Losing my mom

by Nikki
(New York, NY )

Yesterday marked the three year anniversary of my mom's death. I usually remember everything such as birthdays, deaths etc, but for some reason it slipped my mind. It was totally out of my character and I kind of think my mom did it on purpose so I can have a fun day with my three year old daughter. My daughter was three months old when my mother died and it was the my first time being a mother. When she passed away suddenly, I took charge and handled everything. My siblings did not offer to help in any way and just allowed me to be all stressed out, running all over the place and taking care of my three month old. I handled everything financially as well since my siblings did not have any money to help with the funeral and lawyers fees. That's fine and I understood. Instead of supporting me and each other, they turned around and accused me of taking all this money my mother did not have since she lived off of social security and a reverse mortgage to make ends meet. I was the only one who knew about the reverse mortgage because I had to sign over the house to her completely in order for her to get it. I wanted my mom not to struggle and worry about money anymore and I thought it made sense for her. My brother has been living at the house with my mom and my grandmother for years. When the mortgage company asked to be paid after my mother's death, my family thought I should take out a mortgage and pay for the house so my brother can live there. I am the youngest out of four children and just started a family. I explained it made no sense for me to pay for a house I am not living in and if that's the case, we all should pay equally since the house belonged to all four of us now (my mom did not have an updated Will). My sisters had the time to raise their family and now they expected me to sacrifice my family because they can not help. I expressed my stress to all family members and advised I no longer want any part handling everything anymore & left it all to them. Two years now and nothing has been done and my brother is now going to lose the house. When the house is gone, do you think my two sisters will help my brother? Absolutely not! I am the one who is always helping and taking care of everyone and yet I get accused of being this horrible person. I am the one who spent a lot of time with my mother. I am the one who would drop everything for her whenever she needed me. I am the one who called her everyday. And she was my best friend. My sisters got all bent when I was pregnant that my mom wanted to help give me a baby shower meanwhile they had several with each kid. It's been three years and I haven't been able to grieve my mother because of the selfishness of my family. They treat me like I am not related to them. They have gotten together without including me for the anniversary of my mother's death. It's not fair that because they were never there for my mother and haven't seen her that often that I should get the aggravation from it. Everything I did, I went through a lawyer so whatever money was given out, the lawyer disbursed it, not me. My health has been bad because of the stress my so-called family caused. No one makes an effort to see my three year old and no one seems to care about me. I learned now to let this affect me and just ignore the bashing I hear they do from other family members. My mom was such a big part of my life and the only person I truly trusted. Since she has passed, a feel a part of me has died as well. The only thing that keeps me going is my daughter. I have no guilt except I wish I did even more for her. She was even closer to my husband of two years rather than my other sisters' husbands who were married over twenty years. I loved spoiling her. My favorite time is when we did a spa day when I was pregnant and it ended up being a six hour day. Of course I treated her because she deserved the best of everything. There is nothing I would change in our relationship. I hope one day I would get some peace from all this nonsense.

Comments for Losing my mom

Click here to add your own comments

Mar 25, 2014
You are not alone,
by: Anonymous

I am in a very similar situation right now. It is very hard to be the responsible one when nobody else cares or helps. Lord help us all. As my mother said the week she was preparing to go on to a much better place. Somehow we will get through this in time. We are the strong ones and our mothers knew that.

Mar 25, 2014
You are not alone,
by: Anonymous

I am in a very similar situation right now. It is very hard to be the responsible one when nobody else cares or helps. Lord help us all. As my mother said the week she was preparing to go on to a much better place. Somehow we will get through this in time. We are the strong ones and our mothers knew that.

Mar 23, 2014
Losing my mom
by: Doreen UK

Nikki I am sorry for your loss of your mom and also the loss of relationship with your siblings and their families. I know it doesn't seem fair what you are going through. But this is more common than you think. Often their is jealousy in families and the one supporter gets a raw deal. FOCUS on what you did for your mom and not put demands on yourself for doing better. Realise that grief often causes the problems you are going through. I don't know why it should be. But when someone dies it fractures the whole family and then you discover more that can tear your life apart IF YOU LET IT. I have 4 sisters and one brother. I am the middle one of 5 girls and mom's favourite, only because she could depend on me to care for all the other's. I got a raw deal. But I had a strong Faith in God and God brought me through the bad stuff. The highest regard to can pay another individual is to HONOUR THEM. You did this for your mother. Try and establish BOUNDARIES that will protect you from the assaults of your siblings. Your siblings have been content for you to take the responsibility because you were able to do this. If you have had enough. SAY SO. You are not responsible for how they feel or how you handle the situation. You are also not responsible for your brother if he is of an age to care for himself. You could benefit from talking things over with a counsellor to sort out the family dynamics and help you see what is going on and how you can free yourself of this responsibility without being held accountable by your siblings. Money plays a strong part in family disasters when the primary caregiver has passed away. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 22 months ago from a deadly cancer. I have had the same difficulties and assaults on me. I went into counselling a few years ago and resolved my losses and established boundaries and there is nothing my siblings can throw at me that I don't pass back to them. I remain free. I can articulate my needs and responsibilities. I am in a happier and healthier place and I can walk away if any relationship is not working. You can do this also with the right support. We can INJURE ourselves when we carry too much responsibility for other family members. WE have our LIMITATIONS. I have injured myself by carrying responsibility for other family members. I have now been able to release myself from being responsible or accountable for anyone else in my family but at the same time maintaining honour and caring for them. I wish you all the best in the days and weeks ahead and hope you get the support you need to heal from your family grief.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Moms.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • XML RSS
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget
->


 POPULAR
  RESOURCES


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the

GRIEF CLUB


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief
Program

Free Griefwork
E-Course

Free Stress
Management
E-Course



SBI Video Tour!