Losing 4 Grandparents

by Louise
(England)

My Grandma died when i was four but i am 17 now and a day doesn't go buy when i don't think of her. I was in denial for years until i was around 8 because i thought that she would come back. Then i was angry because she will never see me grow and because my older brother had more years to spend with her than i did. Even thought i was only 4 i still have vivid memories of her and especially recently i have been desperately trying to cling on to them, because i never want to forget her or the memories. In December 2012 after christmas my granddad past away this time i didn't have denial instead i was in the most pain i have ever been in i was in shock even though i had known he was going to die, i was angry at my self for not spending more time with him and i was angry at myself when ever i had a good time or laughed at anything (this still happens is it normal?). Then at the start of january 2013 my great nan past away i was still feeling the same emotions i was a couple weeks earlier when my granddad past except now they were two times worse. This got better i was less angry but i did become really really guilty when i had fun and at the fact i didn't 't Spend much time with them. In the February /march i started my GCSEs while revising and while in exams all i could think was about how i would let them down if i fail but also how they would never know what i results i got because the both always like to read what grades i got and school reports. Then i would think about how my grandma never knew me and what subjects i was good and bad at, what i liked and disliked. After my exams were over i felt less pressure but still guilty when i have fun (i also cry at least once a week for them all) in september 2013 my great grandma past away but it wasn't until around march or january that i realised that i am never going go have a conversation with her ever again. It is almost at the 1 year mark for my great grandma and the only greaf i feel is guilt for not being with my grandparents longer and when i have fun because i know they can never have fun again. I can help but think they will never see how that child/teen grew up, what career i will have etc. Recently i have also been having re occurring dreams about being in a car accident and seeing them (non of them died in a car accident) also other dreams that involve something dangerous potentially life threatening. I will always see one of them looking perfectly fine and healthy, so realistic. When i wake up i have to think about if the are actually dead or not. Is this normal or am i crazy? Sorry its so long i had to let it out.

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Sep 01, 2014
Losing 4 Grandparents
by: Doreen UK

Louise because you were young at the time of first losing a grandparent you could only internalise this by not understanding loss and death. You may have repressed your grief and it is now pressing for resolution. You felt some sibling rivalry at being younger and your brother having the lions share of your grandparent. Not being mature meant you handled this loss with normal anger which is an aspect of grief. You are now older and as one matures their thought patterns change and they mature into more understanding. If you are still struggling you should try and see a CRUSE bereavement counsellor for support. They will explore your loss in more depth and help you to understand why you feel the way you do. You will then be able to change your way of thinking that will help you find release from your anger and feelings guilt if you enjoy life at all. Most if not everyone of us who has lost a loved one has expressed some feelings of guilt over laughing or having fun after losing a loved one. This usually passes with time. You are still feeling this way so you need to explore more fully what is going on in your present day life which is causing you to go back and feel guilt. I have done this grief work so know it works and what is bothering you now won't last. You will eventually find a sense of freedom from grief repressed and you will be able to move forward and enjoy life better which is your birth right. You could also share your feelings with your parents who may help you understand better and support you.

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