Loosing a loved one!
(London, Ontario, Canada)
It has been 9 months now and the pain has only switched to another level, and has not lessened! sleeping has become a little easier although I still have nightmares and wake up a few times during the night! I haven't taken any anti-depressants, cause I have already experienced going through 10 different kinds in a row once in my life before and I know how that can affect your life! I take sleeping medication although the doses have been getting higher and higher and it almost feels like I am abusing the pills just so that it would get easier to fall asleep! It feels like almost a tunnel that I have been most of the year! almost like a bad dream! I had been called while I had been working in another town that my mom had taken her own life! Writing it even feels like a dream due to the fact that I havent reached any logical level of acceptance of this dream! I had been with my mom my whole life other than 2 months of my life when I had left for vacation while I was younger! I had moved out of my house at the age of 28 years for the first time ever to a large city! and now the agony and despair of that decision has reached a level that is beyond anything that I have ever felt in my life! When I had received the call I moved back to my own town where my life has lived the majority of life! I stayed at the house where it had taken place for a month or two, with a narcissistic, dead beat, discriminating piece of trash of a step father who only blamed my mom for it and never taken any responsibility after it had taken place! and a spoiled selfish step brother who believe that he deserves the best son of the life award! after a few months I had moved out on my own, and I have cried literally every single day! I had been attending a suicide aid group once a month and talking to a thanologist (grief counselor) once a week! and I do not think that it has aided a lot! A lot of my family also blamed my mom for a lot of things and continue on saying negative things about her after she had done this to herself! I do not talk to the step father who had also robbed me of the insurance money and had only caused destruction and chaos in the family or the step brother due to the fact that I do not need fake people like that in my life! I talk to other family members although like I said they talk negative things! I am thinking about letting go from all of the family completely! Although my aunt has two little girls who I have gotten close with after this has happened almost like if they have been providing a level of love that I have needed and lacked in my life! But the negative comments about my mom continue and ultimately it is the main thing in my life! I have gotten to a point where I do not even have enough in me to cry any longer and a lot of the days that I wake up I feel like I do know what I am doing in this life! A lot of the time I keep to myself and do not want to be around to many people at once and I dont think it will ever get any easier just another level of pain, and this is a pain that will not go away like a broken bone or a bruise, it is something that you carry on for the rest of a life!