Losing my baby to a monster
Almost three years ago now, I thought I met the man of my dreams. I was a single mother of two small children, putting myself through college and battling the world for my place in it. Soon after we started dating, FF was taking us all to Disneyland and anywhere to have a good time. He was 20 years older then me and said that my kids and i made him feel young again and that since he couldn't have children, he was excited to be a stepfather to two great kids who needed one. So I fell in love. Who wouldn't.
Soon after We moved in my dream turned into a nightmare. First thing that should have sent me packing was he went through my phone and called every male in it to say that I was his and their number was not aloud in my phone. He hacked my FB and emails. I let all that go because he only acted like that if I was doing something wrong. Right? And after all the things he's done for me, maybe I owed him that kind of loyalty. For whatever reason I was telling myself, I stayed.
Fast forward a year and a half, I'm about to graduate in 3 months. Already have a job offer. All this time things have escalated to the point of bruises on myself and my kids. For anything from tracking sand into the house or not eating fast enough. I had restrictions like only being aloud to shower when he says and wash one load of laundry a week for four people. He controlled my money. Sure he would give me my own money but wanted to see where I spent it. All this and with all the mental abuse on top. I didn't understand. If he didn't like me, then why not let me go.? I was counting down the days to graduation. Then i was going to leave. Then Bam I'm pregnant. Bam he breaks his leg. Bam he is served with child support papers for his 7 year old daughter that I knew nothing about. I should have left then. Why didn't i leave then. Well, he really needed me. He had to have surgery and he had no one but me to take care of him. So even when he lied to me about being sterile. I stayed. I took care of him. I graduated. i couldn't take the job because I was pregnant. (In my field you cant be pregnant) I took care of all his legal errands he had to do for his child support case.
So when the time comes for me to give birth to my son. I've told him I'm having a boy a hundred times. He's asked me who's baby it is then because he can't have boys. He has also said to me if its a girl I am free to leave and never come back. But if it's a boy then I'm stuck forever. Well we was a boy. Very beautiful. Blond hair with blue eyes. Lol we are both dark green eyed and dark hair. So for sure he isn't his. ( he says) I was sure he would not hurt his own son. Not the son he has been waiting so long for. One month old, I get out of the shower and the baby is crying with a swollen eye. Yes I should have called the cops a hundred times. But this time I do and before I can press send he takes my phone and smashes it with a hammer and tries to break my arm. That's the day I decide. Enough is enough. I am leaving no matter what. I wait 2 months to save enough money, buy plane tickets for all four of us and move us all to the east coast. Where I feel we will be safe from a crazy mad man.
I live with my friend until I'm able to get my own place and look for jobs. FF is hiring private investigators and filling court papers to get me back. It took 7 months for the courts to decide my son has to be in the county of his birth. Even though we live across the us. So I try to move back. I end up homeless with three kids. The courts decide to give him primary custody. In my mind I think if this judge only knew what this monster have done to us. She wouldn't give him custody. So I told her what he did to us. She said what do you want me to do about it now? You didn't call the police. So I have lost my son to a monster. I live on the east coast with my two kids and my one year old baby is with his father. Yeah I could move back with them anytime I want. FF will even send me money to come back to him. I'm so heartbroken that at times I would gladly take the abuse to be there with my son. To protect him. To love him and take care of him. But that means my older two children would also suffer. I feel this is all I can do to save my older two and myself. I am heartbroken. I feel ashamed. I feel guilty. I feel like he has died and i need to grieve. But this will never stop because he is alive. I don't know if he is hurt or hungry. Or maybe even misses me and his siblings. If I was stronger. If I had called the police or left the first sign of trouble. I don't believe in abortion, so that wasn't an option. He is so sweet and beautiful. I miss him so much. I'm trying to visit him. Hopefully I can often enough he will remember me.
I'm still trying to fight the courts. FF has endless money to keep fighting me. What I have learned is. This is sadly pretty common. Abused women are so afraid of the abuser that the women make rash decisions to get away. For the women it's life or death. When you go in front of a judge. Abused women look unstable, irrational and dysfunctional. If you can't prove the abuse. You just look crazy to them. I guess I have no one to blame but myself. If I hadn't aloud myself to be a victim. I would still have my son.