worst of my grief but thankfully not with as much clarity much like giving birth. It is a foggy memory that I can recall but thankfully does not smack me in the face as it used to.

As always one breath one step even one minute at a time...

P.S I did not address the overwhelming loneliness issue. The only way I was able to adjust to loneliness was to get to know myself better. After all... the we is now just me. Yes I am still lonely the pangs are still there but the more I reach out doing things I have never done before concerts, traveling (locally within a very small budget) the more I get to know myself as in going through puberty. Finding out who I am as I am not as I was before. It all take time a courage. Courage that you do not know that you have. Grief changes us all. You will find strength that you did not know yourself capable.
Unfortunately it does take time to medamorphasize in to who you re to be...

Jun 28, 2012
For Ted
by: Mari

Hi Ted. I am very sorry about you loss. It has not been very long and you have the grieving process to go through. It takes time but with God's help you can do it. It is a day at a time thing. It is very hard to lose someone you loved. We care for you and will keep you in prayer. Your son will be a great help to you at this difficult time.
It has been 2 1/2 years for me and I can say I do feel better and have gone on with my life. Of
course I have moments and memories at times are hard to take. I am comforted by family and friends and by knowing I will see my husband again.
We are here for you when you need to talk to someone about whatever is on your mind and heart.These things take time but keep up the faith and take a day at a time. This is a wonderful board and has been a great comfort to me. Take care.

Jun 28, 2012
Living life and beginning again over and over
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Unknown,
What a lovely mature attitude you have toward the loss of your loved one. You have given encouragement and Hope to carry on to others grieving at this moment.
You both are such a handsome couple. It is a difficult time for many people suffering a loss at this time and many don't know how they can carry on. I hope that we are all able to eventually feel the same way as you and embrace life again as you have done.
I would love to know what changes in your day to day life have allowed you to think differently about life and feel that life is worth living? I know that FOCUS helps. LONLINESS. Is difficult for many people surviving the loss of their spouse and feel the emptiness and lonliness and swamped by this. It overtakes them to the degree they feel they can't go on. Many have financial difficulties which add to their grief and they don't know what to do? If anyone out there has practical and not emotional tips for surviving day to day please share these for others struggling at this moment with it all. Thank You for sharing.

Jun 28, 2012
I Understand
by: judith in California

Hi Hope, it's good to see you are moving forward and I understand the over and over again part. You have come a long way and I admire you that.

We have been and will be on a difficult road to our future happiness. Me for 21 months so far. I have had 3 dates and no matter what I get nervous and fear they might get serious and then what would I do. Im not ready for that . It would be hard for me to allow someone new to enter my home and him try to change my home or me in any way. I'm fine alone but not so much being lonely. My fear is someone would get sick and I'd be right back being a caregiver all over. I love my 3 cats and it's rough caring for them as demanding as they are at times. I told my therapist I just don't want to be responsible for anyone but me now. I could still care for my husband if he were here but not in my future. I still have that sad empty feeling most days no matter if I'm out laughing with friends. But Move fprward We must huh Hope.
It 's good to see you are making it one breath, one minute one day at a time as I .
Your picture still gets to me and makes me cry because it shows so much love as with Chuck and I.

Take care Hope

Jun 28, 2012
thank you for sharing
by: Ted

Thank you for your posting. I am just starting down this terrible road of dealing with profound grief having lost my partner only 2 1/2 months ago. We had found each other later in life and had just moved in together 7 months prior to his sudden death, with plans to be married in December (12/12/12 - will be a tough day of remembrance). We had past lives and history, both been married before, I have a son, and finally found and accepted our true identities. We both knew that we had a deep and unconditional love for each other to the point of envy by some of our family and friends - and then it came to a sudden tragic end due to an aneurism on Good Friday. I have been struggling with how/why to continue on alone and your message spoke to me in such a profound way. I now feel that perhaps I can get "unstuck" and move forward - ever so slowly.

Thank you so much - and may you have only the best in your future as you have been a godsend to me.

Jun 27, 2012
For Hope
by: Mari

Happy birthday Hope and may God bless you.
I could have written that you wrote. I feel exactly as you do.It has been 2 1/2 years for me too.
I am so glad to hear that you are doing better. I realize you still have those moments but I suppose we always will.
I am doing good and working hard. My granddaughter and great granddaughter moved in and that eased my loneliness a whole lot.I also acquired a cat and I love cats. The greatgrand baby is saying a lot of words now and she loves to point at the kitty and say,''cat cat.'' She brings a lot of joy at a year and a half.
My grandchildren, one in particular still misses her grandpa but her faith is strong. I have my moments. But it seems different now as if this all happened a long time ago. strange.
But as you said Hope, life is to be embraced and I am doing that.I thank God for the blessings He bestows and that I did have a nice husband. I am so grateful for a large family with plenty of grandchildren and my parents doing fine at ages 85 and 86.
You have been a great source of inspiration to others. Take care of yourself.

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