by Colleen
(South Africa)

It has been nearly five months since Bruce died. I am so lonely sometimes I do not if I am crying because of grief or sheer loneliness. Weekends are the worst. I went shopping on Saturday by myself and the loneliness nearly drove me insane. All my friends are married so even if we do go out I am still on my own. I was feeling so alone at work today I thought I would give Bruce a call, then it hit that I cant so off I went to my office to have a cry instead. Typing this crying again just for good measure. This new life SUCKS!!!!!! all I want is my old life back.

Bruce I love and miss you so much

Comments for Loneliness

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Apr 13, 2011
I know your lonliness
by: Eunice

The 21st of this month, my beloved husband will have been gone for 5 months. Sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I really haven't gotten much accomplished in the nearly 5 months. There's none of my family that live close to where I do, and I really don't know if I'd do any better if they were around. But like you, I don't know if the crying I do is from missing him or the sheer loneliness or a combination of them both. Sometimes, I feel like I'm taking that 1 step forward, but then I take 2 backward. I still can't get it in my head how to even start some kind of life and where to go or even how to begin one. I got brave one weekend and went to FL, went back to Fernandina Beach, to the same motel where my husband and I had stayed before, then went onto a couple of other places we hadn't been. It just didn't seem natural to be doing something by myself. So, in the end I was in kind of a hurry to get back to the house where I pretty much stay, I've had some to tell me I keep myself isolated too much. Maybe someday, it'll come to me how to rebuild a new life and find peace of mind and heart. In the meantime, all my best to you in finding the same

Apr 11, 2011
by: jules

Colleen - I too feel lonely at times, sometimes when surrounded by people, knowing that I have to walk into places on my own, make my own decisions, take care of myself.

There are times I would like to go out for dinner, but I don't know the friends I have made here well enough to just ring them up out of the blue and ask if they would like to come with me.

My John has been gone almost 17 months, and I think about him every day, even though I have gone on with my life, changed some things, done some things that I never thought I would do on my own. Most of the time now, I don't get the gut wrenching feelings of grief that I had earlier on, but I still have "flat" days. I don't know how long this will last.
remember - every day one step, one breath.
take care

Apr 11, 2011
It Really Does........
by: TrishJ

Suck I mean. It truly sucks. I attend a weekly grief meeting and have gotten to be quite friendly with another widow of 4 months. She said, "OK...I think I've come to terms with my husband's death, I know it was God's will and I accept that. I know he's at peace....but.... (she stammered a bit) then we both blurted out at the same time, "BUT I MISS HIM." That's it. In my heart I know my husband couldn't go on any longer in the condition he was in. He didn't want to leave us. It was God's mercy to end his suffering. But I miss him. I miss his smile, I miss the winks, the I love you, the hand holding (couldn't do much else in his condition but it was enough for me). I miss HIM!!! He had such a wonderful sense of humor. Part of me knows he's with me still but I can't see him. I cant kiss him and rub his back for him. I miss the warmth of another body laying next to me at night. I've almost forgotten what his voice sounded like. I have a message from him on my cell phone and I listen to it once in a while.
We miss our husbands. My mother who has dementia remembered that today my dad has been gone for 17 years. Through her dementia she remembered. I guess it never really goes away ~ we just learn to live with it. We're still in the learning stages. God bless us as we continue to learn. Peace.

Apr 11, 2011
Re: Lonliness
by: Anonymous

Weekends are always the most difficult for me, too. So are the evenings upon coming home from work. I no longer have anyone to share with about how my day went, or to care about how his day went. Loneliness is the most difficult part of grief, after accepting all the other "uncontrollables". I am six months into being alone, without my best friend, my husband of 29 years, and for me, a lot of things are getting better, but I really have to have a plan. I plan my weekends so that there is always something to keep me from spending too much time alone dwelling on what no longer exists. On weeknights, I used to not want to come home. I have now begun to learn to work a routine for those nights so that it isn't so hard anymore.

I have learned that our friends aren't really ready yet to accept me by myself - I understand that it is difficult for them, too. I really try hard to "get" that. So I have begun to make new friends. Writing and journaling have helped me immensely, because calling somebody, or talking to somebody, only burdens them and then I feel badly for that. That's why I'm here. It's a safe place to cry, to be real, to feel whatever it is we feel, and to share that reality with one another. Remember that your tears can be the most expressive words you can ever speak.

Apr 11, 2011
by: zoe

You are still very early in your journey through grief. I know it feels like a lifetime, but at your stage I had not even considered going out. One day you will go to the store and run errands, and on the way home realize that you did not have the searing pain that you normally feel. That is part of the adjustment to this new life.

I will tell you at a year, doing things alone is not bad for me. I am not ready to be the widow in the group when people go out, but I am ok going on my own, I find.. comfort in it. Being able to do the mundane is part of getting back to some level of living.

Know you are not alone, we are here, always

one breath, one step, one day at a time.

Apr 11, 2011
I feel your pain
by: Anonymous

It has been a full year and half that I lost my husband of two years. I hate the fact that people tell you that life goes on. I miss him everyday, I think the nights are the worse for me. It seems when he died so did I, none of my friends call me anymore or want to do anything.

Apr 11, 2011
I know...I really do too


Hold on just a bit longer I know that it seems impossible to get through the day some times. You are the baby of grief you have a way to travel, but do not look at the road ahead look at the right now to get through the day. Cry if you want, yell at the broom that fell over, eat off paper plates. Do whatever it takes to get through the day and know, please know that I have gone the road before you. Grief, loneliness and anger all seem to merge making us impatient, bitter and so damn alone. Any movement at all is still movement towards the road to recovery. I will not simplify it saying time.... Just know that eventually you will find your own way and I can not get you there faster or easier. If I could I would it is as always one step one breath...

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