Lonely and lost

by Amanita

I lost my husband 2 months ago. In the evening he was perfectly fine. I went to bed a little bit earlier, he joined a couple of hours later. We made love and then both fell asleep. I woke up, when he went to toilet. Then came back and laid down, then up again sighed and again to toilet. I asked, if he was ok. He did not answer. Then again laid down for a moment and left the bedroom. I heard how he collapsed with a sigh. Ran there and saw him lying there helplessly, gasping... And this terror in his eyes! I cannot erase that image from my head. His condition reminded me this awful nightmare where you cannot move, talk nor breathe. I started cpr and called ambulance, but nothing helped. I think that he actually died, when I was grabbing my phone, although the gasping continued for a while.

So here I am 37 and trying to accept that I am a widow and that I have to bring up our 4 children all by myself. The youngest is only 1 yrs and sadly he will not have an actual memory of his father. I am so sad and lost, he was my best friend. We'd been together 16 years. My children keep me going, but at the same time I feel as a horrible mother. Too often angry and yelling. I know this is wrong, but I cannot help myself. So I cannot imagine how can I raise my children normal grownups. How can 3 boys grow without father as their role model? How can I be normal and sane mother? I miss him so much, I miss our conversations, our inside jokes, watching movies together (we were big enthusiasts, now I have nobody, who is up to movie-talks, who knows actors and all these OUR movies). I miss our motorcycle tours, our family vacations. He was my rock, I could always lean on him. Now I have to be the rock for my children, but I am so bad at this. People are telling me that I am so brave, but I do not feel brave. I feel weak and lonely. We had so many plans for future, all the things we could do, when children are a little bigger. And BANG! It's all just gone.

I blame myself that it is my fault. That maybe if I had done cpr better... Or it happened, because I was too happy. Just 2 days before it happened I felt truly happy. During winter I was a little bit tired (all the 4 children and lack of sleep and lack of time for longer conversations with my husband), but then we went to a small vacation and had some together-time and could just talk. Then everything was fine again and I felt lucky - I have everything: loving husband, wonderful children, nice house, possibility to travel. So it feels like I am not allowed to be happy, or at least I must not acknowledge that I am happy. And now I am done with being happy, there is nothing bright in the future for me...

Comments for Lonely and lost

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Oct 11, 2014
Friends Can Help If You Will Let Them
by: Ken Michigan


I am sorry to hear of your loss.

Like several other I also lost my spouse. Diane and I were together for 22 very happy years. Diane and I were very close in a short amount of time. After our first year together many people thought that we had been sweet hearts since high school. Friends and family would ask us if it was love at first sight. Diane would always answer no, it took about four days. We started dating the first week that we met. After three weeks she stopped by my apartment to borrow an iron for ironing clothes. She stayed for 10 days. Then she went home for a day to pick-up some things. I was convinced that I would never see her again. But, she came back and stayed for 22 years! 11 months after we met we had a beautiful marriage in an old Methodist church with lots of stained glass. We were never lucky enough to have children. I had problems with my family and she had problems with her family so we became each other's family. We reminded each other frequently that we always had each other. When we were alone she frequently put her arm around me and called me "Mine".

I understand your shock and grief from loosing your husband in such a short time. Nineteen months ago I watched Diane suddenly pass at home from a bilateral pulmonary embolism. Her Doctor misdiagnosed a blood clot as gout. I didn't want to leaver her alone. But she insisted that I go to the grocery store for a few things.

I was gone from the house about 45 minutes. When I returned home she had bulging eyes and she could not breath. This was the scariest thing that I had ever seen in my life. I had EMS in the house within 6 minutes of when I had returned. But, I watched her pass 45 seconds before they got here. Within 8 minutes from when I came home there were 8 people in my living room working on her, but they could not bring her back. I hope that some day I can quit reliving this.

It has got better. But I still think of her 80% of the time that I am awake. I don't know if I will ever marry again.

The church and friends help me get through the tough times. I grew up in the church but had drifted away over time. Since I have returned to church it helps me get through the day. I also have four friends who I have known for over half of my life that I can call weekly and talk about any thing. I hope that there is someone that you can talk too.

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Jul 20, 2014
by: Rakel

How I wish I can meet you all of you personally and hug all of you .

I have my husband for 17 years just this July 01 , 2014

It was so HARD... :(

I cant talk , i dont know what to say , I feel guilty , how I wish time flies 10 years past . I wish I could turn back time .

So empty inside...

May 13, 2014
Lonely and Lost
by: Anonymous-----MI

Dear Amanita-----along with all the others on this site I too am very sorry for the loss of your beloved husband. I am a widow of 18 months and in some ways it feels like my husband has been gone for years and other times it seems he left me just yesterday. We were married for 43 amazing years. My dear husband died of Sudden Cardiac Arrest--the sudden brutal loss of the one and only love of my life has changed my life forever. Like the other good people who post on this site, we are all walking on a different and sad road now. The loss of a loved one causes us to die a little also. You have a lot of responsibility to raise your wonderful children and see to their needs. The only way I can face another day is to look to God to lead me and guide me; I cannot walk this road without the Lord leading me. We all feel lost when we loose our loved ones; I often felt like I was floating in the ocean with nothing to hold on to but all along God was holding me and helping me. I was angry with God when my husband first died and I questioned why a good Christian man who spent his life helping others and giving of his time and talents would be taken from me while others who are filthy and vile still walk about doing evil things. But, as my dear husband used to say,' some things we are not to know' I pray that you will look to God for His help in this very difficult time; I hope you will trust Him and keep your faith strong even when you do not see any light in your day----it will come gradually. We begin to count all that we have and try to be thankful for God's blessings. Remember there are many good people on this site praying for you and your children. God Bless You.

May 13, 2014
Deepest sympathy
by: lawrence


I wept in sheer anguish reading your contribution.
How terribly unfair to lose a beloved husband at such a young age.
There are no words of comfort anyone can give, and my only advice is to Cry and Cry and let your body and spirit absorb this overwhelming tragedy that has happened to you and your children.
Please DON’T blame yourself; there was absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent him dying, there are some things in life we have no control over, it’s called FATE.
I lost a very precious wife in exactly the same circumstances, one minute we were talking the next she was on the floor dying, and like you I was bereft at being left to face the rest of my life alone and felt bewildered, angry and totally lost.
At her funeral I wanted to lay down beside her, as we had done everything together for nearly seventy years, I had cherished and protected her; even in bed I always put my arm over her so she would know I was looking after her, but she died alone, as I guess we all do sooner or later.
It’s now seventeen months since I lost her but the heartache and sadness remains although the tears don’t fall now so quickly.
I am a musician and I serenade her every evening, hoping she can hear me and I can see her gentle smile if she can.
I know it’s hard to believe at present but you will get through this nightmare, as unfortunately we all have to.
Get help wherever you can, counselling,church,family,doctor but don’t suffer it all alone.
Everybody on this web site is grieving with you and praying for you.
With deepest sympathy

May 13, 2014
Lonely and lost
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Amanita,
You are where many of us were in the beginning. Your life has changed forever. Your husband was way too young; yet none of us know when our loving God will call us home to be with him.
Your children are a gift of God, a part of you and your husband. you will see him in them. You are the one to carry on now; it's a scarey task, but you will do it. Take it one day at a time. Cry as much and as often as you feel the need. Don't hide those tears. Tears are healing. Talk about your husband with your children. You can always keep his memory alive. It's very sad your baby will never get to know it's dad, but you can tell all your children things about their dad. They will all know their dad through you.
My husband died June 27,2011, the day after our 46th wedding anniversary, from a massive heart attack. My 5 children are all adults now, but I have 8 grandchildren and I talk to them about their Papa. One of my grandsons asked me; why did papa have to die? I didn't have an answer. He asked me the other day if I think about Papa alot. I said, everyday. He said, so do I.
Everything is going to seem so overwhelming. I hope you have a good support system; don't be afraid to ask for help, if it isn't offered. My heart and love goes out to you. Take it one day at a time and try to be good to yourself. Your children have needs, but so do you.
When our husband or wife dies, a part of us dies too. Our life is forever changed. we do go on; yet at times we feel we can't, but we do

May 13, 2014
Lonely and lost
by: Canada

Amanita, I am so very sorry for your loss. No one deserves this sort of tragic loss in their life. These are unfortunately human conditions/situations that strike when, where and who on a random basis. I lost my wife of 26 years 3 months ago to cancer. She was a non-smoker, non-drinker who ate healthy and exercised. Nevertheless, she was struck by cancer. She suffered a terrible painful death and I held her in my arms as she took her last breath. I watched her die and I don't think that I will ever forget that image. I feel very lost and alone. I get the impression from reading your post that you are not a bad person and you are not a bad mother. You are grieving and even though the time has been short for me also (3 months) I recognize and can relate to all the feelings you have described. My kids are young adults and do not live in our home but they are not far away. I am so grateful for them. We see each other almost every day and we are a support to one another. That is not the same situation as you have with 4 youngsters in the home that need you now more than ever. I started to attend a Grief Recovery support group 2 months ago and that has been a huge help for me. If you have not attended such a group, I would suggest you find one and attend if at all possible. There are two widows with children in the group that I attend and they have found help and support from the group. Lean on your family, your friends and a support group if you attend one. I still feel lonely and lost but I know that I will get through this. I am still angry with God but I lean on Him anyway and pray for strength to move on. I will pray the same for you.

May 13, 2014
Lonely and lost
by: Doreen UK

Amanita I am sorry for your loss of your husband to a sudden death at such a young age.
It is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. You are not a horrible mother. Just a very frightened, broken mother/wife having to re-adjust her life without her husband. You have 4 children all dependent on you. Try and get family support now so that you can grieve and still care for your children. Get your children the support if they need it now having lost their father.
You are in a very frightening place right now with all the immense responsibilities falling on your shoulders which becomes aware now. Don't focus on this right now. TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. Put in place all the strategies you need for support for you all. Don't face this grief alone. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 2 years ago to a deadly cancer. I feel your sorrow and know how difficult a grief journey this is. Take time to grieve. Having the children to care for will be an immense comfort to you just now. You have an immense part of your husband left in the children and this will be your comfort. You will struggle now but with good support you will find a way forward. Life is as you say LONELY and LOST. This feeling may last a long time, but taking one day at a time is the best way forward.
Only now after 2yrs. do I feel the emptiness more and what life is going to be like without a husband and this companionship. You will face many challenges, but the way you feel now happens in the early days of loss. It doesn't last forever as one feels in the early days. May God come close to you at this difficult time and give you His Comfort and Peace.

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