Losing my light

by Morgan
(Minnesota)

My dad was an alcoholic, a smoker, and sometimes verbally abusive towards my mom. Despite his flaws he was the worlds best dad to me and my little brother, his two sons from a previous relationship and to his three step-children. His love was unconditional and was always there to check under my bed and in the closet to make sure that no monsters where hiding. He would sing me amazing grace to help me sleep and say my prayers to me. When he had is accident on Fathers Day 2003 he was supposed to make a full recovery and continue on being a wonderful father. Since he wasn't allowed to drink or smoke while he was in the hospital I saw a new and improved father emerging. The hardest part of grieving him is knowing two things: he was never able to fully live his new life after his accident, and his heart attack was completely avoidable by the doctors. After he died I was in denial for years, although I knew he was gone part of my 11 year old self decided that it just simply was not true. There was no way I would have to grow up without a father. Seeing dads at the beach with their families and spending time with their children is the hardest. I always think about what could have been and what should have been. Knowing that my dad never saw me graduate, go to prom, meet my first boyfriend or won't be able to walk me down the aisle and meet his grandchildren is hard. I get mad and jealous of my friends who get to continue growing with their fathers around. I know it isn't fair but I can't help it. My mom moved on way to quickly for me to understand, her new boyfriends moved in only 9 months after my dad had passed away. I hated him, he was this intruder into our family and I couldn't understand why or how any person could invade a grieving families life like that. My mom and him are now engaged and although I am happy to see her living her life I am still angry that she chose him over her children and cannot move on without her apologizing to us. My dad would have wanted her to be happy and move on but I often wish she never would have found him, or at least found him later down the road. As selfish as that sounds its my truth. My dad was my light, my world and I was always his little girl, the apple of his eye. I was the only girl out of 6 boys and my dad was thrilled when he found out he was finally getting his girl. I often think that he wouldn't be proud of me and the person I've become but I hope that I do make him proud and that he is looking down on me smiling, and to continue to be in my heart forever. Now that I am 20 years old, I miss him more than I did when he first passed away. I finally accept he isn't coming back, but I don't accept yet that he is missing everything I have accomplished. Everyone often says that with time it gets easier but I don't think that is necessarily true. Time makes it easier to ignore the pain, and push it aside but I still cry and hurt the same way I did when I was 11. It is often harder as time goes on because I know he is missing more. I just wish that he could be here and I hate being stuck in the "what if's?" but I can't shake those thoughts. For people who have never lost someone, I often envy them but without loss, one would never know what it means to truly love someone or appreciate what you have.

Comments for Losing my light

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Jul 02, 2012
Losing my light
by: Doreen U.K.

Morgan I am sorry for the loss of your Dad. 9years on and you are still grieving. An 11yr.old girl as you were probably did not grieve fully and as you are getting older and more mature the nature of your grieving will be that of an adult and not a child. Give yourself time and space and don't look too far ahead. Of course you are entitled to feel the way you do. No one can tell you anything different. It is hard seeing other people with their fathers and your dad is not here. this is normal. I felt the same way. I also find it hard to see other people enjoying life as normal and our normal has been ripped apart with our loss. Your dad would have been proud of you. As a mother with children in their 30's and 40's I can tell you that parents do get disappointed with their children but they never stop loving them. We all have regrets and children don't always do as parents wish but parents go on loving and forgiving no matter what. You may feel the timing and insensitivity of your mother taking up with a boyfriend so soon after your father's death is inconceivable, but this is real life. Your mother probably couldn't stand the lonliness and so tried to fill it. But saying this you will know the situation better than anyone and be able to judge this for yourself. When my mother died my father met a woman and she wanted to marry him but he said NO. He was still friends with her. My father is 91yrs of age and when he dies he wants his ashes scattered with his lady friend who is now passed away. I can't get my head around this. I feel that my father is being disloyal to my mother's memory even though they were divorced. But such is life. I won't interfere but I still feel very disappointed. Focus on YOU and how you can take care of yourself and your grief. Your mother's world has changed and she may not be supportive towards you. You may have to find your support somewhere else. You have 6 brothers so I am sure they will look after you and if you have any sister-in-laws this may work in your favour. I wish you all the best.

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