Losing 4 Grandparents
My Grandma died when i was four but i am 17 now and a day doesn't go buy when i don't think of her. I was in denial for years until i was around 8 because i thought that she would come back. Then i was angry because she will never see me grow and because my older brother had more years to spend with her than i did. Even thought i was only 4 i still have vivid memories of her and especially recently i have been desperately trying to cling on to them, because i never want to forget her or the memories. In December 2012 after christmas my granddad past away this time i didn't have denial instead i was in the most pain i have ever been in i was in shock even though i had known he was going to die, i was angry at my self for not spending more time with him and i was angry at myself when ever i had a good time or laughed at anything (this still happens is it normal?). Then at the start of january 2013 my great nan past away i was still feeling the same emotions i was a couple weeks earlier when my granddad past except now they were two times worse. This got better i was less angry but i did become really really guilty when i had fun and at the fact i didn't 't Spend much time with them. In the February /march i started my GCSEs while revising and while in exams all i could think was about how i would let them down if i fail but also how they would never know what i results i got because the both always like to read what grades i got and school reports. Then i would think about how my grandma never knew me and what subjects i was good and bad at, what i liked and disliked. After my exams were over i felt less pressure but still guilty when i have fun (i also cry at least once a week for them all) in september 2013 my great grandma past away but it wasn't until around march or january that i realised that i am never going go have a conversation with her ever again. It is almost at the 1 year mark for my great grandma and the only greaf i feel is guilt for not being with my grandparents longer and when i have fun because i know they can never have fun again. I can help but think they will never see how that child/teen grew up, what career i will have etc. Recently i have also been having re occurring dreams about being in a car accident and seeing them (non of them died in a car accident) also other dreams that involve something dangerous potentially life threatening. I will always see one of them looking perfectly fine and healthy, so realistic. When i wake up i have to think about if the are actually dead or not. Is this normal or am i crazy? Sorry its so long i had to let it out.