Looking for Faith and Hope

by Carol , Seans mom
(Bellingham, mass)

Three months ago I lost my son Sean. He was 24 and just did not wake up for work. Our living nightmare began. He is gone now. How does this happen? We had plans that day. We were suppose to be somewhere. We had plans going into the next week. We had plans for Christmas,we had already talked about all this stuff. We had plans for his 25th birthday April 6th. Why would I think this stuff would never happen? Because I believed it would just happen. Now I am confused about what to believe in. I am scared to think things will be ok because clearly that didnt work for me. I was always a mom who believed everything would work out. I really dont know what to think anymore. I want to have hope and faith. I want to be the mom I use to be for my girls. I definitely struggle each day knowing I can not see Sean and do the things I wanted to. I cant believe it most of the time. I loved him so much. The pain has been unbearable. I have gone from outgoing to quiet. I have gone from helping people out to just wanting to help me and a few close family members. Sean's death has changed my life and who I am. I hope I can find some faith soon. If anybody has seen hope and faith,let them know I am looking for them.

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Looking for Faith and Hope

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Mar 01, 2012
 Dear Friend,
by: Anonymous

I lost my 20 year old son 2 months ago. He also never woke up from his sleep. We are so lonely without him even though we have other children at home. I feel guilty because it seems that I love him now more than anybody, including his siblings. Why does this happen? Why don't we get a chance to save them? Why don't we know when they are taking their last breaths? Why can't we say some last words to them? Why so young? Why others get another chance? Was this God's plan? Why couldn't a miracle save him? I pray and pray and search for answers, search for peace, for God, for my son. I am so afraid. How to protect my other children? I see him in photographs, in flashes of memory. So strong. How could he be just ashes now? I get phone calls and have to explain that he passed away. I answer calmly, or so it seems, but I feel like I should explode from emotion. In certain parts of my mind I know that he is dead, while other parts tell me this could not be. In my heart is just this tearing pain. I don't get much attention from friends anymore and I am actually glad about that. I do not want to see anybody: the gestures just make it so unbearably real. I lost interested in most things so the conversations feel like I am attending to the task at hand while the mind is preoccupied with the one missing. I am scared of every phone call and I get startled by the ringing. I changed the ringtones and volumes but it did not help. I need to believe in goodness of the One Merciful God but my faith fails me. I am in torment like You, my friend in sorrow. May you find your peace. May you keep hope that future is better than present. May God Bless You.
Feb 16, 2012
 Your loss
by: Sharon

Your story caught my attention because my oldest son in 24 also & I can not imagine what you are going through. I have experienced many tragedies yet I still have my children. I wanted to let you know that as a mom I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please allow yourself to mourn, a chance to heal & I will be praying that you find the strength & endurance you need to continue through your daily life & to encourage & be strong or at least be available for your daughters.
Prays going up for you & your family
Sharon
Feb 16, 2012
 my son Brendon
by: Vicky

hi Carol, my son Brendon died on the 4th of Dec aswell, I believe that they are at peace, what sort of peace I dont know, all I know is that Brendon never has to feel the unbearable pain ever of losing anyone now, he doesn't have to get up for work each day, he has no more worries, but we are left with this real feeling of loneliness that will not go away, it will with time ease off but we will always miss them. We have to try and make a new normal for our families and try and live again, I know my son would always say "why save your money you may not be here tomorrow" that turned out to be true for him, until his death he always lived his life to the fullest, travel, had his motor bike which he loved and was killed on, he was doing what he loved. Have faith that one day when it is your turn to pass your son Sean will be there waiting for you, he will come and get you. Keep going until the one day at a time.
Feb 16, 2012
 Do the best you can
by: Cindy

Carol, I have read your story when you first lost Sean and then again today. I too lost my son last year. No warning, just gone from us forever. I know how you feel, I feel it everyday and it really is not getting any easier. We just need to learn how to survive and do the best we can to get through each day. We will never be the same person, but that doesn't mean we can't try to be here for our family and friends. It will take time for you to feel some peace. I have found that I also want to be by myself ,walking my dog or just with my husband. I have one older son, but he lives out of the country at this time, we talk a lot on the phone and it helps. Your family needs to understand the unbearable pain we moms go through when we lose a child, you need to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Do not over due, try to keep a bit busy, but not too busy. You need time to feel the pain and process the pain. If we push it down it will get us someday in other ways. I have a few friends who lost children several years ago and they tell me that I will find joy and happiness again but, they also tell me that we will never get over the loss. One of my friends who lost her daughter 22 years ago told me that she still has days where the loss drops her to her knees. As hard as it is we need to feel blessed that we had our sons, that we were picked to me their mommas. They are watching over us and want us to try to be strong and live our lives to the best of our ability while we are here. I tell my son that I will see him when I cross over and we will have a blast together and never be parted again. Take care of your self. Just get through one moment at a time.
Feb 16, 2012
 You must hold on
by: SoSadDad

I'm so sorry, Carol, for the loss of Sean. First, let me say that I speak from experience, losing Mel on 9/20/2009 and Jenn on 7/16/2011. Let me also say that I'm not alright now, and never will be. They were our only children, both adults and both troubled by bad choices and monsters. And before I forget, as I often do, please visit www.compassionatefriends.org for some very good information. Don't be too concerned about what you are like now, or how you are behaving. Our world is totally different. We don't even know for sure if the sun will rise tomorrow. And we certainly can't understand why the world has gone on since that awful day. People smile and laugh and plan their parties, but we won't have one. People will want to have you back "the way you were" in no time, but that's not going to happen. People will say things to you that seem so insensitive: he's in a better place; God wanted him more than you; give it some time, you'll get over it (you won't); at least you have your other children. That last one doesn't sound so insensitive to me anymore. But they are not mean and uncaring. They just don't know how you feel and don't know what to say. And you pray that they never do. I'm a father, and it's said that men grieve differently. Yet I cry nearly every day, I can't concentrate on my work, I want someone to ask me about my girls, but they won't. I miss them so much and just want one more hug! But it will NEVER happen this side of Heaven. Carol, Brenda and I are grieving so hard, but we are not giving up. We're taking life as it is given, and trying to survive until the intense grief lessens somewhat. Our girls did not want to die, and they would not want us to give up. Time won't heal us, but in time we'll learn better ways to cope with this pain. Perhaps one way is to spread the word about Compassionate Friends, or to provide just a little support to others grieving just like us. Take your time, Carol. Cry, scream, hide, go crazy (at least you'll think you are), whatever is your inclination. But I strongly urge you to seek a local Compassionate Friends chapter. Ir seems strange to think you'll find comfort among others suffering just like you, because you wish there were no others suffering like you. But there's a kinship of understanding a hurt that can only be understood by experiencing it. You're an outsider now to most everyone else. But to me, you're a kindred spirit, and you need to know you're loved and understood. Our children will never return from that fateful day, but we can keep their memories alive by learning to live again.

God bless you!
Feb 16, 2012
 Sean
by: Catherine K

Dear Carol:
I am one of the only people who knows what you are going through. I lost my daughter Stephanie in November and every day I wake up with this terrible anxiety ( I almost took myself to the ER today as I felt like I couldn't breathe. Then I decided to go on this site and try to connect with someone feeling the same way.I don't talk much and don't want to go out any more.
I can tell you that the pain does lessen in time. I know that also since I lost my dear son Stephen in 1997 and lay on my bed for three months thinking I could never smile again.
Well, one day you will be able to get up and think "ok" I can do something today and it will be alright. Slowly but surely...
It is something we have to go through and I had my two girls back then and had to go on for them.
Now I only have one and she lives in NJ and I am in Florida.I am waiting for her to come down.
Just have faith and know that your Sean is close by in spirit. He loves you and life will get easier.
Many people are praying for you and feel so sorry this awful thing happened.
Life is not fair but we have to go on for those who love us. It will get better as time goes by and you will be able to think about the wonderful times you had with Sean.
God bless, Love, Catherine
Feb 16, 2012
 It'n Not Easy.........
by: TrishJ

Carol~
I'm so sorry for your devastating loss. Having never lost a child I can't pretend to know the pain you are experiencing. I hope it helps to know that other people care.
You are still so new on this grief ride. Your life will never be the same again. It's a fact we have to face. We struggle so to fit into this new world. The comfortable happy life we new is gone forever. Our life is now filled with grief. I foolishly thought that the one year anniversary of my husband's death would bring some much needed relief. Boy was I wrong.
You need to be a little bit selfish right now. It's almost like you are recovering from major surgery. You have to just take it in little bits, one day, one step at a time.
I doubted my faith so badly after Joe died. How do I know he's in a better place? I didn't want to feel that way....but I did and had to face it. It's not easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Don't worry if you have set backs right when you begin to feel that things are getting better. Or if you feel that things will never get better. Things will get better. We will live with this grief for the rest of our lives and we just have to learn to deal with it.
I pray for you. Losing your child has to be so difficult. He will always love you. You will always be his mother.
We care Carol. God bless.

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