Losing Him Is and Never Will Be EASY
December 14, 2011
My father left this earth on 4 yrs ago on Wednesday, August 29, 2007 around 5:45 in the morning. I was 16 and my sister was 12. Each of us having a birthday in the next 2 mths. We had just seen him at the restaurant he worked at a wk ago and spoke with him over the phone 3 days b4 he passed and the last thing we said to each other was 'Love You.' My parents had just got a divorce a few mths earlier but still spoke with each other well. My mom had left for work about 5:30 or 6:00 a.m. There was no school that day for my sister and I. We were still asleep when my aunt called about 7 a.m. and asked if my mom was home. I told her she had already gone to work. That was odd for her to call that early, but I didn't think that much about it and went back to sleep. About 7:30-8 ish that morning my cousin called and asked if my sister and I were ok and I told her yes. She sounded confused and asked again and I said yes again, so she said ok and hung up. Once again it was odd for someone to call us that early on a Wednesday. I called my mom and told her that my aunt had called and my mom said I know. She said your dad is sick and had to go to the hospital and she was getting off work to come home. My dad NEVER got sick enough to go to the hospital. I woke my sister up and told her that daddy was in the hospital and we needed to get up and ready so we could be ready to go by the time mom got home. We were kind of scared and hoped he was ok. So we packed some extra clothes, games, bible, etc. thinking we would spend the night with him at the hospital. Boy were we wrong. I think my mom knew but wouldn't tell us. When she got home she told us to hurry up so we could get 2 the hospital. We put our 'overnight' bags in the car and left. The about 7 min. ride was nerve racking and felt like forever to get there. We finally got there and asked for the Howard family @ the receptionist desk. The lady told us families were down the hall. At that point I knew he was gone, but I made myself believe he was having some tests done. When my mom, sister, and I walked in the room my pastor, grandma, aunt, and cousin were already there. My pastor told us to come in the room and have a seat, so my mom and sister did but I stood by the door bracing myself for the worst. He said ' Do you get the gist of what's going on?' I lied and said no b/c I didn't want to believe it. My pastor said 'Your father passed away this morning.' I heard nothing else after that b/c I immediately began crying and shaking uncontrollably. I looked at my mom and sister sitting on the hospital bed crying and holding each other. I wouldn't let anyone touch me for about 2 hrs. All I remember doing is crying looking at the clock and my mom, younger sister, grandma, aunt, cousin, and pastor, and the trash can. Even though I'd been looking at the clock I didn't realize we had been crying for about 4 hrs. Finally we stopped crying and I let my mom's best friend, who had recently lost her dad, hug and console me. I felt so fragile, but had to regain my composure to be strong for my mom and sister. We spent the rest of the day talking w/family and friends. Then we went to bible study were my pastor spoke of my father and the good things he had done and how it felt like he lost a son the whole service. I was touched b/c he NEVER did anything like that. It was also hard hearing him speak b/c he would cry as he spoke so I would have to walk out of the sanctuary. I don't how we slept that night or the next couple nights. Yes I do it's by the power of JESUS CHRIST that we had such an overwhelming peace come over us. My sister, mother, and I went to school and work the next day just to keep our minds occupied but it didn't really help when ppl kept asking if we were ok. I guess it was the thought that counted. After that we didn't go to school or work for the next 2 wks b/c we made preparations for the funeral which was on September 6, 2007. The family allowed my sister and me to take part in most of the ceremony details including the casket and plot. That actually made us happy that ppl didn't forget about us. The wake was ok not that sad at all we played his favorite music, it was kind of joyful. The next day was the funeral. I cried pretty much the whole service. Especially when I looked over at the drums wishing he was there to play them while the male chorus sang. When it came time for the viewing of his body not one of my cousins or his sibling had a dry eye. I watched everyone as the came past his body crying with the people, even the ‘macho’ cousins who thought they were too tough to cry. It was really hard looking at one of my uncles’ b/c he looks exactly like my daddy, just shorter. It finally came time for my mom, sister, and I to take our final views of his body. I could barely stand at first. My mom and sister helped me up to see him and I just broke down. I literally began shaking and crying uncontrollably. Worse than the day he actually died. This time it was harder b/c I knew this would be the last time I saw his face on this earth as my daddy. It was time for them to take him away to go to the burial site. I touched his face and my sister kissed him on the cheek. I told the people not to take him away. I wasn’t ready for him to go. I’m crying now just thinking about it. One of my other uncles along with my mom had to help me stand so we could walk out and proceed to the limo to go to the burial site. I was grateful to see that my best friend was there to console me. I also saw that my mom’s best friend was there as well as my sister’s best friend. That made them feel so loved. I finally gained my composure as we walked down the steps to the limo. I knew at that moment that my family of 3- mom, sister, & me –had people to love us and be there for us no matter what. Four years later, I’m in college struggling wishing he was here to help me get through. My sister is a junior in high school doing ok. My mother is being the best parent she knows how to be. I know it must be hard for her to try & be both parent. We can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens us.
Thank you for reading. I pray that this will help someone going through the same thing. May God Bless YOU.