Losing a Support System

When you're young - at least most of us - we don't expect to lose so many people before we are 40 years old, esp. in a short period of time. Most of us also don't really know how to handle multiple deaths. In 2006, one of my friends died unexpectedly for reasons I still don't know. Hung out with him at a picnic on a Sunday and got a call on the following Tuesday that he had died in his sleep that night: he was 36 years old. In 2007, three of my elderly grandparents died. The day after Thanksgiving 2008, the most significant loss of my life: my father (from pancreatic cancer). I still haven't been able to deal with this: watching someone who you love so much die (and obvious agony) is such an awful experience. And then in April 2010, one of my dearest friends (41 years old) died from complications of a surgery (he had two days after my dad died) we all thought he was recovering from. One month later in May 2010, one of my closest friends (46 years old) committed suicide. That I will never understand. I miss my grandparents terribly and miss the support and love from them, but I understand and can deal with that loss more. The deaths of my two friends and Dad have been especially hard. The guilt of not spending enough time with them, the "I could have done more," the "was I good enough friend/daughter?" thoughts, "the whys" (re: suicide), etc. Still so very difficult to come to grip with it all.