Lonely and lost
I lost my husband 2 months ago. In the evening he was perfectly fine. I went to bed a little bit earlier, he joined a couple of hours later. We made love and then both fell asleep. I woke up, when he went to toilet. Then came back and laid down, then up again sighed and again to toilet. I asked, if he was ok. He did not answer. Then again laid down for a moment and left the bedroom. I heard how he collapsed with a sigh. Ran there and saw him lying there helplessly, gasping... And this terror in his eyes! I cannot erase that image from my head. His condition reminded me this awful nightmare where you cannot move, talk nor breathe. I started cpr and called ambulance, but nothing helped. I think that he actually died, when I was grabbing my phone, although the gasping continued for a while.
So here I am 37 and trying to accept that I am a widow and that I have to bring up our 4 children all by myself. The youngest is only 1 yrs and sadly he will not have an actual memory of his father. I am so sad and lost, he was my best friend. We'd been together 16 years. My children keep me going, but at the same time I feel as a horrible mother. Too often angry and yelling. I know this is wrong, but I cannot help myself. So I cannot imagine how can I raise my children normal grownups. How can 3 boys grow without father as their role model? How can I be normal and sane mother? I miss him so much, I miss our conversations, our inside jokes, watching movies together (we were big enthusiasts, now I have nobody, who is up to movie-talks, who knows actors and all these OUR movies). I miss our motorcycle tours, our family vacations. He was my rock, I could always lean on him. Now I have to be the rock for my children, but I am so bad at this. People are telling me that I am so brave, but I do not feel brave. I feel weak and lonely. We had so many plans for future, all the things we could do, when children are a little bigger. And BANG! It's all just gone.
I blame myself that it is my fault. That maybe if I had done cpr better... Or it happened, because I was too happy. Just 2 days before it happened I felt truly happy. During winter I was a little bit tired (all the 4 children and lack of sleep and lack of time for longer conversations with my husband), but then we went to a small vacation and had some together-time and could just talk. Then everything was fine again and I felt lucky - I have everything: loving husband, wonderful children, nice house, possibility to travel. So it feels like I am not allowed to be happy, or at least I must not acknowledge that I am happy. And now I am done with being happy, there is nothing bright in the future for me...