Losing my love

by Pam
(San Diego, California)

Almost two weeks ago my husband passed away in my arms at home. He was diagnosed with a glioblastoma in June 2010. He lived 19 short months. My husband is a neurologist and diagnosed himself. He had two surgeries and went through radiation and chemotherapy. The last five weeks were horrible as he had to undergo emergency surgery to his colon- a complication from chemo. It was unexpected of course. I brought him home 13 days before he died.
We have 2 young children ages 10 and 14. I am struggling deeply minute by minute. The pain is simply unbearable. I have never felt pain and despair like this in my life. My life feels over. Everything we talked about for our future is gone. I can barely get up in the morning. I can barely walk. I can barely breathe at times. I am so anxious that sometimes I feel like I am dying.
I miss him terribly. My heart and mind aches. I feel like I don't have the strength for this. To get through this. I am just so unbelievably sad. I wish someone could help me.

Comments for Losing my love

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Feb 12, 2012
I feel your pain
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband, of 35 years, to Glioblastoma . He was diagnosed June 1, 2011 and passed away just 7 short weeks later on July 27, 2011. It is one day, one hour, sometimes one minute at a time. I joined a Grief Share group, which did help some. Looking back over the past 6 months I realize I have made some progress. As difficult as it is to believe right now, you too will move forward . Our lives will never be as we once knew them, but we will come out on the other side of this dark place our losses have taken us to. I'm so sorry for your children too. My husband and I were raising 4 of our grandchildren, ages 7, 8, 11 and 12. John's death has left a huge void in their lives because he was not only their Paw Paw, he was the only "dad" they have ever known. Our pain is compounded by their suffering. They need us to help them on their journey. It is tough to deal with our own pain and theirs too, but by helping them, we help ourselves to heal. God bless you and your children.

Feb 12, 2012
So sorry
by: Carla

Pam,Iam not hear to give you quick fixes. I am so sorry to hear about your husband and your children's Dad. What a tribute a good man makes to a family.

My 29yo daughter was murdered 1 1/2 yr ago. She was young, beautiful and full of love and life. How someone could take the life of an innocent woman I will never understand. She has a sister who is mentally challenged. Heather was her motivation to keep climbing that mountain higher.

We have to take a second, a moment, an hour, and eventually a day at a time. I have been consumed with physical, mental, and emotional pain. About the time I begin to feel half way like a person I slip right back into that black could.Just to try to find another way out.

Only you and the one's who have experienced the loss will be able to understand where you are. No one will grieve the way you grieve. I've spend alot of time with my daughter's Dad, we are divorced, with my Dad who loved Heater to the moon, her friends and none of them are grieving the way I am.

I will pray for you and I hope God sends you the right persons to help you through this season of grief.


Feb 11, 2012
You are not alone!
by: Judith, Australia

Pam, I wish I could take away your pain but I can't. I am getting to the 4 month mark myself and all I can do is tell you to hang in there. One day at a time. Don' t look too far into the future because it is overwhelming, just concentrate on making it through the day. Nobody knows what you are feeling but those of us on this site or who have lost their partner do understand and if I could give you a big hug I would.

It is one of the hardest things you will ever have to face but you will do it one day, one moment at a time just like all of us.

This site has been my godsend and I am here all the time and I have found it a comfort when I have been at my lowest.

When you need it write your blog and the wonderful people here from all walks of life will try to help you as they have me.

Feb 11, 2012
Losing my love.
by: Anonymous

My husband died from stomach cancer with metastasis to the liver. He lived 2 1/2 years after being diagnosed. It has been a year and 7 months since he died at home. I miss him terribly. My heart aches when I think that I have to work, sleep, live without him the rest of my life. Sometimes, I think it would be easier if it was me that died instead of him.

My Dad drowned five weeks later.

Everyday is still an uphill battle. I have found that exercise helps. I have to force myself to do it, but I am glad afterwards; yoga is good. I have to remind myself that my kids are here and still need me.

Feb 11, 2012
by: Anonymous

I know the feelings you are having and my heart goes out to you. Do you receive any kind of counseling? I do and I have been assur that it takes time,and for some a long time. I pray for both of us that we will have a day when feeling the sun on our faces, smelling a rose, seeing our children happy will make us smile. This is very hard but you have to believe it will get better. I am trying desperately to practice what I preach, but I do believe it will get better as time goes on.

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