Loosing my heart and soul in Canada

by Jacie Hamalainen

We have been married 27 years and although I am 51 and he is 52 I have never lived alone. I am so terrified of that more then of getting hit by a car. Our marriage has had a lot of problems but we cared deeply for each other. He has bipolar 2 and he made me promise to never leave him early on. I would never do such a thing like that to him no matter what. He didn't like to be intimate so we didn't have that in our relationship.
Both different therapists he had said there is nothing wrong with you just love your wife she is suffering so much. He wasn't seeing anyone he came right home for years. He went golfing with friends and movies and lots of other things just as long as it was for him. I knew he had a very selfish side when I met him and he only planned for himself. He didn't like my family (whom were very selfish and not there for us like we were for them) so he made me cut them out of our life by changing our phone number and you know they never came to our door once, it was sad. His bipolar was getting worse and he needed new medication my love for him intensified. I think all the thoughts in his head were caused by not being stable and when I found that perfect therapist who put him on a much better assortment of medications, 2 weeks later he was like a new man.
He was kinder to me more loving and this was just 10 years ago. But then I got ill I started having serious seizures and back pains that hurt so bad.
He witnessed me having a bad nocturnal seizure in my sleep. I was bouncing around arms flailing and legs kicking he told me. He rushed me to the ER and I had Epilepsy. I was tested for what doctors thought during the day was panic disorder but was another type of Epilepsy. Oh he was angry. He took off for 3 days not saying where he was going.
He came back weirdly put his arms around me and said everything will be ok. But things weren't, not at all. I later developed drop seizures when your legs turn to rubber for 4 seconds and you fall wherever you fall. I also found out I had a disc disease in my spine where disc's were coming out of my spine becoming herniated and liquid coming out and getting on open nerves and making me feel such awful pain, that is why I have Cronic Pain today.
I loved this man so much as I never called to him he would hear the noise and know I broke something and would rush me in into the ER where I told him to go back to bed and I would cab home.
Then out of the blue this letter telling me he filed for divorce and we were now legally separated
I haven't stopped crying for a week nor can I eat.
He just yells at me to get a hold of myself and be strong. I have spent 27 years propping up this man and loving him deeply and he wants to sell our payed off home to live in very poor money situation with my 16 year old. Then just throw me off anywhere and my neurologist has told me you can't live alone it is good you have a great husband. My life is a nightmare and I don't what to do..J.

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Aug 10, 2013
The aftermath of separation
by: Doreen U.K.

Hi Jacie, of course you can email me privately for on going support. My email is
Living with bi-polar is difficult and often just day to day life can be unbearable. Often these disabilities we live with can create tension in the family and the children observe and can use this against any one parent. They can create the divisions the parents have to live with. When it all goes wrong they can use this to their advantage. They don't do it out of malice. They just work it all in their favour. This is the modern day life parents have to cope with.
Housing is so very difficult now and without support life can become intolerable. WE have this in England also and so I can understand your difficulty in wanting to stay with your husband. Since I lost my husband 15 months ago to cancer I have hated the lonliness. I don't think this lonliness is something we can ever get used to. I always dreaded this and what I feared has come upon me. I still have my youngest daughter living at home but she has her own life and I am still very much alone. The only benefit now is that I did not lose my FREEDOM. This one positive aspect I cling to. To live in Peace is not so easy as we live in a changing and cruel world and so we will always have an attack on our Peace of mind. But I guess we soldier on making the best out of our bad situations. WE can talk more on email. I look forward to hearing from you. Till then Best wishes. Doreen

Aug 10, 2013
The after math of seperation..
by: Jacie

Hi Doreen:) This has been the most encouraging email i have received since i was served my separation papers. My daughter wanted to go live with my hubby as they are buddy's and not really father and daughter. He spoils her so much and she does not have to do anything around the house at all. That is where our fights came from all the time. I ended up doing what needed to be done and the pain in my spine was something i couldn't describe. He would never yell at her, nothing just do the chores himself. We never had great memory's Doreen, i tried to get him interested in me by doing candle lit dinners and going to movies anything to be close but he hated touch. He never gave our kids hugs nor kisses but i made sure they had their hugs and lots of playtime. I took them out a lot to MCDonalds to play in their play centre. My hubby's bipolar made him very depressed all the time and angry and yell.
That is when i took the kids out of our home.
I thought about it a long time last night how there wasn't many happy times i am just terrified to be on my own. I have never lived alone ever in my life and being disabled makes it worse..
I got a call from 3 different places i applied to and they can't accept anyone who is disabled.
What a crock! This is going to be impossible to find in my small city. My husband is not giving me a time limit as he knows housing out here is bad. So that helps and he realizes half his paycheck will be gone forever so he isn't pushing me out..(so confusing) Doreen i hope we can keep in touch somehow it would be nice to have a good friend, Jacie

Aug 10, 2013
Losing my heart and soul in Canada
by: Doreen U.K.

Jacie I am so sorry for your situation where your dedication to your husband has ended up in divorce/separation.
Divorce feels like a death and you are grieving for this loss. Worse if the person is still alive, but not in your world. Living with Bipolar is difficult and not many people can put up with the many different manifestations of this condition that make life at times very intolerable for those having to live with someone with this condition. You say your husband had a good therapist and on the right medication and so much better that life with him was so good as perhaps you had never known it to be. Then He leaves you.
I believed I was bipolar and went to a psychologist/counsellor but at the same time afraid if I got better I may not want to be with my husband anymore. I did this counselling bit to make life better for my internal world but more for my family so I could relate with more happiness inside me. I got my MIRACLE. I did go on to become a happier person as I had never experienced. I made life the best I could for my family and I went on to have 44yrs. of marriage with the only man I ever loved. He died 15 months ago of cancer.
For you life will make you feel as if you are in a prison of lonliness and can't cope. You will feel so lost. Don't feel as if the years you lived with your husband was wasted years. Count them as a joy but don't let this separation make you waste the rest of the years of your life. Often in life we get dealt a harsh blow and our world falls apart and we wonder how we can pick ourselves up and put meaning into our lives when the person we have lost is the one who gave meaning to our life. When you have tried everything you can to stay together and nothing else works you have to make yourself stronger by putting into your life things that will build yourself up. FOCUS is the key. Change your FOCUS and you change your world. One thing we all have is our FREEDOM. Your husband has used his FREEDOM to structure his life that doesn't include you, and this is such a cruelty that will leave you very hurt for a long time. Your husband doesn't DEFINE who you are. You Do. Define your life now making it a very valuable time for you. It hurts when we can't have the person we love in our life. Do what you can with good support to restructure your life. You can't change the circumstances. When you can't change your situation, you change your attitude towards your situation and this is how we survive.

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