Losing my baby to a monster

by Natalie

Almost three years ago now, I thought I met the man of my dreams. I was a single mother of two small children, putting myself through college and battling the world for my place in it. Soon after we started dating, FF was taking us all to Disneyland and anywhere to have a good time. He was 20 years older then me and said that my kids and i made him feel young again and that since he couldn't have children, he was excited to be a stepfather to two great kids who needed one. So I fell in love. Who wouldn't.

Soon after We moved in my dream turned into a nightmare. First thing that should have sent me packing was he went through my phone and called every male in it to say that I was his and their number was not aloud in my phone. He hacked my FB and emails. I let all that go because he only acted like that if I was doing something wrong. Right? And after all the things he's done for me, maybe I owed him that kind of loyalty. For whatever reason I was telling myself, I stayed.

Fast forward a year and a half, I'm about to graduate in 3 months. Already have a job offer. All this time things have escalated to the point of bruises on myself and my kids. For anything from tracking sand into the house or not eating fast enough. I had restrictions like only being aloud to shower when he says and wash one load of laundry a week for four people. He controlled my money. Sure he would give me my own money but wanted to see where I spent it. All this and with all the mental abuse on top. I didn't understand. If he didn't like me, then why not let me go.? I was counting down the days to graduation. Then i was going to leave. Then Bam I'm pregnant. Bam he breaks his leg. Bam he is served with child support papers for his 7 year old daughter that I knew nothing about. I should have left then. Why didn't i leave then. Well, he really needed me. He had to have surgery and he had no one but me to take care of him. So even when he lied to me about being sterile. I stayed. I took care of him. I graduated. i couldn't take the job because I was pregnant. (In my field you cant be pregnant) I took care of all his legal errands he had to do for his child support case.

So when the time comes for me to give birth to my son. I've told him I'm having a boy a hundred times. He's asked me who's baby it is then because he can't have boys. He has also said to me if its a girl I am free to leave and never come back. But if it's a boy then I'm stuck forever. Well we was a boy. Very beautiful. Blond hair with blue eyes. Lol we are both dark green eyed and dark hair. So for sure he isn't his. ( he says) I was sure he would not hurt his own son. Not the son he has been waiting so long for. One month old, I get out of the shower and the baby is crying with a swollen eye. Yes I should have called the cops a hundred times. But this time I do and before I can press send he takes my phone and smashes it with a hammer and tries to break my arm. That's the day I decide. Enough is enough. I am leaving no matter what. I wait 2 months to save enough money, buy plane tickets for all four of us and move us all to the east coast. Where I feel we will be safe from a crazy mad man.

I live with my friend until I'm able to get my own place and look for jobs. FF is hiring private investigators and filling court papers to get me back. It took 7 months for the courts to decide my son has to be in the county of his birth. Even though we live across the us. So I try to move back. I end up homeless with three kids. The courts decide to give him primary custody. In my mind I think if this judge only knew what this monster have done to us. She wouldn't give him custody. So I told her what he did to us. She said what do you want me to do about it now? You didn't call the police. So I have lost my son to a monster. I live on the east coast with my two kids and my one year old baby is with his father. Yeah I could move back with them anytime I want. FF will even send me money to come back to him. I'm so heartbroken that at times I would gladly take the abuse to be there with my son. To protect him. To love him and take care of him. But that means my older two children would also suffer. I feel this is all I can do to save my older two and myself. I am heartbroken. I feel ashamed. I feel guilty. I feel like he has died and i need to grieve. But this will never stop because he is alive. I don't know if he is hurt or hungry. Or maybe even misses me and his siblings. If I was stronger. If I had called the police or left the first sign of trouble. I don't believe in abortion, so that wasn't an option. He is so sweet and beautiful. I miss him so much. I'm trying to visit him. Hopefully I can often enough he will remember me.

I'm still trying to fight the courts. FF has endless money to keep fighting me. What I have learned is. This is sadly pretty common. Abused women are so afraid of the abuser that the women make rash decisions to get away. For the women it's life or death. When you go in front of a judge. Abused women look unstable, irrational and dysfunctional. If you can't prove the abuse. You just look crazy to them. I guess I have no one to blame but myself. If I hadn't aloud myself to be a victim. I would still have my son.

Comments for Losing my baby to a monster

Click here to add your own comments

Jul 09, 2013
Thank you for your comments
by: Natalie

Thank you very much for all your comments. It strange how it's easier to accept and be comforted by the loving people on this site then people in my own life.

Update: I'm trying to find the strength to do the things I need to do. I haven't call my therapist yet because I feel like I failed and let her down, plus myself. I know that's not true but Thats just the way im feeling. I just need to call and make an appointment. I know I will feel better when I talk to her again. Plus that's only one thing on a huge list of things I need to do. I just need to make myself.

My grief is unbearable at times. I look at my older two kids at dinner and they are talking and laughing. I think to myself. I will never see my Joshua talk and laugh like this. I will miss his first day of school. I won't get to tuck him in at night like my other kids. He won't know that I love him and care for him. I try to put more effort into my kids that I do have. Because I know this is hard on them too. They miss their little brother. We have done movie nights and bike rides. But I feel guilty. Like I shouldn't be doing this without Joshua.

To be honest. I'm still contemplating going back to FF. He is sending me pictures of Josh. More to rub it in my face then being nice. Since the judge granted him full custody and I only get visitation if FF agrees to it. I feel like I'm at his mercy. He somehow got an emergency court date which i was unable to go since im on the other coast and couldnt afford the ticket. I know he is just using Josh as a weapon. I tell myself that this is for the best. I am where I can take great care of my older two kids. They have their own rooms, bikes and friends here. I am where I can heal and get over the abuse. And this too gives me grief. Because we will be happy and thrive here. But the price I pay is my baby. Like I sacrificed him to the monster so that we could live in peace. I know it wouldn't be a good thing to go back. My older kids would suffer and josh would too because we would be fighting all the time. In the middle of my disspear. I think it would be better if we were all together in hell then apart and happy. I'm still worried FF will hurt him. But I do have a cps worker assigned to him. He goes to a day care when FF is at work. I'm just worried because I know how he got with my kids when he was frustrated with them. I can only pray that FF is too afraid of losing him to hurt him.

Thank you again for your comments. It so very comforting that I am not alone and you all keep me in your thoughts and prayers


Jul 06, 2013
losing my baby to a monster
by: silver

Dear Natalie,I commented before but I wanted to tell you that the consensus of all of us is to stay away and find some help somewhere.Not all judges think the way the one you had does.Thankfully,the system is changing somewhat.Ask around:legal aid,mental health,maybe someone in a church is or knows a lawyer or advocate.There may be a children's advocacy center.I wish I could help you more.It took me a loving husband and mental health care to get most of my esteem back.I pray nightly for you and others like us.No one should be made to feel as if they are worthless or of no use to anyone but the abuser.I am going to post a poem I wrote about my abuse and how love helped me called,"CHILD OF FEAR,CHILD OF HOPE".I want to let others like us know that there is hope of recovery and good love again.GOD grant you strength and peace.Loving you and sending you some hugs to take our when you need them.Wish I could be there in person to hold you when you need someone who cares but this will have to do.GOD bless you.

Jul 05, 2013
losing my baby to a monster
by: silver/an abuse survivor

I feel your pain.I am an abuse survivor.My first yr and half were great.I wasn't until I was pregnant with our second child the abuse and control started.By the time the second child was a couple of months old it got much worse.I was lucky.He got a girlfriend and told her those weren't his kids and he was just living with me.He was,literally,mentally ill...schizoid,manic depressive,and with suicidal and homicidal tendancies. One day I managed to escape while he was gone for 3 hours.I had to little children and $30.I went to the bus station and was going to leave,get as far as I could and then call my parents.I knew they would help.After I left he went to the girl's house,broke in,and took her to the police station at knife point wanting her arrested for helping me escape.He was arrested.He had called my dad to tell him that those weren't his kids and he could prove it.My dad came apart at him.He knew me better.He told me to come back or he would kill himself and it would be my fault.Dumb me,I went back.He was very nice until the trial.They committed him to the Colorado Mental Institution.He was in about 4 months when I started divorcing him.My parents came from Alabama to Colorado and got me and the kids.I went to school and learned a trade.4yrs later I married a wonderful man.He never hurt me and he taught our sons not to ever hurt a woman or children.To this day they don't.It is hard to escape.People don't understand the CONTROL the person has over you.I was lucky.I know you grieve for your son.I think you are right to stay away.Don't give him that control again.He is trying to control you through your son.If he succeeds,you will be trapped again.If you haven't,try counseling.If you can't afford private dr. most cities have a county mental health center.The plus side of this is that after some counseling including the abuse to you and your children,they may be able to provide evidence to help you.I hope so.Also legal aide may be able to help.It's better for you during this age than for me 38 yrs ago.You have a chance to get a lawyer who will fight for your rights.Good Luck.I will say a prayer for you and hope you get your son.Don't get too discouraged if it takes awhile.If you have contact with your son,just let him know you love him and wish he could be with you when you can.GOD bless you and send you strength and peace.

Jul 03, 2013
Don't let another day go by
by: Anonymous

You must, for the sake of your son, contact family sevices. Tell them everything and ask that they have a case worker assigned to your son. Put them on notice that you will hold them responsible if anything happens. I would also contact the neighbors where your EX lives and asked that they watch out for your son. Since hs is a baby someone has to be taking care of him. I would also go back to court to try to get custody. Get the people that he chased off to verify your story. Do whatever you have to to protect your son without going back to him and putting yourself or your other two children in harms way.

Jul 03, 2013
Losing my baby to a monster
by: Doreen U.K.

Natalie It is not the end of your world it is the start of the end of His world. Empower yourself and give yourself the courage to fight for your right to have this SOB give your son back to where he will be safe, secure, and loved. When you came out of the shower this poor baby had a swollen eye. Tell your story to someone who will put you on TV. In England we have Victims Support. Perhaps the name is still the same in America. Victim Support will give you information to help you move forward. Someone out there needs to know your story and how this man has taken away your self esteem and left you feeling powerless to fight your corner but you need your son back. You need to find some support to get that law changed where a judge will not support you because you did not call law enforcement. This will help other women in your position to file a complaint with the law enforcement. Don't give up Hope. You have us on this site on your side. Get yourself some physical support to walk with you through this problem till you get your son back. You need to see a counsellor to help repair some of the emotional damage to you and give you back your self esteem. No one in this day and age needs to put up with living in fear and having your son living away from you. The first priority is his safety and welfare. Surely someone in Social Services would support you here. Try anything. It is hard work, emotionally draining but you will win the battle and be stronger for it. Be positive. You will succeed. You did nothing wrong but stay with a man through fear. In much the same way those women in America were held against their will as prisoners for a decade. This shocked the world. The judicial system is back to front. They reward the wrongdoer and punish the innocent. Best wishes. Write back Please.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Other Loss.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!