losing my son paul is the hardest thing ive ever had to cope with

by dianne
(stoke on trent)


my son paul was 21 he would have been 22 this august just gone he was one of the most important persons in my life.it was early hours Thursday morning that I had the call to come quick ile never forget that moment my heart was racing .By the time I got there which was a matter of minutes the paramedics were already there but my son had gone.THE FEELING OF HEARTBREAK WAS UNBELEVIABLE it was as if a part of me was missing how could my darling son who I loved so much had gone.Each and every day I think about him hes always on my mind I just wish he could be here but I know its never going to be .I STILL FEEL NUMB TO THIS DAY and july 11th will always be the worst day of my life.My heart goes out to all the parents and families that have had the experience and my thoughts are with you all .A HUG TO YOU ALL AND MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU .ile ever forget paul hele always be in my heart and I will love him for evermore miss you to much son your heartbroken mum Dianne sleep tight angel love you always xxxxxxx

Comments for losing my son paul is the hardest thing ive ever had to cope with

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Nov 06, 2013
jolynn
by: pauls mum

you should be very proud of ty for what he achieved im sorry we feel as we do things are testing us but we will come out the other end as for writing letters to ty do I don't think that these things we do will drive us insane I still visit pauls grave each and every day he was so important to me and still is he will always be my boy I also have his younger brother who is only 5 but he reminds me so much of paulie at his age if anything its his younger brother that's got me through this ordeal so far.I don't want nor will I ever forget paulie ill carry the love in my heart for him til hopefully be reunited with him .I always made time for paul and even though hes no longer on earth nothing will stop me from making time for him so I see where your coming from with your letters and poems I am not good with words on paper as you can probably tell we will always have them in our hearts and I hope with all my heart paul ty and all the other children men and women are all in a magical and lovely place thank you jolynn x

Nov 05, 2013
Paul
by: Jolynn

by the way, my son's birthday is in Aug too. I want to tell you that Ty died I year ago and the pain does get less intense but you need to work on doing what is healthy even if you don't feel like it. I go out to lunch with friends every week. I see movies with them too. Sometimes I can't talk much around them but they understand. Friends and family can help...let them. Also, I write letters to Tyler. I've told him all the things I did not get a chance to say. I put them in a sealed envelope and put it safely in a drawer. I write poetry to express my extreme sorrow. It's like this will slowly drive us insane don't you think?

Nov 05, 2013
You dear Paul
by: Jolynn

It is comforting having their shirts isn't it? Upon losing a son there is such a sense of abrupt departure, absence, and distance. All other goodbyes have images that fade or echoes that die but in this there is no trace, or footprint or sound or shadow that can even suggest where our child has gone. For me, from midnight till morning is a dark, sad, silent and fearful time. Holding his shirt close to me gives me relief from the loneliness I feel. Tyler did not have drinking or drug issues in High school or college. He got a BACH degree in Business Economics. He spoke fluent Spanish, was a math whiz, tutored kids in it. Played guitar and Sax. Played every sport including scuba diving, water polo, snow boarding, golf, dirt bike riding. He was a pro marksman and was a degree away from a black belt in military martial art...he was considered a lethal weapon. He became an officer at 23 and I saw a young soldier give my silly son his first salute. It was amazing. He was so proud to become an officer. He flew from Quantico, VA to Pensacola FL to train for the jet fighters. He got his private pilot's license and was training for the fighters. He was fearless, a risk taker, disciplined, patriotic and would have given his life for his country or fellow Marines. The trouble began when a girl gave him an Oxycontin. I can not figure out with all the discipline training he had, why he took that pill but he liked it and off he went. When Oxycontin got too expensive $80 a pill, he switched to Heroin which was $5 a bag. From the first oxycontin till his death was only about 8 months. He did not tell us he was in trouble poor guy. We found out when his roommate called and told us he wasn't flying, he was in rehab. NOT TYLER! How could that be? He was an extrovert had a loving family and many devoted friends. He had no apparent reason to go to drugs but everyone has their secrets. I do not know why...I never will but we supported him and put him in Betty Ford when he came home but he got kicked out for hooking up with a girl. He was headed on a spiral downward and there was nothing we could do to stop him. My heart is broken. He was a loving and sensitive young man too. I don't know how to go on without him but I must. He left a sister and brother who adored him and looked up to him. Life can shoot many terrible things your way and I do believe God can give you more than u can handle. No mom should ever lose a child. I'm so sorry about your dear Paul. If you'd like to e-mail me Bokmns@PacBell.net. All support helps.
Thinking of you and wishing you peace for this Holiday season.

Nov 05, 2013
jolynn
by: dianne

thank you jolynn I share ure loss and my heart reaches out to you and your family I had to reply to you as I found it strange by you saying you sleep with one of your sons shirt that really made me smile which I can tell you I rarely do these days as I wear one of my sons t shirts every nite for bed its only been four months since I lost paul so my emotions are still up and down I share your feelings and really hope in time we will be reunited with our sons.I hope your counseling is helping you I haven't tried the service myself but my thoughts are with you and once again thank you for your response it helps knowing I am not the only person living with the ordeal we go though daily a big hug from one mum to another x

Nov 05, 2013
Paul
by: jOLYNN

I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand your depth of pain and despair. I lost my 26 yr old son to a Heroin overdose. He was an officer in the Marines training to fly jets and we were completely blindsided when we found out he was using drugs. He had such a bright future but the lure of the high took him from me. I sleep with one of his shirts. We had an Honor service and I was presented with a flag. They played taps and shot rifles...it was gut-wrenching. I have good and bad days. I see a private grief counselor and attend groups. I make sure I leave my house at least once every day and try not to isolate which is really what I feel like doing. The pain is overwhelming sometimes. Our sons were good people. Mine played with fire and it cost him his life. I hope we will see our sons someday once again.

Oct 08, 2013
i love u son x
by: dianne

Its almost 3 months now since I lost you paulie I wish I could turn back time and have you here with me babe.I had to write today babe because I know your still with me and watching over me son I STILL MISS YOU LIKE MAD and ile always remember your amazing personality .Its still hard coming to terms with you leaving me but not a day goes by that I not thinking of u I LOVE U JUST AS MUCH AS THE DAY YOU WAS BORN I just wanted you to know and say thank you babe for looking over me and I love u forever more I know you'd be smiling up there knowing your baby girls going be with us 4 Xmas because I not been looking forward to spending the day without you and know I know shele be with me by then I just had to say thank you babe I luv n miss u loads but the pain I feel will be a little more bearable with her with me so thanx son luv u x

Sep 20, 2013
i love u paulie
by: dianne

its been just over two months since my son paul left me .I can say its been a roller coaster of time I think of my son all the time like im sure you all do on this site .I just been reading threw the posts and relate the feelings you all are havin its just I feel better knowing its normal for me to feel how I am I aren't going mad. I visit paul each n every day to try to feel a sence of him with me some days are gd but others aren't .I WISH with all my heart I could know my son is at peace and that one day I could see him again but that's just something I going have to wait to find out I hope it is the case though so I can give him the hug n kiss I long to .my thoughts are with you all who are here and I hope in time the pain we feel will go away even if its just a little.I love my son with all my heart yes I had 21 yrs with him but at times it saddens me because ide given anything to have him longer .I will remember paul always and the love I have in my heart will remain there forever i will always miss you paulie not a day will go by that i don't nite nite sweet dreams love u paulie xx

Sep 10, 2013
You
by: Kate

You have replied to me and others and that is so kind of you. In this you are still giving to others. Your son could easily be your best friend. My Louie and I were that,best friends,so close such a great bond that it devastates my heart that he is gone. I can't even count I'm so off,it will be 10 months this sept 17th. I do not know how I go on without him ! Love never dies that is all I know.

Sep 08, 2013
kate
by: dianne

thankyou kate for your words by reading them I know u feel the same my thoughts are with you and your kids and my heart goes out to you aswell our kids will always be in our hearts and thoughts and I really hope one day wele be reunited with them a big hug to you kate from one mum to another x

Sep 07, 2013
Your son
by: Kate

I understand the depth of your loss,on here we do,sad to sad,know how awful it is. We know the path is a hard one. I lost my son near 9 months ago. He can never be replaced. I have 4 other children who still grieve too.death of a child is the most difficult thing ever. My heart goes out to you in understanding and hugs for you. One day at a time ,sometimes one minute. It is unbelievable at times that they are gone! We struggle together.love for you. Louie's mom.

Sep 05, 2013
jerry
by: dianne

im so sorry we share the feelings of our losses I know and understand that jake was also your best friend as paul was mine.I will always remember the good times I shared with paul as you do with jake and one day maybe we will be able make sence of it but I cant see that making it any easier because we wont ever forget them my thoughts are with you jerry

Sep 05, 2013
Doreen
by: dianne

hello Doreen I had to reply to your reply thankyou your words meant so much .I am sorry for you loss of your husband and realise that today will be a difficult one for you I share your pain and hope with all my heart as time passes the pain and grief will subside.we will always love our loved ones and if anything we have the good memories we shared with them.I will be thinking of you and your family today and my heart goes out to you x

Sep 04, 2013
losing my son paul is the hardest thing ive ever had to cope with
by: Doreen U.K.

Dianne I am sorry for your loss of your very young son. This is the very worst day of a mom's life to hear this news that one of your children has died. Shock sets in immediately and you can't quite process the reality of this loss. I lost my husband to cancer 16 months ago tomorrow and I still have difficult days. You will never forget your son ever. His loss will be with you always. The pain will get less over time. Most of grief is crying. This washes out our pain and helps us heal each time. So don't stop crying. It will come automatically when you least expect this. But don't stop if you are somewhere inconvenient. Grief has no timetable. I cried on the bus, the train, in the bank, in the supermarket. You will feel very lost for some time. For me the death of my husband of 44yrs. was the worst loss and experience I have ever gone through. I never want to lose one of my 3 Adult children. To lose a child would be the worst ever. There is a bond between a mother and her child that the poor dad doesn't get to feel in quite the same way. A mom carries her child in her body for 9 months. Attached by an umbilical cord. And sometimes it feels as if that cord was never cut. The wound of attachment is so strong and painful. A good counsellor has a way of holding the pain whilst the client works through the grief. This does help. I did this some years ago and have healed to the point I have a more focused and accepting way of dealing with my grief. But it will always cause me a heartache losing the only man I ever loved. May God comfort and strengthen you in the days and months ahead and Heal you.

Sep 04, 2013
I lost mine too
by: Jerry

I lost my 25yr old son and best friend Jake on July 22nd 2013. I share in your pain and hope that we can both learn how to cope with this terrible loss. I'm still trying to make sense of it and sometimes the pain is unbearable.

Sep 04, 2013
gina
by: diann

hello gina ide just like to say thakyou for your reply im so sorry for your loss of michael and i really hope michael and paul have met.can i ask you a question please could you tell me if the feeling of emptiness and longing reduces in time im sorry to ask this i have tears in my eyes askin and my thoughts are with you.Each day is a different day but not a day or nite goes by that i dont think of him.i will always love paul and i know you feel the same way about michael i hope with all my heart they have met up there sleep tite our children we love you .A big hug gina and sympathies to you and your family x

Sep 04, 2013
reply to fabio
by: dianne

hello fabio thankyou for your response in what i know is a difficult time i feel exactly the same a part of me feels empty and my thoughts are with you at i know is a hard time and i dont listen to others i know what i need to do and right now is take each day as it comes our memories and thoughts will always be within us i try to remember the good times and the laughter me and paul shared which times eases the pain but it never goes away my thoughts are with yourself and your family and i am so sorry for your loss

Sep 04, 2013
i m walking the some path as you
by: Fabio

5th june 2013 i lost my only son of 22 years of age snd he took all of with him he was a pilot with jetstar airline at the age of 18 i feel your pain , and i know how you feel got tears cioming out of my heart and my eyes every day for the last 3 months , tomorrow would be 3 months and belive me it wont get any better fora long time ,just do what you need to do and don t listen to others unless they r in some situation u and i are my heart goes out to you .

Sep 03, 2013
Loss My Son AS Well
by: Gina

I know your pain too well. I lost my son Michael age 18. Maybe Paul & Michael somehow know each other. It will be 15 years in Nov. without Michael. Here is a hug

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