Losing my Mum

by Taylor
(Australia)

I lost my Mum suddenly on 17th April 2008. I was only 16. It's a struggle everyday for me to keep my head up. I can't remember what it is like to have a Mum. I don't know if other people have experienced it, but sometimes I think of her and think "Why am I so sad, I don't even know who you are". I don't actually think it in those words, but that is the feeling that I get. I feel like the time up until she died was a completely different life, and that I have started a new life since she passed. Everything is still surreal.
I can't remember her voice anymore. She is just a distant memory to me now. I hate it. I don't think about her for very long anymore, because it hurts too much. But then 3 years is not a long enough time to not think about her loads of times a day. I know she understands it's just to shield myself from the pain.
I just want my Mum back. I daydream that she is going to turn up and that all of this was a sick joke. Or that I'll wake up and this was a dream. How could this happen to me? I never thought that at 16 I wouldn't have my mummy anymore. She wasn't there when I moved out and got my own place. She won't be there when I have children and get married. I don't have her here when I really need her. If someone else I love dies, who will I turn to? She would have been the one I would go to to make me feel better. My little brother was only 7 years old when she died. It's not fair that he only got 7 years with her. I got 16, and I still feel ripped off. I don't know why I was put on this earth to have her torn away from me so soon. To have to go through this agony, and live the rest of my life without her. She was only 47 when she died. I might live for longer than my own mother. I will never know her as an adult.
I hate how people tell me that she happy where she is, or that her time was up. How could she be happy when she is away from her family?! She will never feel the sunlight on her face, or hear her favourite music again. She will never hold her grandchildren, or her children again. Life is just too unfair.