Losing my little soul mate, not quite getting through it, 7 months later..

by by Lucy K

I never thought at 23 I would have to be saying goodbye to my true love without any kind of warning.

I met Ryan 3 years ago when I was 20 and he was 25, when a friend introduced the two of us and we just instantly clicked with one another. I was completely bowled over by him, as I had never met anyone with such an enthusiasm for life, every bit of time we spent together was exciting, passionate and wonderful. Sure, we had our ups and downs like everyone does, and even fell out for a while, but I think we always loved one another. I had never met anyone quite like him.

However, Ryan died 7 months ago, it was very sudden and unexpected, a complete and utter shock to the system to everyone who knew him. I went through various stages of grief, took time off from my work and started coping with what had happened. I thought I'd found the 'light at the end of the tunnel' not too long ago, as life began to get back into a routine, but recently after visiting his grave it's feeling like it did just weeks after it happened.

I keep asking myself 'why did this happen?' and 'why me?', 'why did we meet and fall in love just for him to be taken away, what was the point?' and just can't seem to get my head around the fact that this really important and amazing person is now gone, and all there is left of him here are his ashes buried in a tiny plot in the cemetary.

I have never lost anyone before, so have no idea what grief is supposed to be like. I have good days, for example I am studying at the moment and know he wanted me to do well so I am using that as my 'crutch' to get me through, but other days are really difficult and certain times in the day, i just don't want to get out of bed in the mornings and face the day or in the evenings (especially recently) I am sobbing so much as if I am pyning for him, I cannot cope with the thought I will never hold him, touch him, see him or kiss him ever again. It is pain I have never experienced in my life and it just doesn't seem to be easing at the moment. I'm also worried that something may happen to me through all the stress and with getting so worked up about it.

I am 23 years old and realise I've got my whole life ahead of me, although it feels too soon to be looking for anyone else or even just being sociable - it's hard just getting through the next 5 minutes of the day knowing he will never be part of whatever the future holds, let alone thinking of life plans at the moment. I know one thing though, and that is life just won't be the same ever ever again without Ryan around, but I also know I've got to carry on because he can't anymore, and he would want me to be happy.

Comments for Losing my little soul mate, not quite getting through it, 7 months later..

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Apr 13, 2010
I feel the same hun
by: Ashley

I know that we never met, but from reading your story I feel very connected. I, also, lost the love of my life: Misko. We started off as friends of 12 years and started dating 7 1/2 months before his death. Through our grief we do not understand or know why. We can't go on with the why's, what if's, or what could of beens. There is a reason they are taken so suddenly and both you and I don't know that yet, but there is something to learn from it.

I just today went to see my doctor and am going to counseling. Something I never had the courage to do. Maybe you should consider the same. It's hard and there are no words that I can say to ease your pain, for I am in the same exact place you are. I am having a difficult time letting go, or not wanting to I'm not sure. I, too have never gone through grief or even know where to begin. The feeling of him coming back still haunts me although I know hes not.

My condolences and keep your head up..I know people say that "they" wouldn't want us to be like this, and often we ask ourselves "how do you know?" but for me anyway...I don't want you to be like this...let's stay strong and try to get through. My heart goes out to you! Take care..we shall see the light in time...:)

Apr 13, 2010
Miss him too...
by: Anonymous


I am twice your age but I don't think in matters of the heart it matters. My supposed wisdom does not make it easier. I too lost my True Love 4 months ago and will have agonizing flashbacks of grief as I think I am getting better. This will happen as memories are thrust at you unexpectedly. It is the rollercoaster of grief. And up and down we must ride. I hope that your days move easier, and you forge ahead with your dreams. His memory will not ever be lost but I hope it will turn into a nice memory instead of the pain it now causes.

Thrive/ Live
My best to you...HH

Apr 13, 2010
I can relate
by: kristy

I lost my fiance of 3 years on may 10, 2009...so I know exactly how you feel!! It has been almost a year and I still have problems with the reality of it and just recently realized he waont be home!! Just 10 months before, we lost our son and it devastated us both...so I am dealing with both and sometimes I feel like I just can't do it anymore, and then I snap out and realize I have to do it!! He would have it no other way and I can't let them down by giving up...good luck to you and hope it gets better soon.

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