losing a child

by Sharon Richards
(Toronto, ON)

I lost my youngest son over two (2) years ago to cancer. He was only 9 years old.

I never imagine that grief could be so physically and emotionally brutal. Struggling each day to stay sane is a full-time job. I am employed and have a very stressful job that doubles as therapy for me. While I can function to full capacity at work, all I want to do after work is sit and watch TV and not engage in any social events. No, I am not clinically depress!!!
I am just sick of people telling me that things will get better with time - quite the opposite is happening to me.

I swear there is no more tears left in my 'tear duct". I get flashback randomly, with no obvious trigger it just happens...it feels like torture. I often feel that I should try hard to be a "bad person" to see if somehow I would feel better about the fate handed down to me and my family. Life feels stupid!!!

Each family member is trying in their own way to cope and I often feel bad if I don't seem stable in their eyes. it's a lot of pressure.

Throughout all of this, I am still hoping on to some sort of faith to get me through this rough time.

Comments for losing a child

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Sep 24, 2013
by: Sharon Richards

I checked my postings this morning and found some words of encouragement from a bunch of folks. Thank you so such for taking the time to read my story and stretch forth your caring arms to me and my family. Today is a great day!!!

Molly, I will contact you soon.

Sep 23, 2013
I feel the same
by: Molly

Hi Sharon,
I must say that everything you said I can relate to. I lost my son Quinn 2 years ago now. I still can't believe that this has happened to us, I realize that he is gone but really can't believe it. How can we understand the death of our sweet loving children that deserved to have and enjoy life and yet it was just grabbed away from them. I go to work everyday as a robot, I act like expected and laugh when needed and talk when required. My job is semi stressful but I am glad that I have it, this is the only thing in my life that is constant, everything else is different and strange. It's like I am living someone else's life, I keep waiting for my old life to return I don't want to welcome a new normal. Actually every part of me is fighting against it, yet for the rest of the world I have to appear ok. The waves of grief are un-ending. Like you I sometimes feel like just being bad too and doing and saying whatever I want to. I mean I have been a good caring and respectful person and look what it got me (nothing!). When you are in this grief that I know will never end all you can think about is that it's suppose to get better but I have come to understand that it never will I miss Quinn more and more everyday and I just don't know how I will cope with this. The idea of forever feeling this pain is crazy but I know it is my reality. Sharon I notice you live in Toronto too if you want to chat more send me a note at molly12@gmail.com I know for me all that helps is talking about Quinn but more and more it gets harder to find people that want to listen or that can really get the agony that we are going through. I wish you well.

Sep 23, 2013
Losing a child
by: Doreen

Sharon I am sorry for your loss of a child so young and with such a curse of a disease of cancer that leaves one feeling hopeless and helpless.
Grief has stages and often we can get stuck in grief and a good grief counsellor could be very beneficial at such a time. Also because you lost a child is often a type of death that needs this type of support.
People can mean well but say the most insensitive things at such a time. We all know it will get better with time. But now is not the time to say it. This is not the stage of grief that anyone should tell you this. Life is often STUPID at times and makes no sense.
You say you have a stressful job but it keeps you occupied. Work can often be a distraction from grief but also a hindrance to expressing grief because one is too busy. Another good reason to see a grief counsellor. This will give you the time and space for YOU. You need nurturing and a grief counsellor could do this till you are able to do this for yourself. Grief can make us needy people and this is not a wrong thing. Often we need someone to carry us.
I used the skill of a grief counsellor/God to get me up from 40yrs. of depression. I did this counselling in my 40's. best thing I did. It helped to cope better with the loss of my husband of 44yrs. to cancer. He had a deadly incurable, inoperable aggressive cancer. I nursed him through a horrendous cancer journey 3yrs.39 days and he died 16 months ago.
If you come back from work and don't want to socialise this is O.K. Do what you want to do. This is one way you are NURTURING yourself. I understand how you feel here.
Once I got the funeral out of the way and tied up all the administration around this I took to the couch and bathed my sorrow with TV for over 6 months. I did nothing. I put food in the oven and went back to the couch. I slept a lot, and cried a lot. I suddenly then took one or two jobs a day and sometime if I couldn't do this I didn't. I went back to the couch. I took ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is the secret. I look back and see how far I came as If I had been carried through this. I probably was carried by God. like in the FOOTPRINTS story where there was two sets of footprints in the picture and the questions came. God replied. The second set of footprints were mine when I CARRIED YOU. I do feel this now. So the secret is TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. NURTURING YOURSELF. Do what you want to do when you want to do it. Shut out all the voices of people who don't understand and give you wrong advice. Resist the urge to push yourself because people demand this of you. Ignore them. Bathe your own wounds of sorrow when no one else is there to do it even if this be T.V. Call on God if He is in your life. He is a very present help in TIMES OF GRIEF AND SORROW. He is a man acquainted with sorrow and grief. He knows what we are going through. May God Comfort you in your sorrow and grief and give you His Peace.

Sep 22, 2013
To Sharon
by: Lawrence

Losing a child must be on par or even worse that losing a beloved spouse, I can feel your intense grief even after two years.
I lost a grandson last year to Sudden Death Syndrome aged 21 and then my wife died suddenly a few months later almost in my arms, so I know the devastating feeling of hopelessness and unrelenting pain it brings.
If only there were words to help you over your agony, but there are none and you must have heard all the usual comments about “tincture of time” etc., but there is no time limit on grief, you just have to sweat it out like we all do here.
Read all our stories on this site and I hope they help even in a little way to heal your broken heart.
Never lose faith.
We are all praying for you.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Sep 22, 2013
You described how I feel
by: Carol, Seans Mom

Sharon, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Your words described me so well it was like I wrote this. My oldest son Sean died from a blood clot that developed while he slept. He was 24. He died November 15,2011 so I am just shy of two years. I function the best I can at work but like you , then I am off to the couch. I was diagnosed at 17 months with severe depression. I am trying to remain strong for his two sisters who need their mom. My whole family got destroyed that day. Time has not helped , it has gotten worse for me. Watching everybody else move on and I am just stuck. I go to grief groups and single counseling. I pray for strength and peace every single day.. My heart goes out to all of us grieving parents, this is an absolute nightmare..

Sep 22, 2013
For Sharon...
by: Vickie

Hi Sharon, I haven't been to the site in quite some time. I needed to connect with others who understand how hard this is. So, here I am. Time doesn't make things better necessarily. I am not trying to discourage people who have the hope for better days but I am very much a realist. I lost a grown child and I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I can't imagine how much hell you had to have endured watching your son slip away. I don't blame you for being fed up and tired of people telling you that time will help. I honestly believe people are at a loss for what to say and so they use this line out of desperation. I lost my daughter in an accident and it has been very hard. Death is never easy but for us to have to bury our children is something no parent should ever have to do. It is an exhausting job and a daily struggle to keep going, to keep it together. My work was my saving grace as well. It was trying but it probably kept me sane. Wore me out so I didn't think about things 24/7.

You can't let other people drain what life you have left in you out. Ignore them. You will never be able to explain what you are going through so, don't bother. Your closest family members are really the only ones that can understand. It is so hard because death has such a strong hold on us and it can unravel us and our family in ways we didn't expect. I am sure you have cried more than enough tears to fill an ocean. Keep talking though. As hard as all this is...please don't shut yourself off completely. I understand the not wanting to socialize and how exhausting even breathing can be but you have to hang in. I take it you have other children? I imagine they need their mom and are missing their brother.

I am going into my fifth year and it still stinks but I am able to have days where I don't cry or days where I am able to have some moments of peace. I am not going to tell you that time is the answer. I don't think any of us ever get over losing our child. I think we just learn to try and adapt the best we can and fight this battle the best we know how.

I will keep you in my prayer's.

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