Living with this pain is worse than death

I lost me husband 22 days ago, We met when I was 16 and had been married 27 years. It was easier the first few days, I just thought he was away, but he hasn't returned yet and I am scared he isn't coming back. I accept his death one minute and the next I call his name and expect him to walk in the door.
I never thought I could hurt so much, I never thought I could love somebody so much. I smell his shirts, I search for him, I talk to him. I must be going crazy. Everybody says 'be strong for your children, they need you'. I try but there is also me and I am falling apart.
I keep myself busy but a day has 24 hours, I have to sit down at some stage, that is the worst because all I do is think and cry and scream and beg for him to return.
Will it ever get easier?

Comments for Living with this pain is worse than death

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Jul 15, 2012
the gping hole
by: Anonymous in MS

I empathize and share with the women here the loss of their spouse. Yes, that schrieking, ripping pain lessens but, as has been said, the deep sadness remains. Three years and 4 months for me, so far. Kids help because you have to fight through to attend to them. Men, or at least many of them don't do well when a part of their body is again removed("At last, blood, bone of my bone(Adam"). Some have mentioned the smell or their mate. Yeah, entering the closet with her smell permeating all her clothes is tough and allows for only short stays there - else you unendingly relive the lost life and rip open the wound . A caution, at least for men: you will be nuts. You will seek to fill the pain of that gaping hole in you with all sorts of thoughts and you will stuff that hole with insane relationships... I found it absurd but interesting how you can fixate on the color of someone's hair, or the fact the she's toting young kids, or maybe she sings out loud - things that remind you of "the her"....... you will gravitate to them and tranform them in your minds eye. If you have good, safe female friends in in great marriages they can save you from a lot of crazy error. Find a friend who will tell you your being a fool. You will listen them shortly. Women know more about men than other men do. The guys will be about thir business building the World. The women friends are, by nature, comforting.

Jun 16, 2012
living with pain is worse than death
by: shaz

you touched me when i read about your grief.its been 13 days that i lost my love,and only yesterday i buried him.smelling his clothes has been a big thing for me during this hell time,and im even angry if the smell of him has faded some.ive gone to the point of searching for his hair,and found some,on doing that i was immensely happy for a split second,but then it dawns on you why your doing it,and the sobs just overtake everything.do what makes you cope at this sad time,how ever strange it is,you do whats comforting for you.my friends have been tremendous to me,but i think they think ive lost the plot.i have niges tshirt with me,like a comfort blanket,and i hold on to it for dear life.i still feel i want to die to be with him,and ask why he left me.i know its a long journey being in grief,and im scared for the journey,but i hope all of us which are travelling the journey also will provide you with some comfort and solace.my heart and thoughts are with you,and to everyone else.

Jun 06, 2012
They live in our hearts
by: Anonymous

Sorry for your loss. I lost my partner 8 months ago to cancer after a wonderful 20 years together. He was only diagnosed 7 weeks before he passed.
The shock and horror for both of us at that time was unbearable. But we both decided to quickly accept what was the inevitable and TRY and stay positive and share every last second with each other and say everything that was running through our minds.
BUT the shock and horror that followed from the day he passed was almost to much for me to take.
I thought I would feel like that for the rest of my life. I didn't want to be alive, I wanted to be with him. We had no children and lived for just each other. This continued for 6 months when eventually I woke up one morning and felt a little better. The intensity of my grief seemed to drop to a more manageable level. It really was as if it happened over night.
Eight months along and I feel like he would now be proud of me coping alone and starting to put a smile back on my face.
I isolated myself for weeks which seemed to make my grief even worse. But I also think this time alone and isolated is what I needed to go through, just me and my thoughts and reflections. Yep smelling his shirts, hanging his jacket on his chair with his coffee cup at the table. Pretending he was just at work and would be home at 4pm. Keeping my windows and doors locked so no one could see what I was up to inside. Crying uncontrollably and calling his name.
That intensity for me has now passed, although I still carry sadness and loneliness deep inside for him and still often shed tears..
When someone dies you never truly get over it. You just slowly learn to go on without them and keep them tucked safely inside your heart. x

Jun 05, 2012
time heals most things
by: Anonymous

Yes the pain lessens but does not completely go away.
I wish you strength, and acceptance and peace on the other side of this grief . But first you must grieve as much as possible , cry when you feel like it and don't listen to otheres that aren't going thourh it. ihey don't know and have no busoness telling you anything about it.

I too smell my husbands clothes as I just can't put them away yet.
It's been 21 months for me and tho I cry less I will forever miss him and no one or thing will ever fill the void in my life. I try to meet new people but deep down I know they will never measure up to what WE had.

All I can do is tell you to ask your children to grieve with you and let them know it's okay.

For me , My living with the heartbreak of his passing is better than him living with pain and suffering.

Jun 05, 2012
I know what you mean
by: Julie

At 22 days you can't be "strong" for anyone. What do they mean by strong anyway? they just mean don't cry. If you bury your grief you will just prolong it. Those same people should be helping with your children, It takes all your strength to grieve. I can't tell you it will get better. Yesterday it was 8 weeks since my Charlie died - I still feel like you, but worse than I did a month ago. You just need to keep pouring out your grief and coming to sites like this to talk about it. I don't think we will ever get over losing the one we love.

Jun 05, 2012
Living with pain is worse than death
by: by: Doreen England U.K.

You didn't give your name. I was very moved by your story. You are going through the ugly throes of Bereavement and loss. This is one of the stages of grief, and you are not going crazy. (as in feeling you are going mad) You are just crazy with grief. I am going through this now. I don't know how long it will last as it has just started and I am scared of the next stage.
You say you keep busy. Don't be so busy that you mask the grief comeing as you are just postponing this for a later time and it will feel more intense. Take time out to grieve and as bad as it gets you have to GO THROUGH it there is no other way. It is HELL. You also say that people tell you to be strong for your children. If you read any book on grief this is wrong information. You have to get yourself supportive people to help you and also to help the children as your grief is greater and the stage you are at you won't be able to help your children. You need a lot of support. Get this in place first. If you have no one you can count on. Find a pastor or a church or someone who will counsel you till you are able to move out of the place you are in to a healthier and happier place. We get breaks in between our grief otherwise we would not be able to get up or recover. It is a long process and none of us are looking forward to this. It is like nothing I have ever experienced and I wish it could be over quickly but that is not how it works. Know that people care what you are going through and we go through this together.
Peace be with you.

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