Losing my best friend, partner and my mind?
My husband passed away a few weeks ago from SVC syndrome, a complication of the lung cancer that he had been diagnosed with about 15 months before. It had been a rough year but I quit my job a couple of months after his diagnosis so I could be with him 24/7 and I will never regret that. I am so angry still and I cannot seem to move past it. From my sister who made a crack a year ago about seeing my husband before he's in a casket, to my father in law demanding immediately after my husband was buried $100 K that he had given to all three of his children several years ago I feel angry and betrayed by people I thought would never hurt me. My father in law demanded the money immediately so he could put an extension on "a house he was purchasing with his daughter"-(which I found out later was a complete lie). When he brought this up to me I had not slept more than 1/2 hour straight in well over a week. For days I frantically tried to think of a way to pay him back (even cashing in our IRA's till I realized that with penalties and taxes I still could not raise that kind of money.) When he wanted to take the money (roughly $59K) that the state had allocated as a widows death benefit- my husband retired as a fireman a couple of years ago, I realized that there would never be an end to his vindictiveness and to protect and keep the house (I promised my husband I would not sell till our youngest was out of college and settled- at least a year) I had to get a lawyer. That being said I have truly realized who I CAN count on. My good friend Barbara, my older sister Betty and my youngest three children that have been unwavering in their love and support. But I still cry every day and frankly sometimes every hour. I miss my partner and best friend so much. I have tried to join grief support groups but was told the median age is 80's (I am 52) and it would not be helpful for me. I just want to stop crying, my husband was such a positive good man this is the last thing he would want. I cannot bear the thought of being alone for decades and I don't want to ever be with anyone else, he was and will always be the love of my life. But I know my kids worry and I don't want to be this sad person. I wish I was dead but I will never kill myself, my father did that when I was ten and I know there is nothing worse than knowing your parent chose to leave you, I could never do that to my children even as I will never forget how incredibly brave and how hard my husband fought thru so much pain and chemo and horrible side effects just because he wanted to be stay with us. He loved us so much he would have put up with anything just to stay with us and I cannot accept the unfairness of it all. He was far from perfect and both being hot tempered we had our share of arguments, but he was the kindest most loving man I have ever known. There was such a goodness to him and total inability to hurt anyone he loved. I am still reeling over EX father in law and my own sister's cruelty- In my sisters defense (I feel there really is none) she was just being honest! And she is a nurse. Fortunately not a hospice nurse. Anyway, when does it stop hurting so much? And when will I be able to sleep?