Losing my mum is the hardest thing I ever had to deal with
My mum died in July 2013 and despite the fact that I knew she was slowly going downhill I wasn't ready for her death at all. We lost my dad six years ago and while my dad was much loved and missed I think I coped with his death by keeping busy with mum. I live in Ireland in Dublin and my mum lived a two and a half hour drive away in the west of Ireland. Mum had heart disease and I used to take her to appointments in Galway ,do her shopping etc when I could. I have three children and I work part time so it wasn't always possible to be there. My two siblings live nearer to her but as they are both male I always felt the brunt of responsibility fell to me.
My mum died in hospital her heart function had dropped considerably and she had less than 30 per cent function. I took her to the doctor and she was admitted to A and E suffering from mild dehydration. She was on strong diuretics and last July was particularly hot. The hospital weren't particularly worried about her and said they would give her intravenous fluids and allow her home. I sat with her until she was admitted having left my children with a friend.She was weak and frail but I honestly didn't think she was going to die.
My mum died the next morning as the nurses were giving her a wash. I never got to say goodbye. I am feeling guilty because I was tired that night we were waiting in A and E and I was cross. My reasons for being cross were that neither of my brothers came to relieve me and I sort of took it out on my mum.it wasn't her fault?I didn't tell her I loved her before I left. I just told her to call me the following morning which she never got to do.
it is Christmas now and I am heartbroken. I spent every Christmas with her. My brothers don't seem to miss her as much, although I know that we all grieve in our own way. One of them was congratulating himself recently regarding all he did for his mother and I was nearly sick. He often refused to take her calls and lied saying he was working when he clearly wasn't. He doesn't seem to have guilt. I am feeling guilty over all the days she spent alone.She had some home help but she spent the rest of her time alone. I called her several times a day as I lived too far away to be there. I am very upset over her death despite the fact she was 82 and I am 46.Grief and guilt are eating me up inside. I miss her gentle presence, her kindness and her interest in me. Sometimes I would get frustrated with her and when I would apologise she always answered it is ok pet. I miss that unconditional love. Please help me at this stage I feel as if I never will function normally again.