Lonely Daughter

by Jodie
(Lake Jackson, Texas)

My mom was taken away from me too soon on June 1, 2012. She was only 50 and I'm only 25. Mom fought a long 7 year battle with metastatic breast cancer. She is without a doubt, the strongest person I know. Towards the end, she kept getting put on different research trials, that I believe were more for the benefit of the trial and less of a benefit for my mom. She progressed through them all and yet, even me being and oncology nurse for 3 years, I stayed in denial most of the time.
My mom was without a doubt my best friend. I told her everything. I laughed with her, I cried with her, I gossiped with her, we watched shows together and when we couldn't watch the shows side by side, we would text through out the show talking about it. She stood by my side through everything in life. She wanted what was best for me no matter what. I could call my mom or show up at her house, and without me barely getting a few words out, she knew if I had a bad day, even if I was trying to hide it. She knew me and accepted me 100% no matter what flaws I may have. My husband and my 2 year old daughter love me, I know that for sure, as they are what keeps me going day to day... but it is not like the love and acceptance of your mom. I feel so unbelievably lost. I pray that she would just come see me. I know that cant happen, but I cant stop asking God to let her come visit me. I still have some moments when I am back in denial, and then I will hear a song her and I used to sing together or just one that makes me think of her, or see something on tv or even just thinking about the future makes the grief come back in massive waves. I constantly feel on the verge of a panic attack, never quite getting there... but at the stage right before you go into a full blown panic attack. I'm back at work, and that helps most days. People ask how Im doing, and I just reply ok... mainly because, I know most people ask just out of politeness, not really wanting to hear to sad parts.
I miss my mom more and more each day. Even though Ive had these past 7 years to prepare myself, nothing can prepare you. I just wish she would come back and let me hold her hand one more time and tell her I love her one more time.

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Jun 29, 2012
Lonely Daughter
by: Doreen U.K.

Jodie I am sorry for the loss of your Mom. I can identify with you. It doesn't matter how long a person is fighting the battle of cancer or another illness. You are not prepared for a death. You just don't go there. You try to be strong for the loved one fighting the battle. And it isn't just your mother's battle with cancer. It is your battle. It is a family cancer. I can understand you being in denial. We as a family were in denial. My Brother-in-law was trying to make me face reality but I couldn't. I was numb. My body was not engaged with my mind for me to feel what was being said to me. In your case your mother could have been in remission. My husband's cancer was caused by working with Asbestos and his cancer was inoperable, incurable, aggressive. I was his caregiver for 3yrs.39days. I saw him draw his last breath. He was gone. I couldn't believe it. I was stunned. I was angry with God. How could you let this happen. I have been watching American TV watching Healings. Steve had a couple of healings in the past. But not this time. Why! Just one more time to say the things you couldn't say. Just one more time to touch his body and massage those feet. Massage that back where the cancer had spread. One more time to look into his sad eyes. I wasn't prepared for death. So for me it was like a sudden death. Even when the nurse came in to look on Steve she said to me. Doreen I think your husband is dying. I wanted to tell her to shut up. How dare you say that. I don't believe you. You wait and see he will have a miracle and recover. But it didn't happen. Steve died that week. I was devastated. You never get over it. It is only one day at time that we learn to live a different way. I hope that life in the days ahead will not leave you so sorrowfull. That you will know that everyone on this website is here to support you in your grief as we all go through this together. I wish you Peace and Love in your life to carry you through your sorrow. Best wishes.

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