Loneliness

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Loneliness

by Colleen
(South Africa)

It is nearly two months since Bruce has died and friends have disappeared. You would think being a widow was contagious, just when you need people the most they leave. My daughter has left to start her second year at university so now I sit here on my own and to quote Britney Spears "My loneliness is killing me".

This road seems to be a long, painful and lonely road. I was told that being a widow can be a very lonely life I did not believe it as I thought my friends would stand by me. So not only do I have to navigate this road alone I will have to try and start a whole new life on my own. (How pathetic am I)

I wish I could get off this road, but it is not to be. I pray that everyone on this site has someone to lean on.

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Loneliness

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missing my husband and being alone.
by: sootysoo

I only lost my beloved husband 4 weeks ago, and my mum the year before, mum was ill with Alzheimer so that was a blessing. My husband had a massive heart attack and was gone in less than half an hour. So sudden I am still in shock and can't believe that he has gone to be with the lord. I also had an operation on my foot last week so am, now housebound. the phone calls have now stopped coming a few people call in to see if I need anything. But the empty feeling in my heart is just to much to bear I loved him so very much. My family all live away so I feel very isolated and alone at this moment in time. How long does this empty feeling last, and tears are close to my eyes all the time. thanks for taking the time to read this.

maybe someday
by: Jen

Hi,
I'm now over two years into this unwanted journey and even now the loneliness is something awful.
I sit each and every evening on my own, make decisions on my own (and hoping i get it right) particularly where our girls are involved.
I'm 40 and very very lonely.

I can honestly say now that i hope to find possibly love and contentment some day as i cannot bear the thought of continuing for what could be a lot of years on my own.

No one could ever replace my wonderful husband but Richard of all people knew that life was for living and we must make the most of each day given to us. They are all so precious.

Jen x

Loneliness
by: Mari

Hi Jules. I understand. I live in a small town and there are no support groups here unless I do not know about them. Church is like a support group because everyone is so encouraging and uplifting.

My fear is the same as others. I don't want to go through what I went through with someone else being sick and then leaving me to to go with the Lord. I know that is kind of ridiculous because it could be me going with the Lord too and someone taking care of me.

But I think the tendency is to harbor fears that are actually unrealistic unless I happened to marry someone much older. But maybe a few years of happiness with someone older might be worth it.
The kids do not come around much anymore. My daughter has a new job and is gone a lot and there is a new baby in their house so everyone is busy.

These are just a few of my thoughts. I just stay close to the Lord and hope for the best. Mari

Loneliness
by: Mari

Judith I am amazed at what you said about your husband being jealous. Mine was too. He thought everyone wanted me and it was ridiculous as I worked full time, took care of all the finances and took care of him. He could always find me. He would not allow me to go to church the last 2 years because he was jealous of the brothers there.

I realized he was worried about being so sick and leaving this world and leaving me but I never did anything. He had been like that before but not to that extent.

But if some Christian person asked me to coffee I would go because it is nice to have someone to talk to. At church I sit and talk to people during social events and enjoy it. I suppose my responsibilities have kept anyone from asking me for coffee.

The loneliness is what remains although I am adjusting. I just hope my husband knew I loved him too much to do anything wrong.

When he passed away I was back in church and have been ever since. Only God knows what he went through knowing he was not going to live long.
But if someone has become a widow I see nothing wrong with dating if someone nice comes along. The Bible says we are free to remarry when our spouse passes. So I would not worry about that. Take care. Mari

It depends...
by: Anonymous

I think the whole question of whether to consider another life partner in the future just depends on your situation.

My mother lost her husband, my Dad, when she was in her 70s. I once talked to her about dating again, etc. She told me she has absolutely no interest in forming a relationship with another man. Just not in her program, although my Dad has been dead now for 8 years.

Anyone newly widowed, within the last year or two, might well be horrified to think of "dishonoring" the memory of their lost love by entering into a new relationship.

But a younger man or woman, after grieving their loss for a year or two, or however long it takes, I would hope for them that they could continue in the land of the living by possibly loving another person again.

Life is for the living, and you are only given one life. To spend decades all alone, mourning a lost partner, would seem a bleak life indeed.

Never say never....

the courage to move on...
by:

Jules,

I just read your post and I have to say that I am so proud of how far you have come. You are getting out there socially throwing yourself into activities. You have always propelled your self ahead even with setbacks of grief and loneliness.

With that being said, the fact that you said you might meet Mr right with optimistic hope would horrify most here.

I however, find it hopeful that there is even the Possibility (down the road) that we may one day Have the ability to love another.

For me there is the fear, even if I Did find another human being where love was remotely possible that they might fall gravely ill. I am more afraid of enduring grief again than finding love. But they are both terribly frightening.

Your are so courageous and I admire you a great deal. It is what I would like to fashion my life after. But at this point I am surviving instead of living. I hope to change that soon.

A life in fear and trepidation is no life at all.
HH

Loneliness
by: Mari

Coleen. I am sorry for all you are going through. It has not been long since Bruce went to be with the Lord. You need time to heal.

You will have to go through the healing process which is different for everyone. You will feel better in time. God will be with you. You will not be alone.

I noticed the same thing about people stopping coming around. I had my house packed full of people and numerous phone calls and visitors on a daily basis. I received cards.

No one comes around now. My husband passed away Nov 22 2009. I noticed that people I come in contact with seem uncomfortable wondering how I am doing at this point and I have to reassure them that my husband is with the Lord and out of pain.

People are often uncomfortable in these situations. That is all I can figure.
You are not pathetic at all. You are grieving.
It may help you feel better to get involved with some volunteer work or church and that may be a great help. Time is also a great healer. We are here whenever you want to talk and we do care for you. Keep posting. God bless you.

RE: Loneliness
by: Pam

I found that if I actually respond to people how I am really feeling that it can open up an opportunity to talk about my husband, who died last November 19th. If I say O.K. then people go on with another subject, but once they see that I want to talk it, seems they let me.

I am fortunate that I work in a church, so the people that I talk to are already very caring people. As far as my friends, I don't talk to them at all except for one or two of them. I am looking for a support group to go to, but I can't seem to find one in my area and don't want to travel too far alone.

I wonder if our talking about our pain makes others uncomfortable or if it makes them think what if it were me...?

Just keep coming back on here, maybe we can get advice from people that have been on this road a little longer than us that can give us advice.
Hang in there!
Pam

loneliness
by: jules

Yes, the loneliness is the worst thing - I am having a very lonely day today - early in the morning at least - meeting my daughter and grandson later, so the day will improve.

But I find the nights are the worst, I live in a pretty small town where nothing much happens, this is near to where my daughter lives, and where we were when John died. I went "home" for Christmas, and was only there about five days when I had the feeling that I needed to come home, so I suppose this is home for me now.

I have good friends back in Melbourne, but they have their own lives to live with their husbands, and families - so even if I was there I would still be alone a lot of the time. At least here the new friends I meet didn't know John, so they only know me as "me" now, they have no expectations.

I have joined the local bowls club, but it is in recess until February, it is quite a social club, lots of activity, with social events, and being a member you get to "volunteer" your services, behind the bar etc., which is a lot of fun, and gets me mixing with a lot of different people. I now find that I can go up the shops, and a lot of people will stop me to have a chat, or have a coffee etc., which is fantastic.

As for meeting "someone else" - who knows what is around the corner - I am open to all possibilities, and who knows, maybe there is another Mr Right for me somewhere -

Anyway, that is me for now, feeling a bit better having written down my feelings of the moment,
one breath, one step
take care
jules

You are not alone, we are here always...
by:

Colleen,

You are not pathetic feeling as you do, you are human. You Loved and Loved deeply when he died part of you died too. We know that feeling. It's as if your other half that made you whole was just stripped from your body and people expect you to return to "Normal" in 3-6 months. Hah! Normal? What is Normal? This feels strange and unwelcome.

This is a new life that you now lead. One I am sure that you don't want. None of us did but there is no other choice.

I am also sorry that you do not have the support from your family that you need. The only ones that will stick with you through good days and bad have also been through grief.

People just bail out. They do not know what to say it scares them. After a few months you will see them just blank out as you confide your grief. I found it is better to lie when asked how are you? I said as well to be expected at first but changed that to o.k.

We are always here always willing to listen to you. Have you joined a grief group or tried counseling? Loneliness has various levels throughout grief. And you will decide when you are ready to attempt to resume your life or what your life has become. My best to you always...
HH

Lonely Indeed
by: Judith

I , too am going through the same thing. I get no phone calls and when I do they always ask "how are you? I feel like saying "awful as hell" but My best response is "trying to do good". It's just sums it up.

I go to lunch alone or out to dinner alone and to the Mall where a few folks say hello.
I feel guilty even thinking for a second that it would be nice to meet someone to date because my husband who died 3 1/2 months ago, was jealous and I wouldn't dare disappoint him. Does anyone else feel this way? I also feel that if I don't grieve everyday he will feel I didn't really love him nor miss him. Is this crazy? I kiss his picture every morning and night and tell him he's still number one and I still love him. Always have always will.

It's a sad and lonely road no doubt.

You will have your good days and then sad days but in time and time only you will do this and find yourself again .

take care my dear.

I totally get it
by: Judy

I completely understand how you feel. My Barry died in 11/09 leaving me alone in FL with no family, no support group and my kids 3000 miles away in CA, my house underwater so I couldn't sell it etc. This was the most completely lonely time I ever had. It's true that people seem to shy away from you as a widow. If you read the other postings here you'll see that seems to be the case for all of us. Others move on with their lives and ours has come to an unexpected standstill.

Please do lean on us. We are some right beside you and some much further down the rocky road of grief but you are never alone here. You have total acceptance and understanding. So come back often and lean on us.
JM

Lean On Us
by: Pat J

Colleen,
I'm pretty much going through the same thing. Friends are supportive to us only as long as it's comfortable for them. They come to the funeral, they say all the right things. The phone calls stopped from my friends about 2 weeks ago. My husband just passed away on December 3, 2010. I quit my job in July 2010 as his illness worsened. Now I have no job, no husband and I sit by myself.

My two children have returned to their jobs and families. They're supportive when they can be but they both have very busy and successful careers. Nobody knows how we suffer but those who have been through and are experiencing the same. I miss my husband so much and the pain is overwhelming most days.

The best thing to do is find a widow or grief support group. I attended my first one last evening ~ there were only 4 other people there, 2 widows and 2 who have lost children. It was very helpful to share feelings with them. Most friends who haven't lost their spouse are not very much support. They feel uncomfortable around us and don't know what to say. They tell us things like, "you really have to move on or he's in a better place." Only we know how it feels.

This is a very supportive web site. There are beautiful people here with huge hearts. It really helps to know others care ~ even though we'll never meet each other we're tied together with our grief. God Bless.

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