Losing my Son, Devoted Father of 3, and Wife and such a Loving Son

by susan
(ontario, canada)

I lost my son October 20,2011 in a car accident. He was 32 years old,devoted father of 3, Grace 8, Evan 7, and Chloe 4, he was loving husband and son who worked so hard to provide for his family. He would always say to me "mom, you never have to worry, I will take care of you".... He was so kind, thoughtful and loving.
His 3 children were in the car accident and they all miraculously survived. It WAS a miracle the children survived. He hit a forage wagon that had no lights on at rainy night on his way back home from taking the babysitter home. We have never heard from the driver of that tractor pulling that wagon, or the farmer who owned it. (we live in a small community)..... He lived for 3 days then passed, from massive brain injuries. I truly believe he was gone the moment of impact.
I cannot get those 3 days out of my visual mind. I remember only, walking in that intensive care and when I looked I was so relieved that they must of made a mistake.. That was not my son laying there..... until I looked at his hands... those beautiful, talented, loving hands... it was my son. He will never again write, play and sing his music. His one passion in this life... his music.

My life ended with Mark that night, and grief can and does terrible things to people.

Myself, being single, moved into my son's home to take care of the children and his wife. I got up every morning, fed and dressed the 3 children for school. I cleaned, laundered, and cooked every day, while also working a full time job. I did what had to be done, in a complete fog of grief. I actually have little memory of that month, none of the first 2 weeks.....

My son's wife has never looked after the household, such as cleaning, cooking, etc.. and is the first to admit she does not. My son took care of everything, and I cannot think of one time he would complain, although, I knew he was exhausted and sometimes very frustrated... Needless to say the house was at 90% of the time a disaster. I would go over every now and again sundays when his wife would be gone shopping and help him clean the house and purge. We would have so many laughs as we threw out junk that had transpired over the weeks... it wasn't pretty..... Sometimes the kids would tattle on us...for the things we trashed.... it is one of thousands of memories I have with my son that I will never forget.
He had conversations with me of ending the marriage on occasions when I could tell he was just plain tired out, but in a way that would be as best as it could be for the children.
She suffers from mental illness, and has been 9 years in therapy and my son went to almost every appointment with her.. He cared very much about his family but it got to the point where he was starting to get anxiety attacks and financial pressures to the extreme.

I truly believe she is incapable of raising the children in a healthy and happy environment.... I know this sounds harsh, but it is just the truth as I have experienced it over the years.....
I didnt give it a moments hesitation that I would do my best to take care of my grandchildren, and get them and my daughter in law through this nightmare to the best of my ability..... This I KNEW would be what my son would want me to do. My daughter-in-law the whole time said she did not wish for me to leave and stated that she needed me and didnt know what she would do without me.

That ended abruptly!

Long story shortened, grief can make people act in terrible ways and do terrible things to others. I ended up being the person who took the brunt of all their anger at the world caused by this nightmare. My oldest daughter and my daughter-in-law both directed their anger at me. Past issues from years ago were brought up,(from my daughter) and they both lashed out at me in a way that shocked me to my core...... They took it to the extreme.... I'm told that this is very common when tragedies occur in families, but these words from a grief counselor give me no peace. I know that grief produced these actions and I am trying to work through it and find forgiveness.

I was once again down on my knees... I didnt think I would ever get up again....
I have had to distance myself from my oldest daughter and daughter-in-law). I was directly in their line of fire to take it out on.....and I bit the hook and fell right into the word exchange with my daughter..... then got in my car and left that night, only to be told the next day that I am no longer welcome at my daughter in law's house and she would let me know when I could pick up my things.... Then later that night I received a phone call from a police officer letting me know that I am not allowed on the property at any time.....( i just remember at that point shakingly handing the phone over to my sister for her to handle this insanity) This is grief, and what it can do to people who you never in a million years thought would be so cruel to make up a story that they are afraid of you to be able to hurt you at all costs.....
all i could think of is the children... they havent been through enough loss or been traumatized enough seeing their daddy killed right in front of them...
)... so lets rip their grama away from them also..

If I did not let go of the insanity, I was going down further (if possible then what i am already in since that fateful night my son was ripped from me) in the darkest pit, and i dont think i would be able to make it out.

My son from the earliest age was the most kindest, patient and compassionate man I know. It is UN-bareable to think he is looking down now, so heart broken to watch what has been happening...
Nothing makes sense anymore.
It hurts to even breathe. At most moments I feel like I am going crazy!!!!

Comments for Losing my Son, Devoted Father of 3, and Wife and such a Loving Son

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Jan 18, 2012
by: chris

i would like to hear from anyone who has lost a child,and ask them how long does this horrendous pain last. i lost my daughter aged 19 on december 21 2011, she died suddenly from a bacteria that went to her heart.the shock in hearing that news will forever haunt me. time seems to have stood still and i cant believe it was only a few weeks ago.we all ask the same question. why me. i lost my parents many years ago and have accepted their death but to lose a child is a completely different feeling. so many things remind me of her. even when i go to the shops. see something on telly that she liked breaks my heart so bad and iv never cried so much in all my life.i miss her so much and wonder if the pain will ever get better cause im not sure it will..

Jan 13, 2012
by: Anonymous

We lost our precious Daughter Alicia on Oct.20/2011

Our hearts are broken, we miss her so much , we are so lost
We love you sweet girl.
Forever & Always
you are in our Hearts and thoughts all the time.
Missing you forever

Jan 12, 2012
I share your pain
by: Robbin

I want to say I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I was looking for some comfort on the internet and found your comment.
I just lost my daughter December 15th 2011 from a tragic car accident she was only 20 years old. She was the driver and another young girl died as well they never felt a thing from what i have been told. All I feel is pain and guilt.
I hope you try to have a nice day.

Jan 12, 2012
I'm so sorry
by: Jen

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my oldest son (23yrs old) October 25, 2011 it was the worst day of my life :( and came as a complete shock. I believe that we all deal with grief differently but the stages are classic and will happen when tragedy is experienced in a family. My heart bleeds for you....you cannot control others in life no matter what the circumstances. I would encourage you to not engage in arguments with your daughter in law....but to demonstrate love as much as possible (regardless how you actually feel about her). Ultimately you want your grandchildren in your life. You cannot control her and living/staying in her home is hard under ideal conditions...I'm guessing this is what really set the spiral between you two - what started out as good intentions turned bad quickly. I wish you the best in the future and will be praying for you!!

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