Losing my little soul mate, not quite getting through it, 7 months later..
by by Lucy K
I never thought at 23 I would have to be saying goodbye to my true love without any kind of warning.
I met Ryan 3 years ago when I was 20 and he was 25, when a friend introduced the two of us and we just instantly clicked with one another. I was completely bowled over by him, as I had never met anyone with such an enthusiasm for life, every bit of time we spent together was exciting, passionate and wonderful. Sure, we had our ups and downs like everyone does, and even fell out for a while, but I think we always loved one another. I had never met anyone quite like him.
However, Ryan died 7 months ago, it was very sudden and unexpected, a complete and utter shock to the system to everyone who knew him. I went through various stages of grief, took time off from my work and started coping with what had happened. I thought I'd found the 'light at the end of the tunnel' not too long ago, as life began to get back into a routine, but recently after visiting his grave it's feeling like it did just weeks after it happened.
I keep asking myself 'why did this happen?' and 'why me?', 'why did we meet and fall in love just for him to be taken away, what was the point?' and just can't seem to get my head around the fact that this really important and amazing person is now gone, and all there is left of him here are his ashes buried in a tiny plot in the cemetary.
I have never lost anyone before, so have no idea what grief is supposed to be like. I have good days, for example I am studying at the moment and know he wanted me to do well so I am using that as my 'crutch' to get me through, but other days are really difficult and certain times in the day, i just don't want to get out of bed in the mornings and face the day or in the evenings (especially recently) I am sobbing so much as if I am pyning for him, I cannot cope with the thought I will never hold him, touch him, see him or kiss him ever again. It is pain I have never experienced in my life and it just doesn't seem to be easing at the moment. I'm also worried that something may happen to me through all the stress and with getting so worked up about it.
I am 23 years old and realise I've got my whole life ahead of me, although it feels too soon to be looking for anyone else or even just being sociable - it's hard just getting through the next 5 minutes of the day knowing he will never be part of whatever the future holds, let alone thinking of life plans at the moment. I know one thing though, and that is life just won't be the same ever ever again without Ryan around, but I also know I've got to carry on because he can't anymore, and he would want me to be happy.