Losing John

by Debbiek

Losing John...

If memory serves correctly I think it was around May 2010 when he started to complain about not being able to breathe very good. He would have to lay on his left side to be able to breath. It started to affect his sleep and his appetite. I totally believed it was a mental thing as John was known to get him self worked up over different things.

As time went on he started to complain more so his heart doctor (he had a heart attack in May of 2004) ordered an angiogram). It was perfect, nothing showed up. Next was a lung xray. He had that done on July 16, 2010. He got a call from his regular dr that very same day to immediately get to the emergency room.

Back in February of 2009 they had detected a spot on his lung which was cancer. It was removed and every three months they would check to make sure he was still ok. The last time he was checked he was still ok.

He was in the hospital 10 days. On the second day one of his dr's told him that it looked like the cancer had returned and that he was at the "end stage". On the 9th day of his hospital stay he was told there was nothing else they could do for him. He was moved into hospice care in the hospital on the 25th of July.

I went in to see him on July 26th. He seemed fine and he had his wits about him. Knew where he was and what was going on. If you didn't know any better, he seemed perfectly fine. He even ate a piece of chocolate while I was there.

He never complained but when asked if he was in any pain he replied he was in some discomfort. They started him on morphine and by the time I left he was on level 4.

Approximately 8 hours later he was gone. I had no idea when I left him that day that I would never see him again.

I was devastated and in shock. The big hole he left in my heart and the loneliness was unbearable. I was definitely in the shock and denial stage for about 2-3 months.

We were married 38 years, had 2 children and 4 grandchildren. I couldn't believe I was left standing here alone. I had really felt me & him would grow old together. I was so lost.

I am a firm believer that every thing happens for a reason. I do not understand John being called home so early. Some day I will but not now. But I am grateful that he didn't suffer too long.

I try to count my blessings every day and thank God for all of them. I take one day at a time. If I have a good day--thank you God. If I have a bad day, I know God will not burden me with any more than I can handle. It is the struggles that give us the strength we need for the next rough spot in life.

January 24, 2011 will mark the six months you have been gone. I know God called you home but I still suffer with your leaving. I never got angry with your death. But it doesn't make it any easier to accept.

I love and miss you John so very much. What carries me through is knowing some day we will be united again. Love you John.......until we meet again...

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