Long Distance Loss
He is the love of my life!
My ex and I got together when I was 16 when he was traveling in the Uk, he was my first love, my everything, I moved to Australia for him but came home after a year as it was all too much for me being so far away from my family - I live in the UK. We had an amazing 3.5 year relationship and were very in love. He came back to the Uk to be with me 6 months after I left Australia to come home, and I didn't feel the same about him - ultimately we were young and I wanted to know what else was out there so I broke it off with him, he was heartbroken obviously.
I still loved him and I knew I always would, things just felt differently. WE were apart for 4 years in which time I had another 3 year relationship and then a few one nights stands after that relationship ended. He had had a few casual relationships but nothing serious.
I decided to go back to Australia and visit some friends after 4 years and knew I wanted to see him too. I saw him soon after I landed for coffee and the first hour was dreadful, he couldn't look at me or even hold a proper conversation and I felt awful I knew I had done this to him, I had been the one to break his heart and I was so sorry for that. We went out for long walks, dinners etc and we both quickly realised that we both still loved each other and decided to give things another go. After 3 wonderful weeks together I had to return home to continue working and he promised that he would come over later that year to see me and we would go from there. We spoke evry day, messaged and Skyped when we could too - I loved this man so much!
He came to visit in the November as promised, we had a wonderful time, visiting the Christmas Markets in Prague, rugby games in Bath and eating and drinking to our hearts content (we are both real foodies)!He spent christmas with my family and we went to watch football and shop in London too. He had a bit of a wobble when he was over about money and my bad history with it - I also suffer from depression and have since my dad walked out on me and my sister 10 years ago, he also worried about that and about me moving back to Australia and missing my family. We talked and I re-assured him that I was fine and that I had my medication under control and was in a much better place than I had been, he seemed excited and positive about our future.
He flew home just before New Years as he had to get back to work, it was the most gut wrenching goodbye I have ever had to face not knowing when I would see him again.
We talked every day - sometimes even twice a day, the time difference was hard but as he worked late nights in a Bar and I worked early mornings in a Hotel our schedules fitted together quite nicely. We were so in love, we had talked about getting married and me moving over and buying a house together the whole package, he had even asked me about rings etc and I couldn't wait to start the rest of my life with him and I felt so blessed to have found my way back to him again. I booked a flight to see him for later in that year in the September - and I counted down the days.
In the middle of the summer he seemed to go a bit distant but he was opening a second bar and was so busy I just left him to it and we spoke when we could. He still made the effort to speak to me but our spark seemed to have gone - I figured this was because we had been apart for 6 months and the distance was getting to us both. He still talked about me moving and was looking forward to seeing me in September.
On August the 3rd I called him in the morning before I went to work quickly to see if he was ok, he seemed very quiet and withdrawn and he said to me 'I have written all my feelings down because I have been so confused and you know how hard i find it to talk about this stuff' I said ok send it to me! He said he didn't want to but that he would. At 10.00am that morning i received the email below from him:
This could be the hardest letter I ever write. I’m not good at expressing my feelings, let alone writing them down, but you deserve to know how I’m feeling.
My heart aches so much. I’m lost, confused and emotionally drained. I’ve been trying for so long to convince myself that what we are doing is right and what I want, as much as you want it. The truth is I don’t see it working how we dreamed. The last two years have been such a difficult time, not just for me but for us both. When you came over the year before last, you had a guy who obviously was good for you and seeing you for the first time in three years was an emotional experience like I’d never had before. It’s my fault that that relationship ended, however I never thought that those few weeks would go like they did and I don’t regret anything that happened.
Coming to see you in December was also such a good time, and again, I wouldn’t have changed anything about it. My concerns were obviously there then, and maybe if I was stronger I would have stuck with my decision to leave our relationship there, but I couldn’t. Seeing you upset is the worst feeling imaginable and that is because of how I have always felt about you. Even now I’m shaking trying to type.
Then there is the marriage/ perspective marriage situation. You know my fear of commitment and thoughts on marriage. I don’t think I can give you the commitment that you deserve. I’m not sure if I want to get married… ever, let alone within a few months of you moving here. It wouldn’t be fair on you financially on the chance that it might or might not happen. You deserve an amazing wedding.
I am still worried that you will miss your family too much if you lived here. I know how much you need your family around you, despite what even you might think. I don’t think that I can provide the necessary love and support to make up for them not being close by. You are a home bird, and your home is there not here.
All of this stuff aside, I guess it comes down to this: You once told me that you loved me, but weren’t in love with me and I fear that that is how I feel now. I will love you forever but I don’t feel like that love is enough for you and I honestly believe you deserve much more than that. It makes me feel sick to my stomach knowing how you will feel reading this. You have put so much time and effort into making this work and I feel like I’m letting you down every time we speak because I know my heart isn’t in it like yours is. I’m so, so sorry, but I need to be honest with you because it is tearing me up inside. I don’t believe that it’s fair on either of us to continue torturing ourselves in the pursuit of being together because in my heart I am not as committed as you are. You always tell me to be selfish in these situations; so I guess what I’m trying to say is that I can’t see you for a few weeks and then say goodbye for another extended period of time. It feels like it is getting harder and harder, even though it’s getting closer and closer. I wish I could dream as big as you.
Believe me I’m crying my eyes out as I write this.
I love you. You will always be in my heart.
I hope one day you can forgive me."
Well as you can expect I was completely heart broken a month before I was due to see him and he drops this bomb shell. I tried to fight for us and let him know that commitment is scary and I was scared about moving too but I loved him too much not to at least try.
I was still prepared to go and see him I had a plane ticket after all, but he refused to see me, so I got dumped after 5.5 years together via email with 10,500 miles separating us and a refusal to see me. Afterwards I found out that a trip we had booked to Sydney he took the new girl he was seeing on and posted pictures all over FB - I hate FB so much, he was promptly blocked so I didn't have to see another thing to do with him or his life.
I feel like ending things with me was because it was too complicated and too much for him to handle, the convenience of being with a girl he works with and lives close to was just easy for him - no complications.
I know that I will always love him and that there will always be chamistry between us but maybe we were just not meant to be with each other - the timing is never right! I cant eat, I cant sleep all I want is him but he doesn't want me! :-(