Losing Control...

by Kayla
(London, Ontario, Canada)

It all started in the summer of 2011. My uncle-in-law was diagnosed with cancer and we knew he would not make it through. We lost him shortly after. Then on April 5th, 2012 I lost my other uncle-in-law, we knew he wasn’t in the greatest health but had no reason to believe he would die anytime soon. So it was hard to deal with since everyone was just getting over the first death. Then on June 24th, 2012 the unthinkable happened. My 2 ½ year old nephew was found in pool. He was dead when the ambulance arrived. It tore our family apart. My brother (his father) withdrew from the family and basically stopped talking to us, so it was like two losses in one. Shortly after I lost my pet bird (Which may not sound like much but we had had him for a long time and he was part of the family.) Then on November 15, 2012 a very close friend of mine passed away in the hospital. He suffered 5 heart attacks and 3 seizures in a 20 minute time frame. The weekend following my friend’s death I was informed that my uncle’s cancer had returned (he had been in remission for a while from throat cancer) and it had spread to his lungs. I have been informed that the doctors do not think a surgery would help and have started radiation. Then tonight while online I found out that someone I grew up with has also passed away but haven’t found any other details. I am trying to cope with all this while trying to be there for my husband and one year old son and go to school and deal with every day stresses like money and bills. I am struggling with keeping it all together. I don’t know if I can continue on like this without some help. I just needed to get this all out, I guess I hoped writing it down would maybe let my heart put it all in order….Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Comments for Losing Control...

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Dec 02, 2012
Thank You
by: Kayla

Thank you both for the kind words and the knowledge that someone else has gone through similar things and have managed to carry on. It will be helpful. And I am hoping to get in with a grief counselor soon. Again I appreciate the kinds words! And my heart goes out to both of you, you have both endured so much, and are able to encourage me and try to help me work through my grief, while still working with yours!

Dec 01, 2012
Losing Control
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

You are not really losing control. You are dealing with alot of grief in a short period of time.
I lost my husband of 46 years, 17 months ago. I lost my mom 36 years ago. She died on June 25, 1976. My wedding anniversary is June 26th. I was married 11 years with 5 small children, my baby being only 3 months old. I was devastated by my mothers death, but I did survive. It will be 7 years on April 30th, that my husband and myself found my dad sleeping forever in his recliner. He had a massive heart attack and died in his sleep. I had such regret knowing he died at home alone, days before. But I was told there was nothing I could have done if I would have been right next to him. On June 27, 2011, my husband died sitting on the side of our bed. He had a massive heart attack and he was gone without warning-no pain, no cry for help, his head just went down and he was gone. I live that brief moment over and over again. I just am so grateful he didn't suffer.
Notice the dates, my mom died the 25th of June and my husband died the 27th of June and our wedding anniversary is June 26th. There is some reason for this, but only God knows.
I still have days where I feel I this awful ache in my heart. I am not the same person. I may look ther same, but inside I have changed. We all do after dealing with losing loved ones. In the last 10 years I lost a sister-in-law to cancer, a brother-in-law to cancer and my husband to a heart attack. Wednesday, I received a call from my youngest son. His wife's brother-age 44 was found dead in his apartment by her dad. They had an autopsy performed, but don't know what caused his death yet. His funeral is Monday and my heart just aches for them. To loose a child has to be the worst grief there is. Your brother is experiencing that grief. Be patient with him. Just let him know you are there always. My husbands family is so supportive as are my 5 adult children and grandchildren. I also have 3 new widow friends I met through grief support.
I joined a grief support group after my husbands death and that was the best thing I did, besides coming to this site. A high school girlfriend of mine told me about this site. She found it after the death of her husband and referred me to it. I am on here everyday. I read the posts, don't always comment to everyone, but yours touched me.

Dec 01, 2012
Losing Control.......
by: Doreen U.K.

Kayla I am sorry for all your losses in your life and how this is all such a very heavy burden to bear. Perhaps you feel you have to do all the supporting. Try and share this out with the remainder of the family. Delegate responsibilities where you can so it doesn't all overwhelm you.
Because you have suffered many losses you should think about getting some grief counselling to support you. You will be amazed at how quickly it all gets put into place with help from the professionals. Trying to do it all alone doesn't always work. sometimes we need someone to throw us a lifeline.
Your Priority is your husband and son and your studies and home duties. Reaching out to support others will be secondary and doesn't mean that you don't care. Just being supportive and enquiring regularly how everyone is doing is the best you can do. We are not superwomen although sometimes I think we are. It is wise to pull back when things are getting too much otherwise you will become a casualty and need to be cared for. See grief counselling as taking time out for you.
Even your pet bird is worthy of mourning. I had 9 cockatiel birds and I miss every one of them. When one died I got my husband to make a box and I gave them a good burial. It broke my heart. I have since lost my birds to an Aviary where they are happiest. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 7 months ago. I know only too well what cancer does to a family whilst I nursed my husband for over 3yrs. and watched him die slowly whilst I could do nothing but comfort him and give him the best care I could. sometimes this is all we can do. OH! How I feel so lost now without my beloved husband. But I have to live out the rest of my life as God planned.

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