Losing My husband David

by Gayle
(Lincoln, CA USA)

David died Jan 19, 2014. It feels like just yesterday. I look at photos of him and I have so many regrets. How do you deal with regret? He was raging and called me names for 33 yrs. He was undiagnosed bi-polar. He died of cancer, from the first chemo round he only lasted 18 months. We were both in denial. He wouldn't talk about how he felt. He wouldn't talk about death. Towards the end I tried to make sure I told him I loved him but act normal so he wouldn't feel bad about leaving me. I tried not to cry around him. I find myself reading old journals about how he mentally abused me and I get angry about what he did but then I'm sad and cry cause I miss him. I went to the foot dr today and couldn't stop crying. It was the first time I was in the office since Dave left me. I freaked the foot dr out I think. I'm disabled and Dave drove us to dr appts and did errands and now I have half the income I used to have and I feel like I'm floating around. I cry off and on especially when I'm talking to someone about Dave. I don't want to be here alone. I want to go with him. Eighteen days after Dave died my sister died of a drug overdose and right now she's at the morgue in Nevada. I'm in CA and I feel like I'm not in control of anything. My old lady cats are depressed cause they miss him. How do you get through the grief? I am working on a shadow box for him. I have to come up with 12 things that represent him. Everyone says think of the future.

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Feb 23, 2014
Losing My husband David
by: Doreen UK

Gayle I am so sorry to hear your update stating that you won't be able to get a counsellor due to your insurance not paying for this.
The reason I felt counselling would be better for you because often when someone has faced abuse they have over time become negative in their thinking and often this is not easy to overcome. The skills of a counsellor can help break the patterns of a lifetime. This is how I have healed from counselling and impossible to go back to the same negative way of thinking. But with good self help books they can help a lot. I nurtured myself on self-help books till it was not enough and only one to one counselling would work. You need support due to your medical problems. If you were to fall in the house and no one available you could be lying there for days without being rescued. Surely some department of Social Services would be able to help you here? I worry about the same things. But our Social Services don't have the funding in place to assist us here in the U.K. WE have to pay for our own Social Care. If anyone has a home the Social Services takes a portion of the house cost towards their care. I hope that something works out for you soon. Don't give up Hope. God is looking down on you and all of us and He knows our needs. But God wants us to talk to Him about what we need from Him. I hope life gets better for you in the days and months ahead. Best wishes. keep in touch Doreen

Feb 23, 2014
Thank u
by: Gayle

Thank u Doreen. I did try to find a counselor and my insurance doesn't pay for it. So all I have is books and the computer. I can't drive so I rarely go anywhere. I have brain bleeds which has left me with left side weakness so I can't walk far. I use my cane to get to my daughter's car and the double vision I've had for three yrs keeps me home. I'm afraid of falling even in the house. I've had to think about what I can do for myself since David did a lot for me. It's just scary. I have two friends I email every once in awhile. So I'm looking for help on the computer. I freaked out the foot dr cause I couldn't quit crying. It was the first time I was there without David. I read crying is normal. I have to change the negative thoughts about the past. What you said helps. I only get $800 a month and trying to figure out what I can pay is not fun and bill collectors starting calling. I did start a letter to my husband on the computer. I'm up to ten pages so far and he's only been gone a month and three days, but it helps.

Feb 19, 2014
Losing My husband David
by: Doreen UK

part 2
Gayle don't focus on people telling you to think of the future. YOU CAN'T. Because your past and present hasn't been resolved and you can't forget so what you are doing is thinking about it all because it has nowhere to go. It is pressing for resolution now. I know how you feel and what you are going through. I repressed my emotions and feelings for 40yrs. Until it was all set as it were in cement. If you can get counselling it would be good. You would be able to resolve a lot of your pain with a counsellor. You would heal, and reclaim your life back.
My husband had chemo, and radiotherapy, and he died over 3yrs. of a deadly cancer. He didn't want to talk of death. WHO DOES. It is scary and who wants to face this till it is before us. But by then it still can't be discussed. When my husband was in the hospice and the chaplain came in talking of death my husband had him thrown out and told that no one comes in again to see him to talk of death. He then made a decision of his funeral, and put the rest in His Will & Testament giving me the instructions of his wishes. I had a battle with his family that needed the intervention of the police for protection. I remained calm. Drew strength and guidance from God. It all worked itself out. The government took back most of my husband's pension that he worked 47yrs. to build up so now I struggle with the bills and running the home. But such is life now and I have to put my whole TRUST IN GOD. Who is my/our provider. I have addressed some of the issues you are facing. It isn't easy. If you start with the counselling through your doctor you may get it cheaper on a sliding scale. You may also be put in touch with Social Security who can support you. Don't look at the mountain. I did this. Then on this site I learned. ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how I am still coping. ONLY ONE DAY AT A TIME. Troubles will come up every day. Deal with what you can. Make priority lists. Tick off what you have tackled. What you can't do and can discard, do this. Do all the top priority jobs that need to be tackled it won't seem like a mountain. This is how I cope each day. Seek God also to put you in touch with the right people for support. Lean on God for your strength.

Feb 19, 2014
Losing My husband David
by: Doreen UK

Gayle I am sorry for your loss of your husband David. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 21 months ago to a deadly cancer and I was his caregiver for over 3yrs. I got my biggest part of strength from God who carried me through this terrible time. You say that you have REGRETS. and you don't know how to deal with regrets. First of all realise that regrets will come as part of grief and should disappear with time. But REGRETS. is something which is part of life and we all have them. Even our loved ones who have passed away all had regrets. Write your regrets in sand (this can be wiped out) write your achievement in stone (always to be remembered).
Try each day to change your thinking by thinking of one positive thing you did each day for David. Build on this and soon you will start to feel better. When we have no one to encourage us. WE HAVE TO ENCOURAGE OURSELVES. Build yourself up each day by doing something special for yourself. Do this each day. Don't Stop. Soon you will not only feel better but you will be making this as part of your new life, moving forward.
David had bi-polar and he was abusive and unkind. This was his illness so put the blame on the bi-polar and not David since he had little control over this. Don't keep reading your journals of David's abuse to you as you are keeping this alive in your mind. Destroy these journals. They are in the past. Create a new journal and put the good things in this about David. Make new better memories. Memories that will put a smile on your face and make you feel good. Bad things happen to all of us. Some worse than others. Not easy to get over. I went into counselling in my 40's and resolved my hurt, pain, and abuse. I have been healed in ways that makes a better difference to my life. I am now able to support others with positive encouragement. You can and will get through your life better in time. Take one day at a time and put good things into each day. Don't carry today into tomorrow with all it's problems unless something still has to be resolved. What we can't resolve we have to let go of. Write a new contract about how you want your life to be. THEN GO AND TRY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. Best wishes.

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