Losing My husband David
(Lincoln, CA USA)
David died Jan 19, 2014. It feels like just yesterday. I look at photos of him and I have so many regrets. How do you deal with regret? He was raging and called me names for 33 yrs. He was undiagnosed bi-polar. He died of cancer, from the first chemo round he only lasted 18 months. We were both in denial. He wouldn't talk about how he felt. He wouldn't talk about death. Towards the end I tried to make sure I told him I loved him but act normal so he wouldn't feel bad about leaving me. I tried not to cry around him. I find myself reading old journals about how he mentally abused me and I get angry about what he did but then I'm sad and cry cause I miss him. I went to the foot dr today and couldn't stop crying. It was the first time I was in the office since Dave left me. I freaked the foot dr out I think. I'm disabled and Dave drove us to dr appts and did errands and now I have half the income I used to have and I feel like I'm floating around. I cry off and on especially when I'm talking to someone about Dave. I don't want to be here alone. I want to go with him. Eighteen days after Dave died my sister died of a drug overdose and right now she's at the morgue in Nevada. I'm in CA and I feel like I'm not in control of anything. My old lady cats are depressed cause they miss him. How do you get through the grief? I am working on a shadow box for him. I have to come up with 12 things that represent him. Everyone says think of the future.