Loosing a loved one!

by Tom
(London, Ontario, Canada)

It has been 9 months now and the pain has only switched to another level, and has not lessened! sleeping has become a little easier although I still have nightmares and wake up a few times during the night! I haven't taken any anti-depressants, cause I have already experienced going through 10 different kinds in a row once in my life before and I know how that can affect your life! I take sleeping medication although the doses have been getting higher and higher and it almost feels like I am abusing the pills just so that it would get easier to fall asleep! It feels like almost a tunnel that I have been most of the year! almost like a bad dream! I had been called while I had been working in another town that my mom had taken her own life! Writing it even feels like a dream due to the fact that I havent reached any logical level of acceptance of this dream! I had been with my mom my whole life other than 2 months of my life when I had left for vacation while I was younger! I had moved out of my house at the age of 28 years for the first time ever to a large city! and now the agony and despair of that decision has reached a level that is beyond anything that I have ever felt in my life! When I had received the call I moved back to my own town where my life has lived the majority of life! I stayed at the house where it had taken place for a month or two, with a narcissistic, dead beat, discriminating piece of trash of a step father who only blamed my mom for it and never taken any responsibility after it had taken place! and a spoiled selfish step brother who believe that he deserves the best son of the life award! after a few months I had moved out on my own, and I have cried literally every single day! I had been attending a suicide aid group once a month and talking to a thanologist (grief counselor) once a week! and I do not think that it has aided a lot! A lot of my family also blamed my mom for a lot of things and continue on saying negative things about her after she had done this to herself! I do not talk to the step father who had also robbed me of the insurance money and had only caused destruction and chaos in the family or the step brother due to the fact that I do not need fake people like that in my life! I talk to other family members although like I said they talk negative things! I am thinking about letting go from all of the family completely! Although my aunt has two little girls who I have gotten close with after this has happened almost like if they have been providing a level of love that I have needed and lacked in my life! But the negative comments about my mom continue and ultimately it is the main thing in my life! I have gotten to a point where I do not even have enough in me to cry any longer and a lot of the days that I wake up I feel like I do know what I am doing in this life! A lot of the time I keep to myself and do not want to be around to many people at once and I dont think it will ever get any easier just another level of pain, and this is a pain that will not go away like a broken bone or a bruise, it is something that you carry on for the rest of a life!

Comments for Loosing a loved one!

Click here to add your own comments

Apr 04, 2013
Thank you
by: Tom

Thank you

Apr 02, 2013
Losing a loved one!
by: Doreen U.K.

Tom I am sorry for your loss of your mom to suicide. This is so sad that she ended her life that has left you so very broken. The type of death affects the grief which is why it is so important to get the right counsellor. If you feel that you are not progressing with this counsellor, then change. You can be helped a lot to help you move forward. Especially with coming from a negative background would be helpful for you to grieve all those losses in your life that has left you feeling so miserable and wanting to break away. You have made the right decision. Too much negative people around you will drag you down. You need to have a positive mental attitude in order to progress and move forward.
I know how you feel. I grew up in a negative environment. That is all I knew. I bought self help books and did so much reading. I could only go so far with these books. Then it was time for 1:1 Counselling. I have never looked back. Doing this was the best thing I ever did for myself. I got my life back in ways you wouldn't believe. Please do this for yourself. You will find life easier. You need to establish healthy boundaries which means keeping negative people at a distance. Don't isolate yourself from people unless you want this. You could go on to develop meaningful relationships that will help you to Love and be loved. Don't limit yourself. I am sorry for your loss of your mom and I hope that you can eventually find your way back into life that will help you move forward and find the happiness you deserve. Best wishes.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Moms.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!