Losing my light
My dad was an alcoholic, a smoker, and sometimes verbally abusive towards my mom. Despite his flaws he was the worlds best dad to me and my little brother, his two sons from a previous relationship and to his three step-children. His love was unconditional and was always there to check under my bed and in the closet to make sure that no monsters where hiding. He would sing me amazing grace to help me sleep and say my prayers to me. When he had is accident on Fathers Day 2003 he was supposed to make a full recovery and continue on being a wonderful father. Since he wasn't allowed to drink or smoke while he was in the hospital I saw a new and improved father emerging. The hardest part of grieving him is knowing two things: he was never able to fully live his new life after his accident, and his heart attack was completely avoidable by the doctors. After he died I was in denial for years, although I knew he was gone part of my 11 year old self decided that it just simply was not true. There was no way I would have to grow up without a father. Seeing dads at the beach with their families and spending time with their children is the hardest. I always think about what could have been and what should have been. Knowing that my dad never saw me graduate, go to prom, meet my first boyfriend or won't be able to walk me down the aisle and meet his grandchildren is hard. I get mad and jealous of my friends who get to continue growing with their fathers around. I know it isn't fair but I can't help it. My mom moved on way to quickly for me to understand, her new boyfriends moved in only 9 months after my dad had passed away. I hated him, he was this intruder into our family and I couldn't understand why or how any person could invade a grieving families life like that. My mom and him are now engaged and although I am happy to see her living her life I am still angry that she chose him over her children and cannot move on without her apologizing to us. My dad would have wanted her to be happy and move on but I often wish she never would have found him, or at least found him later down the road. As selfish as that sounds its my truth. My dad was my light, my world and I was always his little girl, the apple of his eye. I was the only girl out of 6 boys and my dad was thrilled when he found out he was finally getting his girl. I often think that he wouldn't be proud of me and the person I've become but I hope that I do make him proud and that he is looking down on me smiling, and to continue to be in my heart forever. Now that I am 20 years old, I miss him more than I did when he first passed away. I finally accept he isn't coming back, but I don't accept yet that he is missing everything I have accomplished. Everyone often says that with time it gets easier but I don't think that is necessarily true. Time makes it easier to ignore the pain, and push it aside but I still cry and hurt the same way I did when I was 11. It is often harder as time goes on because I know he is missing more. I just wish that he could be here and I hate being stuck in the "what if's?" but I can't shake those thoughts. For people who have never lost someone, I often envy them but without loss, one would never know what it means to truly love someone or appreciate what you have.