Losing My Daughter
Losing my daughter was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. Yes I have lost loved ones before but never has it hit me as bad as this. I feel guilty all the time though I am told by friends, family and my partner that it's not my fault but I can't help it. What hurt alot was the fact she only lived for five minutes after being born and I had to watch her struggling to breath wanting so much to trade places with her I would have given anything for it to be the other way around or even better to save her provide her with a chance at life but unfortunatly I wasn't able to do that and it haunts me everyday.
Everday since she died has been extremly hard some days I struggle to have the motavation to want to get out of bed to go do something, anything with my day. And when I can get up to go out I can't fully concentrate on what I have to do that day. I find myself asking why her? why my little girl? why do little ones get taken away at all?. It was way too soon for her to be taken I honestly don't know if I will ever recover or even find it alittle easier to live with, I don't handle loosing someone I love too well never have been able to so I don't think this will even get the slightest bit easier.
It's just soo painful, I find myself longing to have her in my arms to be able to look after her when I see people with their children and pregnant women. In a way I envy them but I don't want to be doing that I don't like that sometimes I do that but I can't help it sometimes I see parents with children and pregnant women in town or something and I think to myself they are soo lucky they are experiencing what I should be experiencing the joy of bringing up children loving them, caring for them.
Friends of mine have children which makes it even harder plus my partner has nephews but for some reason I find it easier to be around little boys than little girls. That's most probably because the baby I lost was my little girl so its painful to see little girls running round living life and having fun which leaves me thinking that it should be my little girl living life and having fun maybe not running around because she was only a baby but still living life.
Family, friends and my partner have said I can go to any of them for chat but I find it hard to talk to them so that's why I have been looking for sites that provide forums or chat rooms for me to talk to parents who are going through the same thing as me I think it would really help. But I'm not sure how that would go as this is my first and hopefully my last experience of losing a child. I guess I am looking for advice maybe support from non-family members and a nice chat so I don't feel alone in this I know I have my partner but it does to be honest feel like it's just me sometimes not always but sometimes.