losing my 23 year old son to TB Meningities

by sheela

I am sheela, my son hari,2 years back in 2011 november, he was diagnosed with miliary TB meningities. He was on medicines regularly for one full year till Novemver 2012 and was taking 1 anti epileptic drug. He was fine till this september 2013, until the relapse of meningities was back with TB and the protein level in his spinal fluid was 1790. After struggling for nearly a month, I lost him to a massive cardiac arrest on 15th October 2013. My son was very sweet, caring, happy go lucky boy. He loved his mummy the most and wanted me to be happy and smiling. I lost the breath and spirit of my life. How do i go on living? It is unbearable. I just want to end myself and go to him but for my daughter and husband I have to live. I just curl myself up when no one is there and cry,why cant he come to me and show himself. Anguish, despair, sadness and to want to end your life is what is on my mind. No one understands and tells me it is fate, destiny and he was destined to live for 23 years. I cannot accept it. life is meaninigless a big zero without him. Help me God to endure this pain and let me go to him soon.

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May 11, 2014
11th May, my son Hari's 24th birthday
by: Sheela

11th may is my son Hari's birthday. I am going back to 1990 when he was born. I cuddled and fed him with so much love, my first born, only to be snatched away from me after 23and half years. Today is Mother's Day but he is not there to wish me. Each second I am passing in his memory, the tears, heartache, sadness have become a part and parcel of my life. I live for my princess daughter and my husband. I cannot take my life as I know how they will grieve. They cannot be without me. I have understood that. Let me go through all pain, aches and tears. Let it not be for them. I just wish my Hari could come in front of me so that I could feel him, see him touch him at least once. Wishful thinking. Can't God give mothers visiting hours to wherever our children are. Life is passing by like a automated machine. But for me it is my son Hari who is and was my life and soul. I am just a living mother with a dead soul inside me. I hope to join him soon. At least let that wish of mine be granted........

Apr 13, 2014
It is neary 6 months since my Hari went away.
by: Anonymous

Sheela, I have a similar experience as you described only I couldn't express it the way you did. I keep seeing my husband's face in front of me as if his presence is here. It is quite strange. I have been waking up of a night in a panic as if his loss has just taken place. It is as if REALITY is now with me. HE IS NOT COMING BACK. It is coming up to 2yrs. 5th May that my Steve died of cancer. I have flashbacks of his death and dying as triggers take place. This is not something we have control over to change or not feel. It is a memory. An experience. We lived through. I just find the Mind, memory, and emotions a very complex area to heal from. It is one of the most difficult paths for us now is to carry on living for those we have with us who still need us to care for them. All quality of life has now gone. Even if we put new relationships in place it will never make up for what we have lost. I guess our loved one's will feel the same way when they lose us. It has caused me to face the fragility of life and what it is all about. A journey. It will end one day. What have I learned whilst I have been here on earth. That I raised a family for God. Whether they continue this journey with God is their journey. But I have done my job as a mom/parent. I have raised children to be God fearing and know where they are going after they die. Looking forward to Jesus coming back for us who believe in Him and be re-united with our lost loved ones to live in a New Earth re-created by God which will be a righteous kingdom where there will be no more tears, crying, sorrow, death. All these things will be passed away. Now this is something to live for and look forward to in life and keep us HOPING for this Eternal Life.

Apr 12, 2014
It is nearing 6 months since my Hari went away
by: Sheela

I keep going through the mails forwarded to me and keep going through this site. Many parents and grief stricken people have and are helping me to go on in life. It is nearing 6 months since my son Hari went away. Days are just going by with my grief and tears deepening each day. I really want death to embrace me but thinking of my princess daughter who is my life I keep going on. She needs me more than anyone. I know how it is to lose a loved one specially parents and then my son. A daughter needs her mom a lot in her life so I have to be there for her. Each day passing, I ache for my Hari's touch talk, presence and weep for him secretly. His pain which he endured comes in front of me like a repeated movie and his dreams which never fulfilled. His clothes, books, postgraduate admission papers to Illinois institute of tech., his mp4 player, his favourite songs, so many things and the places he went, it makes me cry for him. How do I go on? I really don't understand why he was taken away. So many questions but not answered. The face of my son which comes in front of me is his eyes staring me and he had bitten his tongue. In my heart I knew he had left me. The pain and agony is so much that it is can never ever be pacified or consoled.......

Nov 30, 2013
losing my 23 year old son to TB Meningitis
by: Doreen UK

Sheela I am sorry for your loss of your son Hari to this dreadful disease. He was your Adult child and you will never get over the loss of a child. you will just learn to live with this loss in time. But he was still your child and will always be. The worst pain a mother can go through. We all feel we want to die after losing a close loved one. You are not alone here. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer 18 months ago and now just learning to live with my loss. I have many sad days. Anguish and despair are companions of death and assault us for a long time. To lose someone from our lives like this is the worst experience ever. To want to die is normal as a part of the grief. You will not want to abandon your husband or daughter as they will be feeling the loss as much. You as a mom will suffer more. You carried that child for 9 months and reared him, your bond with Hari will be stronger and your loss felt deeply. Even if we are allotted a certain amount of years to live it is still so very painful to lose loved ones we have had relationship with, and input in their lives. May God comfort you in your loss and give you His Peace.

Nov 26, 2013
Your son
by: Kate

I'm so sorry you lost your son,I too lost my sweet loving son one year ago. I do not know how I have gone on without him! I miss him so much. My life feels empty too but I have another son and 3 daughters to keep going for. Everything hurts. The grief journey is many tears,hurt,sorrow,pain and death even makes you mad! Grief is tons of emotions. Take it easy on yourself and go slow. On here we understand and care. Hugs to you.

Nov 26, 2013
thank you for your kind words
by: sheela

thank you both for your support and kind words, it means a lot to me and helps me to keep one foot forward. I am very sorry for your loss and just pray that the almighty helps us deal with this terrible lifetime loss and punishment of not having our child with us

Nov 26, 2013
Very Sorry and I understand
by: Savna Sykora

I am so very sorry for your son,I feel your pain since my son died almost 6 months ago, I also have a husband and a daughter to live for, I learn to think of other needs instead of my pain and sorrow. I am doing yoga daily that help some of the pains, try to find something else to focus on,its not fair for your family to worry about you, you need to be there for them. Do some deep breathing and ask God to comfort us in such a time. He will give you peace if you chose to ask Him. Nothing to lose to just trust in Him, xoxo

Nov 25, 2013
by: Fabio

My heart goes out to u and you family as we to lost our only son of 22 years of age in an terrible motorbike accident on a race track which we thought was safe Rather it wasn 't our son was a pilot of an Australian airline at the age of 18 we to wanted to kill our self to go to him but if we do we will never see him again u must wait and u will meet him again just do what ever relifs your grief cry scream do any but remember he is there next to you it is just you can't see the flash meditation has helped us alot , stay put he s waiting for you he will be there to welcome you in the spiritual life .sending you love snd peace :(

Nov 25, 2013
I am so sorry
by: Cindy

Sheela, I am so so sorry for the loss of your beloved son. I lost my wonderful 17 yr old son Ethan on August 28 after a very brief and unexpected illness. I know exactly how you are feeling because I have felt that way since that awful horrible day. The only reason I am still here is my husband and my daughter. Life has lost all meaning for me. I am just trying to get through each day until my time here is over and I can be wherever my son is. May we both find some form of peace and the strength to go.

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