Losing My Mom and My Best Friend

by Total Mess
(West Virginia)

My Mom found out she had cancer when she was having breathing problems and I took her to the emergency room thinking she had pneumonia. In fact her lungs were full of fluid from cancer and they found a mass near her pancreas. They said she was eat up with cancer and gave her about 2 to 4 weeks to live. We even had her taken to Duke University and they gave us no hope at all.

When she was released from there we took her to a local cancer facility. They immediately started treating her and she lived for about 2 more years. They thought they had gotten all the cancer so they gave her a break for the holidays but by the time the break was over the cancer had started to spread and went to her brain.

That was almost 4 years ago, and I'm still dealing with my grief. I had been treated for depression for several years prior to this, now I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I've had a terrible time, I've played with alcohol, drugs, and most recently I flipped my car on it's top and got a DUI.

I am in therapy now, but I can't accept my mother's death. I have a huge chip on my shoulder and mostly I'm mad at the world. This has affected my marriage and other relationships. I don't know how to accept the changes in my life and the hole she left.

My Dad also remarried 2 years ago and that has been another battle, to try to forgive him because I feel betrayed, and to accept my step mother, who is a wonderful person. But I do resent her because she is here and my mom isn't.